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Posted 6/2/2012 2:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bronco,

wow, you have been through a lot.  I had a rough childhood, went through a lot and witnessed a lot that I won't go into, but nothing like you.  It is very strange how anxiety can surface as "crippling" later on, not during the worst parts of what a person experiences. Like you, I knew under the surface there was a level of anxious feelings within me, but even after a number of very distressing events; neither you or I had it turn into what it is for us now.

I mean, even if it is manifesting itself differently in both of us, it is what it is, it is as if a switch was flipped one day and this thing "anxiety" completely became who we are - as if out of nowhere.  However, the therapist I went to for about a year would beg to differ.  We are sum of what happens to us.  Meaning, you can only control your nervous system for so long.  It could be one last event, or a series of prolonged fight or flight thoughts that tips the scale. 

I do think for both of us, and many who suffer from anxiety and panic, when you go through a series of events in life and can suppress the anxiety, some day your nervous system is simply fatigued and misfires.  What we try to do, because it is so distressing, is link it to one singular event, when in reality it truly is the cumulative result of many things.  The strangest thing however is, that when it does surface it seems to come from absolutely nowhere.  And when it keeps resurfacing, we ask ourselves "what the heck??? where is this coming from?" 

One thing I think I can puzzle together is the mind body connection.  Those weeks that you had constant worry that the stents would fail, and my weeks of constant worry and stress when a new leadership style took over, led to an end result - severe anxiety and panic.  It's as if all the other events in life lay dormant, until this prolong daily fight or flight episode happens (chasing ghosts - a metaphor for daily thinking about all the "what if's, or when's it going to happen, and in your case "will I die any day now", my doctor said our bodies can only take those thoughts a bit at a time, not over a prolonged period of weeks or months (some cases years).  This is when, even when you are not thinking of anything distressful, your nervous system remains in fight or flight and creates this "out of the blue" panic or anxiety.  This much I truly believe.  I had a panic episode driving to work yesterday. No reason, came out of nowhere, was not thinking anything anxiety provoking.  That is what is so frustrating - right?

Well Bronco, how ever we got here, we are here.  Now we just have to find the right answers to calm our minds and bodies.  Let's just hope we don't have to spend the rest of our lives finding the right recipe!!!  Take care of yourself :-)

Posted 6/2/2012 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
Bronco, I forgot, thank you so much for your kind words.  I do know money and position is not so important in the scope of things.  The job itself is only important at this point in my life due to my husband's job instability and his immune disorder.  We simply cannot be without insurance.  When I thought I was losing my job and learned that COBRA; continuation of insurance on self pay was going to cost $1,000. a month for both of us. 

that's when I felt stuck in this job.  I am looking for other employment and trying to apply for what I think will be less stress, one never knows. Even if it means less pay and a lower position - I will be fine as long as the insurance is decent enough to help my husband's condition from getting worse.  His meds are over $1,000 per month if not covered. 

I am 44, soon to be 45, and I am learning that money and position is not what life is about.  unfortunately, we need some level of money in order to have proper insurance and pay the bills.  It's finding the balance I guess - difficult in this economy - seems like it's one extreme or another.  Higher income with benefits equals a toxic environment.  While lower stress and lower income usually equates to a less toxic environment, but stress over lack of decent insurance and money to pay for those concerns.  sad

 

Posted 6/2/2012 11:04 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Virgo for sharing. I don't know what to think about the cumulative effect about events in my life. I never thought of it that way. My Dr. said it could be a delayed reaction of Post Traumatic Syndrome from Vietnam and the recent events triggered it. I don't think I buy that either. I had a much harder time adjusting back to civilian life than anything that happened while I was in. I expected change and was prepared for it and whatever came along with my tours of duty. When I got home I expected everything to be the way I left it and it wasn't and I was not prepared for that. Not to mention returning service men from Vietnam were not very popular at the time. I think I did a pretty good job of putting all that in it's proper place and move on with my life. I had two close friends that were never able to put their lives back together after being over there and both were dead within two years of coming home from drugs and alcohol. I was determined to not go that route. I still believe it had everything to do with that 4 hours on the table and the 13 weeks of uncertainty after the procedure and then facing open heart that brought all this on.
I know what you mean about the insurance being an important part of your decision about your job. That was my biggest concern when I decided to take early retirement and is my biggest monthly expense by far. I pay $1068.00 a month for my wife, our son and I. I cannot afford to be without it either and was told it will be going up another $200.00 a month the first of the year because of the new "Affordable Care Act". I have not been able to find where the "Affordable" part is yet! I have applied for SS disability and have hired an attorney and that whole process is stressful in itself. In the mean time my wife went back to work to help pay the insurance. If she gets on full time she will be offered insurance so maybe that will work out till I get on Medicare. We still have a 15 year old son at home along with two married kids and 5 grandkids. Our last one was a late in life surprise! All this isn't fair to him either. We would like to be able to do some traveling with him and make some memories before he goes off on his own.
I am currently trying to get off Cymbalta and not having an easy time of it. Don't know what I'll do after that. Don't really want to be on any drugs for anxiety after my experience with Cymbalta. I'm done venting again. Thanks for listening!
Posted 6/4/2012 4:18 AM (GMT 0)
Branco, ok so here it is....... I was date rapped at 15 and while it was no where near what Vietnam and returning from it was, it was one of my moments to prove strength to myself. I knew within myself that I wanted to be strong.  I had weak moments, and was very lost as a "good catholic girl", but all along, I felt empowered by the fact that I didn't need help getting through it.  I had melt downs for sure, that none of my friends understood.  For a good Catholic girl, I could not admit why my entire sophomore year was so upsetting.  None of my friends could understand why I had melt downs, but I could not bring it to the surface.  Even then, I remember thinking, I know what emotions I am covering, but I am strong enough to get through them.  Add to that so many other things; and all the while feeling strength in fighting back a level of anxiety that I felt powerful over.

