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Anxiety over my wife still suffering from alcohol

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Posted 11/26/2010 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
my wife will not listen to me about help, still deals with the ex who has custody of children and is controlling her life and this gets her sick. we argue all the time because i always ask about what happened today, what is he saying to u. because he has turned her children against her and she feels the only way is to let hiim abuse her so he will make it easier with her kids. i realized this situation is just like a circle it goes round and round. My anxiety is so high that i live in a panic attack all day long. anybody got advice, thanks
Posted 11/27/2010 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
care2much
I am sorry to hear what is going on at your home. It feels to me like your wife needs some serious counseling. I am wondering why she has so much contact with her ex-husband that you ask her each day what is going on ? Nobody should be abused and I suspect the alcohol may be her crutch. What about treatment for her drinking, has she ever belonged to AA ?

If your wife is still being emotionally tormented by my her ex-husband it is time to seek help for her and the best thing you can do is get her treatment for her anxiety, most likely depression and her addiction. The ex-husband needs to get out of her life as he divorced her. I feel it is sad that ex-spouses turn children against one another.

Try to avoid fighting with her as this is only causing pain for both of you. I can tell you care for her and are trying to help; you are a good person so stand by her but also be sure to take care of yourself.

Kindly,

Kitt
Posted 11/27/2010 5:26 AM (GMT 0)
thanks kitt, i appreciate the kind words, made me feel better. Its hard when know one listens to you about getting help. Im really trying hard
Posted 11/27/2010 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
If your wife can get clean, it would be in the best interest of the kids for them to live with you. Their father does not sound like he can provide a healthy environment for them.
Urge your wife to get at least 90 days sobriety, and get a court mediator/advocate for the children.
Record all of the abusive acitvity, so that you have that in writing in case you need to present this in court.
Best of luck and good job on trying your best to help your family!
Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 11/27/2010 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
thank you, because this situation is breaking me down and I am falling apart.
Posted 11/27/2010 7:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Care2much,

Are you in counseling yourself for your anxiety? If so (and even moreso if your wife isn't interested in counseling for herself), maybe you can invite her to come along for a session or two. There you could talk a bit about how your anxiety is affecting your relationship and how your relationship is affecting your anxiety. This could then segue into her continued relationship with her ex and the children. Hopefully this would be a way for her to "try out" counseling. Initially she'd be doing it for you but then realize that she's getting something from it as well, thus encouraging her to consider her own counseling.

As far as the drinking, that only complicates things as I'm sure you know. Should she get sober first and then go for counseling around the abuse, the ex, and the children or start with the counseling to work through the issues that may be leading her to drink and only then focus on getting sober? You can make an argument for either case, but working on both at the same time is probably the best approach. If you're drunk you can't focus on the issues, but if the issues are overwhelming it can be harder to stay sober - thus the reason I suggest addressing both concurrently. I wish you guys all the best!
Posted 11/27/2010 9:58 PM (GMT 0)
I can relate to you oh so much! I don't have a spouse with alcohol problems, but I grew up in a family full of alcoholics and drugs addicts. In fact, much of my anxiety stems from having a mother and father addicted to both drugs and alcohol. One thing you must remember when it comes to those who are abusing alcohol is this....you didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. I went to therapy for many years to get to a good point in my life but my anxiety has recently spiraled out of control as another loved one of mine has become addicted to Ativan and pain killers. I have watched her self destruct and morph into someone I don't even know anymore.

One thing that is certain when dealing with addicts is that your the one who "goes crazy" trying to help them. But the reality is that we often end up enabling them and only making matters worse for ourselves. It is very difficult to be in that type of situation and I feel for you. Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? They did wonders for me, but I did have to "shop around" at a few different places to find one that worked for me. Being in a group with other people who are going through similar struggles can be very helpful.

You could also try an al-anon message board. Even just to read through some of the stories posted by other members. I have been doing that recently as well.

Stay strong and as my grandma used to always say to me when things were tough....tough times don't last! But tough people too. *hugs* I hope you get to feeling better soon!
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