Newbie....an unsteady, anxious sort of agoraphobe?

Hi everyone,

This is my first time coming to any type of support/community board for anxiety.  I'm thisclose to 30 years old, and I've had panic attacks for about half my life.  They've only gotten worse since having two kids...I wonder if it's had something to do with hormonal changes/fluctuations at all. 

Anyway.....I'll give you all my sob story here.  I admit I haven't read many of the other posts here, mainly because I'm trying to get this all written out before my 15 month old wakes up.  (He's getting his molars and has been crazy miserable lately.)  I think it'll help me feel better to just unload a little.....I apologize, because it may bore you to tears!

I'm pretty much in an anxious state at any given time....just varying levels of it.  My world feels like it's shrinking and shrinking and it's making me so mad and frustrated, I hate it!  When I first started getting anxiety attacks, they were few and far between and I never felt the anxiety in between.  But now, in the past 5 years, it's progressed to the point where I just feel so STUCK.  My husband (bless him for being an understanding man) is an adventurous sort (former Army Ranger, Special Forces, current police officer), and we have these two lovely little boys now, and I don't want them to miss out on things because their mother is so riddled with anxiety that she's afraid to go in the grocery store.  Which she is.  Any sort of big, high ceilinged store, actually any place with fluorescent lighting gives me anxiety.  And I get almost like a vertigo feeling in them too.  IE. Walmart, Home Depot, etc.  Like I'm trapped in these places.  I have a REALLY hard time driving on highways.  Can't handle subways.  Forget flying.  My anxiety (and this is a rather recent phenomenon) increases in the heat....which sucks because summer is coming.  I wear a baseball hat or some kind of hat with a brim to make me feel more balanced.  And I'm grateful that my youngest son is still in a stroller because I'm able to hold onto something while I'm walking. 

I don't enjoy much out of my life anymore......my life is ruled by fear.  And I HATE how that sounds.  It makes me mad and want to cry.  My life is governed by any emotion?  Really?  How did this happen to me?  I used to be so, so much more fun, I loved getting out of the house and exercising and shopping, and traveling.  So what the heck?  I live in New York (not city) and we've planned this lovely overnight trip to Washington DC so my oldest son can see the pandas at the zoo.  It's next weekend and I'm already getting myself all worked up over it.  I'm compulsively checking the weather there because I don't want it to be too hot when we're at the zoo, and I'm worried about getting that vertigo-y feeling while we're driving on the highways.  When my husband and I were dating, I drove by myself, from New Jersey to Fayetteville NC, a journey of almost 600 miles, to visit him while he was in the Army.  On Interstate 95.  In a car that was at the time 12 years old.  I had more to worry about then than I do now when I'll have my husband with me and my kids in a car that is only 2 years old. 

I was on medication up until I got pregnant....then for the sake of them I didn't want to be on any meds because of the chance of birth defects, etc.  Then I was nursing.  And my little guy here, he's only nursing once at night still, and I'm trying to wean him off that....because this is just getting out of control.  I haven't bothered with going to a psychologist or anything yet, because I know in the state I'm in, they're going to recommend I see a psychiatrist for medication.  I have an appointment with my regular physician next week to ask him about the instable feeling I get when walking in open space or driving in open space.  I have a feeling it's related to anxiety, but I'm going to have him check my ears and such. 

It's supposed to be 80 degrees in Washington DC next weekend.  Granted, this is 8 days away still....but I'm already stressed out about it.  I know I'm going to be seeking shade at any opportunity.  I'm actually going to speak with my physician as well about maybe asking for one dose of Xanax or something like that, just so I might actually be able to ENJOY one SINGLE day out of my life for a change, one where I know my son is going to have a blast.  I've never taken Xanax or anything like that, so I don't know....

Anyway.....I'm not necessarily asking for advice I guess......but I just wanted so badly to vent a little....and maybe not feel so alone.  Because I'm the only one I know who suffers from stuff like this.  

Thank you if you've made it this far.  And there's my littlest guy summoning me.... 

Post Edited (oldecoloniste) : 4/26/2012 7:56:43 PM (GMT-6)

Hi, I'll make this quick because I am exhausted (but won't sleep due to horrid insomnia...ugh), but I wanted you to know that you certainly are not alone. I have most of the same issues as you do also. Life is getting narrower each day based on the things I can do without freaking out.

