New here. Sufferer for 4 years.

Hi guys.

So I was wanting some insight on what could possibly going on.

I have had panic disorder since I was about 17. Now, at 21 I'm a pharmacy student with a high gpa, great group of friends, etc. I had my first attack at 17 when i was spending the summer with my father. I was at a restaurant and just out of nowhere I had these detached feelings and I was scared I was going to die. I felt like I was drugged. I went to the car and my brother sat with me. I had to go to the hospital the following day because the feelings wouldnt go away. I was prescribed Ativan (I was already on 30 mg of Paxil for mild depression) and after a couple of days, I was back to my happy self. I started college, moved away from home, and was doing great until I had an attack during October break in 2010. I was doing so well before this attack that my doctor was helping me wean myself off Paxil and it was going fine! Well, after that attack, life was hell. I left vacation early because i couldn't stop crying, shaking, dry heaving, etc. I couldn't eat, sleep, or get out of bed. Sadly, this lasted for months. I saw my psychiatrist who at first prescribed Remeron, 10 mg Paxil, and 2 mg Valium but I couldnt handle feeling so sedated. It was a long period of trial and error before i could find something that started to work: 50 mg Zoloft and 7.5 mg Buspar 2x a day. For the last year I've been okay. My grades have been improving, no attacks, been going out with my friends, etc.; however, I still don't feel like i did before all this happened. I'm desperate for peace. Like, while this medicine has helped tremendously, I still feel a bit sad and exhausted from trying to hold myself together.

Last night one hit me out of nowhere and i immediately flashed back to those 3 horrible months back in 2010 and that makes my attacks so much worse. I had to take a 4th of a Valium to sleep and it just devastates me that its happening again even though I notice a.difference in the feelings I'm feeling now and back then. I have more control this time- no physical symptoms except for the extreme sadness and detachment.

Now this is where it gets even stranger. Whenever I have my panic attacks, two things pop into my mind: the thought of feeling this miserable forever and my mom. I just break down into tears when i think about her. I've always been super close to her, but i have no idea why I immediately gravitate to her. I then run into a road block because I'm so scared to tell her because I don't want her to be sad like I am, which obviously makes it even worse.

Sorry this is so scatterbrained..I'm just thinking and typing to get it all out. What do you guys think? I'm going to try to increase my Zoloft at my next appt. Does anyone else experience these feelings of extreme sadness during an attack? Is it normal that I compare this attack to the last ones? Any advice?

Hi! What you're going through is so common with anxiety sufferors , including myself...anticipating the next attack, if it happens, will be like the last attack...and of course, there's always a next attack because we're so focused on it!

You're not alone! Talk to your doctor about any adjustments in meds needed, attend therapy if that's an option, and keep talking to people who understand :)

Best wishes!!