Having a tough time with recurring PTSD

Oh OG, you are going through so much at the moment!:( First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your father. This is very difficult in the first place, but is of course complicated by your own past issues which is understandable.

After my second daughter was born, my step-dad started treatment for colon cancer. I had not been diagnosed with panic disorder then, but I certainly had trouble being in hospital and medical things really freaked me out. Trying to deal with a newborn, and possible losing the only dad I know, was really tough.

I am sorry that this is bringing up old fears for you, but I completely understand how that could happen. Have you been talking with your p-doc? What can he/she do to help you through this time? I would start there.

I would also encourage you to prepare yourself before visits with some breathing and relaxation exercises to get your mind and body in a calm state beforehand.

It's okay to take breaks if you get overwhelmed. Sometimes I would have to excuse myself to go breathe, or cry, or just have a short walk, so that I could deal with the feelings that I was having.

My step-dad survived his cancer, but now it has returned in the prostate. He is being treated, but both of my parents are in their mid 70's, and I know that there will be more medical stuff that will come along...

We ultimately have to be there for family...it is just something that we have to do. We have to dig deep, and find the strength that we think we don't have, and do what needs to be done. You can do this. It is and will be hard, but worth the cost in the long run.

I wish you the best, and encourage you to keep posting with us anytime you need some encouragement and support...we will be here.

Big hugs,

Scaredy Cat

I have to second what Kitt said.

I don't know if this will help or not, but I wanted to share my own experience about this. My father died a about seven years ago, and when he was in the hospital, I couldn't go see him there for my own reasons. Anxiety, of course, but also... it wasn't the last memory I wanted to have of him. Of course, I realize that my situation was probably more extreme, since it was clear in my case that my dad wasn't going to be making it out of the hospital, and he'd fallen into a coma.

However, I wouldn't change my decision if I could do it again. I don't feel guilty. Some of my family thought it was callous of me, but my mom got it. She knew that it wasn't something I was emotionally equipped for, and we both knew my dad would never have held it against me. I supported and grieved in my own way, in a more personal environment, and seven years later... I'm okay with how I handled it. Those members of my family that didn't attempt to understand my side of it (as well as created a lot more drama for everyone in that awful time in my family's lives)... well, it drew me to question my relationships with them and learned that it wasn't terribly beneficial for my own health and well-being to continue an active relationship with them. That's a whole other subject, but the point is... I'm happier now and I have no regrets. Those that love you will understand why it's difficult. Having a productive conversation about these fears with your loved ones (and therapists) is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Guilt is a wasted emotion, but it is an effective tool to figure out that there's something else going on that could be causing these feelings deep down, and why guilt flares at the thought of not being around to see these things happening. Clearly, you've got a good reason, given your own history. Think on these feelings, and talk about it with those important in your life. If you can't have emotional intimacy and honesty with those you love... then what have you got? Doing something out of pure obligation is only a disservice to you and to the other parties involved.

Hope this helps and I hope I don't come off sounding like a jerk. :( Good luck.

Best wishes,
Risa

Thanks everyone for all of your encouraging words and accounts of how you have worked through your anxieties. I am going through a rough time now, but like all of you, one day I will be able to reflect upon it. I agree that maybe I need to spend a bit more time away from my father in law, and I need time to breathe and not always react so quickly.