New, frustrated, trying to be hopeful

Hey everyone,

I'm a new member, but I've lurked the boards every now and then and finally decided I should register. I'm currently 22 and living at home again, after living on my own for four years in Chicago. My panic attacks and anxiety started on September 24th, 2010, and it's a day that I will never forget.

I have grown a lot in the last year, and I have luckily been able to decrease my general anxiety levels and get back to some semblance of normal, for the most part. I am still afraid of being alone in stores, or waiting in lines, but I'm no longer afraid of taking showers or standing in the kitchen to cook a meal. My original anxiety started from the fear of fainting, and while that has somewhat subsided I find myself coming up with other things to be afraid of nearly constantly. I know that I am okay, that the only thing that's going to happen is that I'm just going to get really, really afraid, but it still gets the best of me sometimes, and right now I'm struggling to not be frustrated over all of it.

I've changed a lot in my life, and while I do not enjoy anxiety, the different perspective it has given me on life, the sheer amount of compassion I have gained for other people, is something that I would not trade in. I am trying to remain hopeful that I will get over this, that I will one day wake up and just not have anxiety anymore. It's been a little over a year, and while I know the progress I've made is great, I'm still not where I want to be. I can leave the house without crying now, but I can't often stand in line without feeling like I'm going to faint.

I broke down today, out of frustration, anger, and a general feeling of, "if I have to live one more day like this, just kill me now". I am not suicidal by any means, but I am awful tired of dreading every day, of feeling like a failure, and of being so afraid over little things.
This was all spurred on from a week of being ill with a chest-cold, which was havoc for my anxiety. I was positive I was dying, that any moment I'd start coughing up blood or something. The antibiotics made my stomach upset, which only lead to thoughts of "I must have some sort of stomach cancer, too, on top of this lung disease". Of course, none of that is true, and I know it's not, but sometimes I can't stop myself from getting into a tizzy over it all.

I'm still a bit on edge, still wondering if I'm going to have to live the rest of my life this way. I don't want to be in my thirties or forties or fifties and still going through this. Having anxiety is a horrible way to live life, and I wouldn't wish it on even the devil.

I suppose I'm really just looking for support, and I know that I can find it here. Through all the posts I've read everyone seems so compassionate and loving, so understanding, and I am glad to have finally registered here.

I know this was a bit long of an introductory post, but I'm sure you all know what it's like when you just gotta get out all the pent-up emotions, haha.

--Thanks,
Em

Hey Em, If you're looking for support and advice, you have definately come to the right place. We are all battling some sort of disorder here, and try our best to give each other support and advice when we can. It seems that no one really knows how this disorder affects us on a daily basis, except for those who are experiencing the same thing. It also feels good to come here and just "vent" sometimes if we're having a bad day, and there's always someone who will respond, and totally understand the day you are having.

I myself have been suffering from GAD, Panic Disorder, and Depression since I was 14, i'm 39 now. I know exactly how you feel right now. I am currently suffering with Asthmatic Bronchitis, and haven't been able to breath good at all for the last 3 days. I am wheezing, and coughing, and my head is stuffed and i'm having horrible pressure in my ears. I've been getting really light headed for the past few days. We all know that this can wreak havoc on anxiety/panic disorders, because you're always thinking the worst.

Are you seeing a therapist, or taking any meds to help you deal with it? If not, perhaps this may be something you want to look into. I am waiting for an appointment to see a psychiatrist at the moment, but I am also on medication for it. I take Zoloft and Xanax, and it helps alot.

Hope you are doing well! ((hugs)) Fox

Hello Em,

Welcome to HealingWell. 

Managing anxiety is not a simple task. It is a difficult inner journey that takes time, commitment and effort. I love the way you reached out to a perfect stranger to write a song to help you.  That is one of the most original ideas I have ever read here in the forum. You were looking outside the box for help and you found it.  Thanks for sharing the links. 

When dealing with anxiety, having good friends and family whom you can trust and confide in is extremely important. Coming here and talking to us was brave of you and you can trust us to support you as we all understand where you are coming from and what you are going through.

When you realize you are worried about something, or when you notice some anxious thoughts creeping into your mind, try to confront those thoughts before they get too strong. In other words, try to use your intelligence to nourish positivity in your mind and avert anxiety.

Always be kind and loving toward yourself and remember you will get better.  Sending you warm and gentle hugs to help you through.  I look forward to getting to know you better.

Kindly,

Kitt

Hey Ziggy,

Thanks for your input, I definitely appreciate it. Glad to know I'm not the only new person around, too. =)

I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a rough place right now, but I know that everyone here understands that --myself included. I go over the idea of taking meds every now and then, but for me I just don't think it's a fit. I have no objection for people that do take them, in fact I know how life-saving they can be, but I just don't feel they're right for me, if that makes sense.
I'm sure if my first experience with medication hadn't gone so horribly wrong, I'd be on them now, but I still have that lingering fear. Honestly the idea of trial-and-error makes me feel afraid that there won't be anything for me that works (even though I know that's silly to think). I also have some experience with my father abusing medication and I know that addiction/abuse has run its course through my family tree, so that sort of worries me as well.

I hope that you get feeling better soon, and thank you for your advice =)

--Em

Kitt! I totally missed your post!

Also to clarify, I didn't reach out to Ze Frank, but I had been a fan of his videoblog for a long time, and when I found the songs on his site I just felt so glad for them that I figured I'd post them on my signature for everyone. They really make me feel better, so I hope they help others, too. =)

Thank you so much for your advice. I keep telling myself that I've come very far, that I'm doing great, but sometimes I just feel so defeated and get so down on myself for not being where I want to be yet. I just have to remind myself that this is a process, but it really helps to have a support base as well. Luckily I have my family to help me through this, but sometimes it's just easier to accept things as the truth, or as help, when it comes from people you don't know, but who are going through the same thing... if that makes any sense, haha.

I definitely look forward to being on the forum, and am so glad to have made the leap and joined.


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Thanks Amy! I definitely appreciate all the advice and support I've gotten so far. I already feel so much less isolated than I did when I woke up this morning. Sometimes you just need to know that there are others out there, and I'm so glad that I found this forum.




--Best wishes,
Em

Thanks Ziggy, I will definitely try to have a more open mind about medication for myself. I know a few people that have had to try several times before finding the right medication for them, but I've heard it's hell for a little while and I honestly just don't want to go through that.
I am planning to try CBT once I get my school refund back (hopefully within the next two weeks), and I think that if for whatever reason that doesn't pan out, I will probably make an appointment with my doctor and try again.

Again, thank you for the continued support, and though I don't know you I am very proud of you for being sober for 17+ years. It's a great accomplishment, and I wish you all the best.

--Em