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I'm new to this. I here to vent & in need of help.

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Posted 5/13/2012 10:32 AM (GMT 0)
I'm not sure where to start and I'm sorry ahead of time for the length of this post. I live in a lower class urban city in southern California. I'm 25 years old and I have no motivation in life. I live with my mom and younger brother in section 8 housing. I can't go to school because I get horrible anxiety attacks, I can't hold down a job, and I wake up every day hating the person I see in the mirror. Since I was young, I've always felt like I had some sort of personality disorder but I never told anyone therefore I've never tried to get help.

When I was 10 years old my older sister got pregnant at age 16 and had her first child. She gained over 50 pounds and my mom would regularly say things like, "Don't be like your sister. Don't get fat like her." Every day she would call my sister fat in front of the whole family. When I turned 12 I hit puberty; I got taller, gained some weight, and then my mom started calling me fat. So I began restricting my diet. At the time, I didn't even realize what I was doing was considered an eating disorder until I was in high school.

Growing up in my household was always difficult for me. My father left when I was 4, right around the same time I was molested by my uncle. When I was 8 my older brother would regularly molest me and by the time I was 16 I was raped by my first boyfriend. No one knows about any of this. My mom doesn't speak any English and in my family, we don't talk about our emotions, we don't say "I love you," we don't express our sad feelings, we just learned to put a fake smile on our face and act like everything was okay.

After my first boyfriend raped me I didn't tell anyone because I felt like it was my fault. I allowed him to take advantage of me, and so I deserved it. Soon after that, I began self mutilating myself almost every day. I became very promiscuous, started ditching school to drink alcohol and experiment with drugs. When I was a junior, I got kicked out of my high school and almost didn't graduate. My senior year of high school I met my second boyfriend who was the love of my life. He was sweet, gentle, and understood me. He didn't know about my past, but while being with him, all that stuff didn't matter. He unknowingly made me stop cutting myself, I started eating like a normal person again, and he convinced me to enroll in my first year of college. We were together for 4 years, but our relationship wasn't perfect; there were plenty of ups and downs, and breakups to makeups. I would regularly burst out into fits of anger only to long for his affection and acceptance soon after. The man I once thought understood me was now being pushed away by my own self hatred. Every time he tried to break up with me I would beg him not to leave. I would cry so hard my eye balls felt like they were going to explode. He'd eventually take me back only to go through the same endless cycle all over again. He also cheated on me constantly but I forgave him every time because I couldn't bare being alone. I got so obsessed I dropped out of school, I couldn't trust him, I would check his phone constantly, and whenever he'd leave my house I'd follow him in my car to see where he was going. One time I followed him to a girl's house, parked outside and waited for him to come out. When he did, I called him and told him I knew where he was and what he was doing. He got so scared he broke up with me for good.

For some reason, when that relationship ended, things seemed to get better for me. I turned 21 and I got my first job. I hadn't cut myself for 4 years and my weight was normal. When I turned 22, I met my third boyfriend and I fell in love with him, fast and hard. We had so much in common and I loved how he made me feel. I felt comfortable around him right away. At first our relationship was very calm and we never fought. Then I lost my job and the cycle started again; I'd burst out into fits of anger, and then crave for his affection afterward. The relationship went down as fast as it started. He basically couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me January of this year. I am currently still in an on-off relationship with him right now. Even though he broke up with me in January we still talk to each other every day, and we see each other at least 4 times a week. After he broke up with me I began cutting myself again, I've started to restrict my diet again, and for the first time ever I've begun to binge and purge.

I'm not sure why I'm even here. I guess I'm kind of asking for help. I know there's something wrong with me but I don't know what it is. And where can I go to get help? I don't have a job, I'm in debt, and I don't have health insurance. I don't know what to do.
Posted 5/13/2012 11:45 AM (GMT 0)
From a nutritional perspective, I hope this helps:

1. A deficiency of magnesium magnifies anxiety, depression and stress. Serotonin, the feel good brain chemical that is boosted artificially by some medications, depends on magnesium for its production and function. A person that is going through a stressful period without sufficient magnesium can set up a deficit that, if not corrected, can linger, causing anxiety, depression and further health problems.

