Explaining to your loved ones??

I wish I knew what to say to make people understand. No one in my life does. They say they dont understand it, yet they dont read about it or try to understand either. frustrating. Or all I ever hear is "take deep breaths and think about something nice"... if only that worked for me.

I have agoraphobia and it is hard for me to leave the house a lot of the time, even to check the mailbox that is across the road. I feel that people in my life treat me as if I am crazy so a lot of the time I dont tell them how I am feeling. If , when my husband gets home, I go upstairs for awhile, he knows its been a bad day for me mentally, and its his turn with our 3 yr old for awhile.
Am I known for it? I should have been born with the name anxiety, the way i get teased for it as if I choose it. I am a 35 yr old woman with three children(one grown) who sits in a house all day with major health anxiety, and agoraphobia. As I am sure you will agree, I wouldn't want this for my worst enemy( if i had one):)
I hope someone will respond here iand give you some helpful advice. I guess I just wanted you to know, you're not alone!

Orchid221

I have been dealing with this very same thing for 30 years.  Most of the time my family has done very well however I was out in the mainstream daily and life was pretty smooth for 24 years with just small breaks and med changes plus therapy.  In 2005 I had a major meltdown (I have depression and Anxiety) and I have been fighting my way through my problems ever since.

I have taken my hubby with me to see my PCP as well as to see my Psychiatrist so he could ask questions first hand.  Sometimes hearing from an expert in the field helps people understand better.  I have also taken 2 of my adult children to therapy with me so they could ask question of my therapist as they were so frustrated on "what to do" when Mom calls upset and crying etc. 

My daughter heard one thing and my son another when they talked with the therapist.  (It was a group session so I was there).  The next time I saw my therapist she asked how I felt our family session went and I said "My daughter did not get it at all as she wanted a cookie cutter answer and my son seemed to understand".  She smiled and said you are absolutely right. She also said your daughter is not a good choice for a support person for you.

My family has supported me well, yelled at me for  "worrying", told me I need to try harder and my saddest comment was "I cannot be around you when you are so sad". My favortie hate question from my hubby is "You were fine yesterday so why you all down and anxious today ?"  I remind him "for better or worse" as he has health problems.

I remember the times they have been there and done everything they could to help me so don't give up on your family but know they cannot understand how you feel as they do not have a dx of anxiey.

With 30 years of experience I could go on and on but my best advice to you is make a list of what you want to talk to your husband about and remember if he balks about anything it is simply because he may be afraid and he can not understand how you feel.

Keep on talking with us as we know where your coming from and what your going through.

Kindly,

Kitt 

I think you hit the nail on the head - people do not understand that nobody would choose to be an alcoholic.

Anxiety and/or Depression is not something anyone would choose either but unless you have experienced it you could not truly know what it feels like. Those of us with anxiety/depression do not want to feel the way we do and we do work hard at fighting this mental disorder.

Stay brave and know that coming here and sharing your feelings is a good way to let off some of the pressure you are feeling.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

The way I explain it to people now is to ask them to think of something their afraid of (everyone's afraid of something right) e.g rats, snakes spiders etc and imagine walking around all day with one in your hand or sitting in your lap. that seems to give people a bit of perspective on how I feel. As to the why I feel this way, well........
I can totally understand where your coming from about work. I relapsed into panic attacks and agoraphobia after trying to go off my meds. I've just gone back on the zoloft and I've had to take several days off work in the last fortnight because i just couldn't get out the door. I explained things to my boss and she kinda understood but didn't really if you know what I mean. She's been ok with it so far but I don't want to push it and loose my job.

yeah. it hasn't been easy but I have my good days (like today :) I didn't really have a choice. I live by myself so no work no money :( That extra bit of stress doesn't help.
I get nervous about telling people. I only tell people I know have had some experience with anxiety or I really trust. I still find it harder to talk to family than my friends for some reason.
that's a good idea about the book. it lets it come from a neutral third party. less pressure on both of you

Hi aqueouskidrobot and welcome!

I am sorry that you are feeling so unwell at the moment. Many people have times of remission, with a return of anxiety at some point. Setbacks are really common...but the good news is that you have some tools to fight back now. You had some success in recovery before, and you can now take that experience and apply it to this time.

Restarting your medication should help, but I am sure that there are other things that you have learned that work for you as well. Did you use breathing and/or relaxation techniques in the past...or therapy? Maybe exercise, or hobbies, or meditation/yoga?

Try using all of the things that you know to bring about another break from the anxiety. If you need some ideas, go to our Resource Guide (main page, 3rd post) for some great self-help links and ideas.