I recently became somewhat fearful of driving, too, because now I am afraid of bends/curves in the road and traffic lights turning yellow (worried I won't make it thru). It's beyond ridiculous.

In addition, I have severe OCD (germs), so grocery shopping freaks me out 100%.

So, hang in there and know that we are here for you. Be well!

Hey Oldecoloniste. I suffer from anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression; and many of the wonderful friends that come along with A/PD and depression, etc. At the same time I'm dealing with all this stuff, I'm also dealing with physical health problems with my g/f (crohns and other autoimmune) as well as some physical health problems with myself that have really changed the quality of my/our lives.

I completely relate to what you said regarding high ceilings, flourescent lighting (something in most stores makes me feel off balance.. maybe I'm sensitive to some chemical or smell that's in the store? *shrugs*), and the summer heat (definitely prefer the winter time.. heat makes me feel uncomfortable and like I have a fever or something) - I don't think the Army Rangers would admit me to their ranks :). You really hit those three things on the head for me too. Just wanted to let you know that you're far from alone. Lately, with all the scary physical medical problems that have been going on btw my g/f and myself, I've been feeling much more anxious and much more easily set off. There was a time before the physical stuff came to a head where I was able to enjoy life much more; much more difficult now that I'm contending with real physical things on top of everything else.

I recommend that you talk to your Dr about what you're experiencing. I think ultimately it would probably be best if you went to see someone you could talk to. They may give you some medication that could take the edge off of your anxiety. Also, it can be good to just vent like you did now with someone that understands. I think I'm gonna try and look into a physical/in person support group that's local to me.

I should mention that however out of left field a panic attack with me seemed years ago, I realize these days that there was always something going on in my head conciously or just under the surface; and that it was these thoughts that had a direct relation to my panic attacks, depression, etc...

Anyway, hang in there.

Not so
TroubleFree

Hey Oldecoloniste. I've been checking back on this post to see if you have responded. As you can see, you are not alone; and you hit on many topics that those with anxiety are currently dealing with and for whom those things act as triggers. Would like to hear how you're doing and how your trip went.

Hey SC. I definitely know how you felt at the Dr's office with your husband. Health related business is definitely a trigger... I think it probably would be even for those that aren't overly anxious. My g/f and I are both dealing with health related stuff.. hers happens to be more serious, but mine aren't simple or easy either.

I do have an understanding of my anxiety, but I do not have a plan for recovery at the moment. There are just too many things going on at once; I feel completely overwhelmed. I did look online for local support groups and there seems to be one that deals with CBT. I've tried A LOT of stuff already... probably a bit of CBT as well.

Anyway, didn't want to hijack this post. I'm interested in how oldecoloniste is doing. By bumping this post I figured there may be more chance of hearing a response. Would love to hear back about how things are going OC. You are not alone (sounds X Filesish). Hang in there.

Not So
TroubleFree

O.C.,

I hope that everyone is feeling better now, and that your trip will be fun and enjoyable.

Our family went to DisneyLand while I was struggling with the worst panic episodes of my life...but I made it though...lots of deep breathing and positive self-talk!

You will make it through, and hopefully enjoy the day yourself, seeing it through your kids eyes:)

Let us know how it went!

Be well,

S.C.

Hi, I am relatively new to this forum but a veteran when it comes to anxiety! Fox 7 has responded very insightfully to a couple of my posts but when I read oldecoloniste's first post I also felt like I was reading my own life story! I found this page when I searched swaying, which has become an unbearable problem for me. I cannot stand still, especially when I am in anxious situations (always)! At shops I find myself leaning on counters, holding onto trolleys, shuffling, fidgeting, looking for seats ... Anything to provide stability! (I have asked for help/suggetsions about this on another page but because I am not brilliant with computers feel I may have posted in the wrong place). It's such a horrible symptom because prior to this I felt as though I was doing a pretty good job 'hiding' my anxiety. Now I feel people must be looking at me wondering if I'm drunk. I find myself cutting conversations short or avoiding people/situations just so I don't have to stand unsupported feeling vulnerable. I am so ashamed of this symptom/behavior because I am an otherwise physically healthy, competent person who should be counting her blessings instead of cowering, unable to stand tall in the most routine, normal interactions which occur in everyday life. I am in the process of changing antidepressants and have built a tolerance to Valium so neither these 'crutches' are giving me a reprieve at the moment. PLEASE, if anyone can help with treating, coping or disguising this symptom I would lover to hear from you.