Husband thinks he is supportive ... but ....

I've suffered from anxiety for a good part of my life and have been recently re-married for a little over a year. Long story short, I've had panic attacks on and off in my short marriage, far more than I ever had in my life. It revolves around past hurt of feeling inadequate.

It is usually triggered from my husband's perceived criticism or defensiveness. It starts when I share how I need to be heard, how I want to share something that he said that hurt my feelings, without him getting defensive.

That is how it started today. After three tries - with the second him telling me that I'm the one with the problem and that I needed 'professional help..." and that I was too sensitive and that I was the one with the problem. We tried again, I shared that I'd like to bring something up without fear of him turning it against me ...

Well, we got home and I asked him if we can truly talk about this and examine how he responds to me, that it is wearing on me. I cried during out lunch, saying that I feel his daily criticisms of me are just becoming too much. Can't things be a bit more positive? He feels I work too much and get stressed and this is how he expresses it ... we came up with some solutions from the day before.

So ... then he said that I am safe, he wants to talk, he apologized for his response and really wants to listen. I asked him if he really thought I had a problem. He replied by saying, "I'm not sure you do, but we are in this marriage together." I said that I was concerned by his comment. He then got angry with me, said that I am always trying to trick him and that he meant that he didn't think I did and got angry, started yelling at me. Started to get dressed to talk a walk.

I expressed that I was still feeling anxious and that I really couldn't take anymore criticism. I didn't want him to yell at me nor walk out on me. I express that I needed a calming influence and that I needed him to be reassuring for me.

He then yelled at me. I curled up, held my hands over my ears. He came over and took my hands from over my ears. I curled up in a ball, he took my arms and forced my hands out of a ball. I screamed back and told him to leave me alone and to not yell at me and to leave me alone if he was going to continue to scream at me. I can't take criticism when I'm having a panick attack. He then left, yelling back after me down the stairs. I laid in bed, calming myself. Then I went on the computer to look up panic attacks to see if I could learn anything.

He came back twice, yelling into the house, telling me that I had a problem, what I was doing wrong, general stuff like that and then stormed out. The second time, I was so angry, I ran after him with his shoe and threw it in the yard. I expressed that when I'm having a panic attack, I can not have him push my buttons. I have been saying this same old stuff for over a year. I am so frustrated. When will he ever learn.

He came in again, yelling from the basement. I finally asked him to come upstairs and called the 800 crisis line and asked them to get on the line with me and my husband. They calmed me down and suggested that he leave the house for an hour.

I am beyond frustrasted. I do not feel like he has any compassion on me, but instead pushes all my buttons. Gets in my space. He makes me so unconforable ... I say things like "I want to run away." which hurts him like I am going to divorce him. Today I told him that in this instance, I want to leave and never come back. I don't want to live like this with a person that has no compassion on me when I am hurting ... when I feel like the person who is supposed to love me in good times or worse is the enemy ... is out to get me.

Does any one have this same experience. I am so sad. I need help.

I also suffer from Crohn's and am in a bad flare ... it is most likely in my esophogus ... can't swallow much and have a scope in two weeks. I need a little more love than this.

xoxo

hi champagne,

this post will not answer all your questions, but i did learn something this week in my depression support group. we talked about other people and how some people "get it" about anxiety or depression, and others don't. and the people who don't get it, usually are either afraid, or just don't have any personal experience and cannot relate.

so just a thought - perhaps your husband gets afraid when you have a panic attack? or doesn't really understand about panic attacks?

Hello there and welcome to HealingWell.  Things are rarely as bad, awful, or catastrophic as we imagine them to be.  Give your husband a chance and when you ask for his opinion be ready to listen to what he says.  If you would rather not hear because it may make you feel bad, then it is better not to ask.

I think with time and perhaps some therapy you will both become more comfortable with your anxiety.  Remember we are responsibile for our own feelings and if we run off track it is OK to ask for professional help.

I wish you peace and suspect with time you will learn to not say hurtful things to each other that you regret later. 

Kindly,

Kitt