Post with us anytime too! It is great to talk to others who understand what you are going through. We are here to listen and support.:)

...and if at anytime you feel comfortable, feel free to start a new thread of introduction for yourself, so that others can welcome you!

Talk with you soon,
Scaredy Cat

Yea, I think for my husband, the only fear he might have would be if I died-that would be something I'd have to get him thinking about. If he stepped outside and saw I was suffering or was being raped or something like that might get the point across to him. He is being supportive, but I feel like people don't believe me. EVERYONE knows I have anxiety, big deal right, nothing new. But I'm serious about my last panic attack having lasting effects. It has totally changed my beliefs and those are what's making me afraid to leave the house or triggering panic attacks. Like just this weekend my husband said a couple things and I had to remind him of how I was feeling-feeling really weak for having to be this way right now. He was like, we can go to the car wash and vacuum the car and clean it up(we're selling it) and I had to remind him, umm, honey, I can't leave the house for that long. And he reminded me of next weekend of going out and watching our friends play in a band at a restraunt(something we always enjoy but have become agoraphobic since those plans were made). I felt horrible for reminding him that I can't even go to the bank, how am I suppose to drive an hour away and sit for a few hours. And I know it lets him down. But what am I suppose to do?

I've been trying to get out of the house and do small, short errands or drive around town. But I realize that unless I challenge my thinking and beliefs and change them, it's really not going to do me any good to go for little drives. My thinking is the problem and I feel that's the hardest thing to change-your thoughts.

I found this letter to a loved one. I thought it was very spot on.

Letter to a Worrier’s Loved One

By Shawn T. Smith, Psy.D.
Created Nov 12 2009 - 9:14pm
Anxiety is contagious. Families and friends often suffer their own discomfort when they are forced to watch a loved one struggle with an anxiety disorder. Because they hate to witness the pain, they try to help. I know this because so many of my clients talk about the people in their lives who desperately want them to stop feeling anxious.

Unfortunately, attempts to help can paradoxically intensify the problem. Advice about anxiety offered up by friends and family is frequently – if you’ll pardon me for saying so – terrible, mainly because it can be so difficult to understand what prevents a person from simply calming down.

And so it is for anyone who struggles against anxiety that I have written the following letter to loved ones. If the people in your life don’t understand your anxiety and this message speaks to you, please use it as you see fit.

Dear [family, friend, or loved one],

You know that I have struggled with anxiety for some time now. You know this because you regularly see me [panic, scrub, hoard, pace, hide, ruminate, check, clean, etc]. I realize that anxiety takes my attention away from our relationship and that, sooner or later, behavior like mine is going to get under your skin. I also realize that you are concerned about me. No one wants to see a loved one struggle. I try to hide the struggle, but I know that you see it.

In an attempt to help me, you have frequently suggested that I [relax, calm down, stop worrying, take a deep breath, etc].

I say this with honest appreciation for your motives, dear [family, friend, or loved one]: Knock it off. Telling me to calm down isn’t helping. In fact, it makes things worse.

Let’s acknowledge the obvious: if I could stop my anxiety, I would have done so by now. That may be difficult to understand since it probably looks like I choose to [panic, scrub, hoard, pace, hide, ruminate, check, clean, etc]. I don’t. In my world, doing those things is only slightly less excruciating than not doing them. It’s a difficult thing to explain, but anxiety places a person in that position.

I know you wish me relief from the anxiety, so here’s what you can do instead: when I am in the midst of anxiety, imagine me in quicksand. The harder a person struggles against quicksand, the more stuck they become. Anxiety can be like that. Sometimes, the harder I try to escape anxiety, the worse it gets. Telling me to relax is like telling someone in quicksand to struggle harder. Despite the best intentions, it just doesn’t work.

My anxiety is embarrassing, and I hate that you have to deal with it. But I know that you want to help, so when you find me in the midst of it, tell me that you recognize my struggle even if you don’t quite understand it. Tell me that you know it will pass and that you will be there for me. Most of all, know that you don’t need to make my anxiety go away.

There is irony in this situation, dear [family, friend, or loved one]. My anxiety clearly brings you discomfort. I wish I could tell you to simply stop worrying about my anxiety. I wish it didn’t affect you. But I know that you can’t prevent your reaction any more than I can stop the anxiety.

It looks like we’ll both have to work on this. I promise to keep tackling the anxiety the best way that I know how. All I ask in return is for you to know that you don’t have to rescue me from this.

Sincerely,
Your anxious loved one.