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Oh, the disappointment strikes again!

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Anxiety & Panic Disorders
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Posted 12/13/2011 10:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hey gang,

I just wanted to update again and let everyone know that I've been doing pretty well over the last few days, except for today. Minor set back and all. I didn't have a full blown panic attack, but I did start to feel faint and heavy-headed, which is a very common way for my anxiety to produce itself (considering that it all started because of a fear of fainting and all).

I won't get into the icky details of what prompted it, but I once again started thinking that my blood is too thick, or that I have blood clots that will reach my heart or lungs and I'll end up either hospitalized and requiring some major surgery or something (terrifying), or end up dead (not terrifying, because I've just never feared 'the end' as most people do --but I'm not ready for it yet, of course!). I suppose mostly what it comes down to is just the idea of fainting, though. Fainting and hitting my head, or fainting and going into a coma, or fainting and a fire randomly/suddenly starting, or fainting and drowning in the tub... sorry, got a bit carried away there, haha. Don't mean to set anyone off!

I just feel very disappointed in myself now, and am trying to see the good side of it all still. I didn't have a complete meltdown, I've made and am continuing to make progress, and I'm still alive and breathing and didn't faint from it all. It's just very frustrating to be going along pretty all right for a while and then something rather insignificant makes me flare up all over again. I feel disappointed in myself for not remembering my techniques, for not being able to quell the anxious thought before it had a chance to really manifest as it did. I also am severely disappointed that I turned to our high and mighty overlord Google. That was definitely /not/ something I needed to do.

Though I did also realize that practically any symptom that the body can produce, will be produced under the web of anxiety. So, that makes my health anxiety both very unstable and somewhat laughable depending on my mood. I hate to chalk everything up to anxiety all of the time, but searching out terrible diseases and thinking "oh! I have all of those symptoms!" doesn't help at all. If nothing else, anxiety is a very laughable thing when you think of it. All the irrational fears and what not, sometimes I find it best to really just laugh at myself over it. Not that that's always possible, because the fear is very real for all of us, no matter the trigger.

I'm doing a bit better tonight (ahem, 2:15am), but I am not looking forward to going to sleep and starting the day over again tomorrow. I know it will be fine, that I am all right, but the disappointment still reigns and I am just so ready to start CBT and get this taken care of. Hopefully after the holidays that will be happening!

--All my love,
Em
Posted 12/13/2011 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Em,

Well I can tell you that you are miles ahead of where I was before I started my therapy. Let's look at the positives in your situation...

You already know and are practicing coping techniques.
You are able to look at your situation rationally and with a positive attitude
You recognize that even though you had a setback, you can get up and keep on the path to recovery!

Before CBT, I couldn't even have had a setback, because I hadn't gained any recovery! Setbacks are only for those already on their way:) It is part of the process, and it happens to everyone.

Keep up the good work and stay positive...this is just a bump in the road.

I know that you are going to do really well, just hang in there. I know the symptoms are frightening. Your description sounds so similar to how I used to feel...and on some bad days, I do still have some of the old 'what-if' thoughts, but it does get so much better!:)

Have faith and stay strong!

S.C.
Posted 12/13/2011 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Em

Good to read that you have been doing better with your anxiety and it sounds like you are able to identify what triggers your anxiety which is half the battle. Sorry that you had a set back today that can be frustrating as you can feel you are back to step one which I find can make me a bit depressed at times.

Having an anxiety disorder is like living life on a roller coaster you go up and then up again but at some point on the ride you will come down but the way I look at it is there is always an up and a light at the end of the tunnel. I have found the littlest things are quite often turn into big things which set you back. As SC said you just need to stay as positive as you can and know you will get through it and we are here to help you.

Look forward to your CBT i'm sure that will help you loads I have done 2 lots of CBT and found it really useful. Take care of yourself.

Hibee
Posted 12/14/2011 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you both, SC and Hibee, I really appreciate the support. <3

I have definitely come a long way on my own, which is perhaps why I tend to take set-backs so hard. I feel like it's a reflection of my own weakness if I have a set back.