2. Magnesium deficiency can be an underlying cause of anxiety and depression, as determined in several clinical trials as referenced in the following:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16542786?ordinalpos=6&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_DefaultReportPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

http://george-eby-research.com/html/depression-anxiety.html

3. Symptoms of chronic magnesium deficiency include paranoia, anxious behavior, depression, hyperemotionality, apprehension, confusion, anger, nervousness, insomnia, and nervous fits to name a few.

4. An important study in 1995 showed that even marginal magnesium deficiency could induce the brain to become hyperexcitable, as shown by EEG measurements. The study lasted six months, with thirteen women ingesting a total of 115 milligrams of magnesium daily, only 30 percent of the RDA, for the first three months, during which time their EEGs showed hyperexcitability. During the second three months, they received 315 mg daily—a little closer to the 360 mg RDA recommended for women. However, even on this low dose of magnesium (315 mg), it took only six weeks for EEG readings to show
significant improvement in brain function and decreased excitability.

5. Stress is so prevalent in our daily life that we have become desensitized to it and the message it is trying to give us, which is to slow down. Depression and anxiety is a chemical reaction created when the adrenal glands respond to a stressful event, such as low blood sugar, by releasing adrenaline.

6. Hypoglycemia - When you are hungry or skip meals, you lower your blood sugar. The brain becomes extremely vulnerable to excitotoxins during episodes of low blood sugar or hypoglycemia. Pound for pound, the brain uses more blood sugar than any other part of the body. Low blood sugar occurs when you are malnourished or even when you skip meals. It also occurs in individuals whose adrenal glands are depleted and can’t mount the necessary adrenaline response to raise blood sugar when it gets too low. Magnesium is responsible for balancing blood sugar. With sufficient magnesium and balanced meals to prevent low blood sugar, you can protect yourself against depression, anxiety and mood disorders. Supporting the brain as much as possible with safe nutrients and a safe environment, you may never need the brain-altering medications that are prescribed for these disorders.

7. Magnesium is the anti-stress mineral and is known to alleviate stress, depression, anxiety and insomnia something we all need in these tough and stressful economic times. One of the most absorbable forms of nutritional magnesium is magnesium citrate powder which can be taken with hot or cold water.

For more information and free e-booklets go to http://www.nutritionalmagnesium.org and sign up for their free newsletter and they will give you access to the free e-booklets.

Medical Disclaimer:

The ideas, procedures and suggestions contained in this email are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician. All matters regarding your physical health require medical supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss, injury or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this email. The opinions expressed in this email represent the personal views of the author and not the publisher.

EDIT:  Please review the rules of HW - I will kindly ask that you refrain from hijacking threads to paste indentical posts promoting  this article.  If you have a link to an article that you feel is useful for the members in the anxiety forum you may post the link as long as it is not spam. All duplicate posts in A & P will be deleted. 

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 5/13/2012 8:45:03 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/13/2012 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hey BeautifullyTorn. I'm sorry to hear about all the obstacles you've had to contend with in your young life. I too grew up in an abusive setting/dysfunctional family. I'm male, so there are some differences in our situations, but I could certainly identify and empathize with you. I wasn't going to reply at first, but I read your well written post only to find spam as a response to this. I think that post should be removed. I think you'll hear from others soon, the spammers seem to have a way of messing up forums.

I do have a couple of suggestions. Out of the 1000 or so self books that I've read, only one book has REALLY hit home for me personally and I thought it could provide you with some insight as well. The book is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Ph.D. It's an interesting book because it deals not only with the dynamics of family, (and in particular parents - title afterall :) ), but the books dynamics extend out into other relationships that are affected by these early experiences. After reading your post this was the first thing I thought of.

The price of therapy, literally, can be a big one. You may be able to find a therapist or group that works on a sliding scale. I'm presently looking into finding a group setting for anxiety/depression etc, etc... I think having the opportunity to be able to connect and talk with people that are going through some of the same things in person could prove to be beneficial.

Hope my suggestions help some and that my reply is followed by many other helpful responses.

Not So
TroubleFree
Posted 5/14/2012 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Great advice from TroubleFree! I would look into the book mentioned, along with other self-help titles that deal with healing from abuse.

There are indeed therapists who work on a sliding scale/pro-bono, but the waiting lists can be long, so be prepared to sign up early and wait. Group therapy is also a great, cost effective alternative.

Your other option, which would be an all around good thing for you would be to get back in school! Not only would you be getting your education and furthering your options for later in life...you would have access to your school's counseling programs! There may also be support groups that meet your needs there. Consider going back if it is at all possible.

