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Posted 4/13/2011 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
I think I just had a mini panic attack.

So, I am a first year college student. I am not new to this site. However, I haven't been on it in a year or so. It seems like just yesterday that I came on here. But, anyways. Here is what happened:

Today my boyfriend of 1 year, and i, were texting. Long story short, he denies that I love him. I told him I loved him after we were together for 9 months and he didn't say it back. He has never said it back.

Today he basically told me that he thinks we are too young to have an intimate relationship. He told me that we have different views of our relationship. He told me that I think I love him but he doesnt think I even really know what it is or something like that.

Ok so the panic attack......

I was lying in bed and started crying hysterically because of what my boyfriend said to me. Then I started thinking about when I had major depression about a year and a half ago (I'm still on medication) and I just felt sadder and sadder.

All of a sudden I felt really hot and I felt that feeling of "doom" where you just feel like something horrible is happening and you have a pit in your stomach. Then I felt like I was going to throw up.

I have a very dysfunctional family/life (I was adopted at age 6). I was hospitalized for the major depression (my biological parents both supposedly had bipolar disorder) a year and a half ago and when I was in the hospital they told me that I haven't identified with my adoptive family.

Although I don't believe this, sometimes I think about it and it scares me... If that even makes sense.

So, while this whole feeling of "doom" was going on, I started to think to myself and I thought like, "I don't know who I am or why I'm here or who my family really even is"

I got out of bed and took a few deep breaths and came on here.

Any thoughts?
Posted 4/13/2011 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
sounds similar to the panic attacks i have had, usually starts with some trigger, after that my mind goes to the time when i was my lowest and thinking about how i will end up there again and panic sets in. Are you still seeing a therapist or just with the meds? I think what has helped me the most with my panic attacks has been my therapy sessions, the meds help too but therapy has been a life saver.

Thats a very strange thing for you boyfriend to say, and i disagree with him. I don't think age has anything to do with being in love with someone, either you are or you arn't. And who is he to tell you how you are feeling? Sounds like you guys need to have a serious discussion about where you think the relationship is going. just my opinion. Hope you feel better today
Posted 4/13/2011 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi L.S. and welcome back! I am sorry that you are going through so much lately. If you step back and look at your situation from the outside, you have a hefty load of stress and change that you are trying to deal with!  Therefore it really isn't a suprise that you had a panic attack.

You are a new college student, that right there is a huge transistion. So many members your age have posted about panic regarding this time in their lives...you're not alone in that.

Add that to your family circumstance. I think that you can probably trace much of your anxiety to this. Therapy would help you sort out the feelings involved, and maybe help futher the bond with your adoptive parents.

Finally, the most surface trigger, your boyfriend. He sounds like HE actually has some growing up to do. I think that maybe cooling off might be a good idea, but not because of anything you did, but rather in order to give you some perspective. I suspect you might find that you deserve someone more appreiciative of what you have to offer!

I agree with Geo that a combination of medication and therapy might really work for you. Do you have a general doctor that you can consult with? He/She can refer you to a therapist who can help you sort out your anxiety and other issues that are bothering you.

In the meantime, check out our Anxiety/Panic resources at the top of the page (second post) You will find many links to breathing and relaxation exercises that you can use...espescially if you experience any more panic.

Please post anytime. We are all here for you, and would like to know how you are doing soon:)
Scaredy Cat
Posted 4/13/2011 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Geosojada, you are exactly right. I started to feel a tiny bit like I did when I was majorly depressed. I felt out of control and I started thinking I was going to end up in the hospital again. Not where I want to be.

I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. Due to my busy college schedule and the fact that they are both always booked, I don't see them as often as I probably should. I think I will make an appointment with them soon.

I started taking sertraline, the generic form of zoloft, when I was a sophomore in high school. I was put on this for GAD. It definately helped. Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, I was hospitalized for major depression only 2 years after I was put on the sertraline. I voluntarily went to the hospital. My sister took me as she was my legal guardian until I turned 18.

When my anxiety first started, it was all about food. As strange as it sounds, I just couldn't eat. I was so nervous and anxious about eating. It backfired and I started losing weight. I wasn't able to function ect. ect. This is why I was put on the meds.

Scaredy Cat, I know for a fact that a lot of my anxiety can be traced back to my family situations. It is just hard for me to even remember that far back. I met my biological cousin and aunt in November of 2009. They were so excited and happy to meet me. I was excited too but it was just strange. Then, they asked if I would like to meet with my biological mother and grandmother. I agreed, but not for a year or so later. So, I met my biological mother and grandmother in December of 2010.

It was very strange for me. My biological mother has severe bipolar disorder and she was very anxious and nervous while meeting with me. She told me she takes 2,000 mg of depotake (?) and this startled me.

My biological grandmother died on march 10th 2011. I only got to meet her once and on the day we met, she told me it was the best day of her life and that she loved me.

Sometimes I just feel so confused about everything. Maybe I don't love my boyfriend. Maybe I just want control over who I love and who loves me back. I honestly don't understand how he can tell me that I don't know what love is. I care so much about him and I could see myself marrying him. He told me though, after 6 months of being together, that he, "wants to see what else is out there". He was drunk though and when I bring it up he says, "that was so long ago and I was drunk..." But part of me thinks its true.

I don't know really. Sorry for going off topic like 20 times.
Posted 4/13/2011 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Don't apologize, this is a safe place to share things that affect us and our anxiety, no matter what the topic:)

If you can't see your therapist on a regular basis, then I again recommend practicing the breathing/relaxation exercises. They will help you to feel better overall, and may prevent future panic attacks.

Post anytime that you would like to ask qestions, vent and share!
Take care,
S.C.
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