I don't feel a whole lot better today, as about two hours after my first posting I had a full out panic attack. I was laying in bed, staring at the wall and thinking as I am apt to do before I fall asleep, but I noticed the... bright spots, I guess? Like when it's very dark in a room, but your vision isn't completely black, so there are still like bright spots (almost like lots of dust or something if it were daylight). I don't know how to describe it very well, but it's completely normal for me so it never freaked me out before last night. I immediately thought I was going to faint and began to get very intense body tingles/sensitivity and even ended up putting my feet above my head because I was that freaked out that I was going to faint.

I know that if I do faint it's because of hyperventilation, though I was trying my best to breathe deeply and regularly, though because I was having another heart attack (little humor!) I felt like I wasn't getting enough air at all trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I was able to keep in a pretty good mental state during this, but every time I'd try to go back to sleep my heart would start racing again and I'd get jolts. I ended up having to turn the light on and off several times just to convince myself that my night vision is normally the way it is, and I wasn't seeing black and bright spots because I was going to faint.

So, I made it through, I'm alive but a little worse for wear. I'm just so ready to be done with anxiety.

--Thanks all,
Em
Posted 12/14/2011 9:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, Em... I'm reading your post and thinking "is it me?" :-) I'm the same way, a little bit hypochondriac about my helth. Actually, not just a little bit :-) Now is 4.30am and all my thoughts you put in your previous post :-) But you know, I bought some books, like "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" and when I feel bad I'm trying to read to calm my self down. It really helps! Get something "safe" what help you to take your mind away and you will cut your anxiety attacks to 5 min or less. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted 12/14/2011 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
emAeye,

Good Morning and I do hope it is a good one for you.  I know how high anxiety and panic attacks can drain you and you wonder how you are going to get through but trust me,  you will be OK.

After 29 years of being dx with anxiety I still find I try to fight the feelings and I beat myself up for being weak when in reality I need to turn my thoughts around to positive thinking.

I truly believe in the breathing  exercises as well as letting my feelings out and let the tears flow which for me is therapuetic.  Then I make up my mind to get up and do something.............any simple thing  that will take my mind off of the anxiety.

I am glad you keep talking with us as we know where your coming from and what your going through.  Many gentle hugs and bushels of good vibes to you. You are not alone.

Kindly,

Kitt


 

Posted 12/16/2011 2:57 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Elen,

I've felt the same way reading other people's posts on here! It's almost as if someone goes into your head and just types out all of your thoughts, haha. I will definitely try to get a hold of some workbooks to do, and I've got a CD course that I started and then stopped for no apparent reason, so I think I'll start doing that again as well. Thanks for the advice =)


Hi again Kitt,

It seems you always are there to remind me to breathe, haha. I definitely have been trying very hard to do my breathing exercises regularly over the last two days, but for some reason they freak me out sometimes, as if I think I'm not getting enough oxygen, and then because I start to panic I get the body tingles and think for sure I'm going to pass out --even when I know that won't happen as long as I keep breathing! It's quite the conundrum for me sometimes, but I definitely appreciate the reminders!




----

Today has been sort of mixed for me. I got some really good sleep (which I definitely believe that dreams can be healing, even if you don't understand them), and woke up feeling pretty all right until I decided to get out of bed. I feel as if I haven't quite woken up today, and while I don't feel on edge I do feel severely disconnected. It's like I just want to crawl right back into bed and try waking up again. In fact, I might do that after I eat and just try starting the day over again.

I've also decided to quit smoking, which I know isn't going to be a joy ride, but I'm sure that after the first few days I'll feel okay. I've tried to quit before and lasted about nine days before I just felt really angry and ended up finding an old pack and having to have one just so I wouldn't snap at my family. That was also before my anxiety attacks, but I'm trying to remain positive and hopeful that I won't lose my mind or dive off the deep end.

It's just time for me to change my life, and fully accept the changes that have happened so that I can move forward from them. I know I won't have anxiety forever, I refuse to have anxiety forever, bu it's time for me to start really working again and getting this taken care of. I think I just got to a point where I was okay with the amount of anxiety I was experiencing, but having another panic attack showed me that if I don't get it all taken care of, then it's all still there.

I feel really disassociated still, but I'm trying not to let it bother me. My main fear is that I will faint or pass out if I try to do something other than lay around right now, but I'm sure that won't happen. Just gotta keep calm and tell myself that it's okay to just take a few days off to recover.

--Thanks all, and best wishes,
Em
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