One more idea...if you are part of a church...even if you don't attend regularly, you can most likely talk to the pastor or priest, or even a church appointed councelor for some help and direction...it is worth asking.:)

Keep posting here with us regarding any anxiety issues that you have...we are here to listen and help.:)

Talk to you soon,

Scaredy Cat

Posted 5/14/2012 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

You have had some good advice and support from other members so I just wanted to pop in and say hello and welcome to the A/P forum you really have found a good support network stay with us and keep posting.

Hibee
Posted 5/14/2012 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
Wish we could post links but here is something I listen to often when feeling real down:

Robin Thicke - Never give up.

"Lost your job,
lost your mind
living on the street
for the second time
all you do is dream
another new tonight
I see blue skies in front of me

baby, never give up
don't stop now,
it's never too much
never give up
never give up
hold on babe
never give up
oh, oh, oh, oh,
I, I, I, I, I, I, I…. never
I, I, I, I, I,
never give up

no, no, no, never give up
never give up, baby yeah

lost your heart
lost your will
on your hands and knees
just for a dollar bill
lost your faith
and your confidence
it never seems fair
nothing make sense

baby, it ain't over
it's not over
it's never over
i said never give up
i said never give up
hold on baby
it's never too much
oh, oh, oh, oh,
I, I, I, I, I, I, I…. never
I, I, I, I, I,
never give up

never give up
never give up
never give up
never give up
uh.. aha

feel like a joke
I feel like a fool
I should have smarten up
I should have stayed in school
what I'm gonna do?
how am I gonna get by?
I ain't got no whistle
but I can't stop trying

I said baby,
it ain't over
it's not over
it's never over
never give up
never give up
never give up
never give up
oh, oh, oh, oh,
I, I, I, I, I, I, I…. never
I, I, I, I, I,
never give up"
Posted 5/15/2012 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
TheIsomotion,

It is perfectly okay to post a link to a song on say, youtube...the only links that are not allowed would be ones with innapropriate content (the things that go against the forum rules) or a link that is promoting the sale of merchandise (spam) or a link in which the poster has a vested interest...

but we post links to videos all the time:)

S.C.
Posted 5/16/2012 10:28 AM (GMT 0)
Or she could "volunteer" herself to a university that teaches therapy. In other words she could get basically free therapy which would be administered to her by grad students under supervision as they train to become therapists. Don't know what state she's from but she could check this out and see if there is a school or agency nearby that is willing to help.

And yes your diet could play a part (MINUSCULE) but overall I'd say your family dynamics could use some work...you could start by FORGIVING YOURSELF. You did nothing wrong but you have to learn that for yourself...and it is also in your power to heal yourself also...with some help of course. There are skills that can be taught one of these is to love your SELF.

Note I did not say love yourself, but to love your SELF; love the true you...not the you whom you seem to think you are (as you proclaimed hate for what you see in the mirror). This is not the true you...circumstances have lead you to have a concept of yourself that is far from the beautiful person you are.

How is your relationship with your mother? Try to get to know her better...From the little I know of you I get the sense that there is a social disconnect there which could actually benefit both of you...if you could somehow bond with her.

Hopefully you can learn to give yourself the love and approval that you seemed to have searched for...which she might not have had but which could bring healing to both of you...

Post Edited (natural1) : 5/16/2012 4:32:32 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/16/2012 12:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Beautifullytorn
Welcome. I hope you'll be able to find some comfort and support here. I read your post last night but I wanted to think about my reply first. a diagnosis would probably help a lot. even if it's just so you know what's wrong then you can start it try and get better.
I know the rape and abuse happened a while ago but is there a rape/ abuse counseling service you could access? They might be able to provided you with a list of other services e.g the doctors who work to sliding scale/pro bono that SC mentioned. In Australia if your unemployed and have a health care card you can access doctors etc. at a discounted rate or free. I have no idea if they have a similar scheme in the US but if you're collecting unemployment it might be worth asking if you're entitled to something like this.
With school, is there online courses you could do? Or maybe just start with some short courses to reduce the pressure?
I hope you can find help soon and start to get your life heading where you want it to go.
Best of luck and take care :)
Posted 5/17/2012 9:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi

You have had some great input and support from the wonderful members here so I just wanted to pop in and say hello and welcome to the forum I am glad you have found us and keep posting.

Hibee
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