I struggle to believe that my younger experiences, x's 20, had anything to do with what finally triggered full blown anxiety and panic, but I think they somehow set the foundation of what I am going through now.  I can look at an intense period of time in which I was going through intense stress as the core event that caused the problem, but in realtity, I think the stage was already set.  To this day I still fight it and feel strong every time I can overcome a panic moment; albiet, less often than before. 

To me, it's like building a house or building, the foundation is set.  While it may hold things in place, and level, for so long, age (experience)wear and time makes things shift.  One day it is simply out of code and ropped off because it is unstable.  I think we can only hold back until that pivotable moment or event creates instability in the foundation; whereas, a total renovation and stabilization is needed to make that building and home liveable again. 

No doubt your time on the table changed not only the chemistry within your body, but finally some level of restructuring.  A final release of months of worry regarding your outcome.  No doubt you still have some level of worry,  but for the most part, the toughest hurdle of worry is beyond you and your nervous system is so fatigued that it takes over at will, not able to be supressed by your will.  That I feel is happening to me, but for so many different reasons - it's all relative to each individual.

Let me say this.  There is no reason in a nation such as ours that our veterens should ever worry one day about health insurance.  I am a tax payer, and while I struggle with living in a "wealthfare state" - the nations itself, not my own experience, I do believe those that served for our freedom should at the very least expect our respect in supporting them and their direct families.  Unbelievable that this is not the case!   Bronco, I wish you well and I wish you the best in life and freedom from this awful affliction!  It is what I wish for myself, but also for you and others because I know I am not alone, I know what it feels like, and wish that not one single person should have to live with this daily fight!  For me, I am taking it one day at a time and feel lucky I can fight and still be contructive regardless - just hoping the day that I can no longer hide the fight never comes to light......

Virgo

Posted 6/4/2012 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
*SIGH* I've been pretty good for a while but in the last couple of weeks I feel I've been struggling with my anxiety and depression. I just seem to have no motivation. I've been missing some work because of it. I think it's this time of year between my dad's birthday and the anniversary of his death. It will be 4 years this July.I don't think I've finished grieving even after all this time. Also one of my closest friend's is very sick after her addisons disease flared up and another friend has to admit her daughter (who has CP, seizures, vision problems and a G tube) to hospital to get her breathing tested.
I usually exercise regularly (every second or third day) but I had to cut back for over a month after developing contact dermatitis due to fabric softener in a rather awkward and embarrassing area of my body. I don't know if this has played a part in things but I'm hoping now the dermatitis is gone and I can get back to exercising I'll start to feel better again.
well thats my vent for today :-)
Posted 6/4/2012 2:39 PM (GMT 0)
Virgo, It's starting to make a little sense with me what you are saying.
I'm not sure any of us can compare our experiences to what you had happen. That is such a personal violation of your body and your very being. Nothing I've been through can be considered a personal attack on me.
I do understand what you mean about that experience making you stronger and feeling empowered. I guess that's why some of what you are saying is starting to connect because My military and combat experience is I believe what had more influence in shaping who I am today than all 12 years in school. Up untill that time I feel like I was just lollygagging through life til I had to focus on the task at hand in the military. Those were times that tested me to the point that I finally found out who I really was and what I was capable of. I can't say the 4 years in the military robbed me of anything in my life because I didn't have a plan and because of the war going on I didn't have any desire to make a plan because everyone around me was going off to Vietnam. For the most part I hung around with guys that were a year older than me so they were all going before me so I ended up enlisting. I don't associate that part of my life with unpleasant memories because for the first time I had a purpose and was part of something that was bigger than me. I never felt a part of the highschool experience. The Navy taught me alot about myself so in that sense you could say that's when the foundation was being laid for my life, but not in a bad way.
I was the oldest of 9 kids. My Mom was always busy with the younger ones and never had much time for us older ones as we became teenagers and my Dad wasn't around much because of work and other things. I don't blame anyone, that's just the way it was. I never got one letter from my Mom the whole 4 years I was gone and couldn't understand at the time till one of my susters told me she was not herself for several years after my brother was killed. I have a good relationship with my Mom these days. All 6 of my sisters are still living but my two brothers and my Dad are gone. I never really felt a part of the family either. Like I said, I didn't feel defined as a person till I was in the Navy.
All that being said, I guess I'm having a hard time connecting all that to what's going on today. Like you, I feel as though my experiences made me who I am and made me stronger and more focused and showed me what I could accomplish. I went far in my work life also for only having a highschool education. I was driven to succeed and I did. The one day a few years ago The rug was pulled out from under me and I finally met up with something I couldn't conquer. I bothers me alot that I've let this take control of my life and dictate what I can and can't do. I guess what I'm trying to say is I get it that events in our life lay the foundation of who we are. I just can't draw the connection between what I consider a fairly productive life to this taking over instantly because of events 2.5 years ago. I've been thinking alot about what you are saying and don't disagree with you except I can't connect this to the past. I maybe would have an easier time if my past was all bad. or I had a very traumatic experience like you did. but my defining traumatic experience was, now that I think about it, 3 years ago. It started in June of 2009 with that 4 hours on the cath table having th stents put in. The only connection I can draw to the past was my Dad had 3 heart attacks when he was 42 years old and finally had open heart and that was in 1973 when It was still relatively new. He lived 21 years after that till he was 63. I turn 63 in two minths but that doesn't really bother me because i know that the medical advances since his procedure have been tremendious and even my follow up care since my surgery is much better that what he had. Sorry to be rambling on again, but it does feel good to be able to talk about such things. On another positive note I am starting my 4th day of quiting Cymbalta cold turkey. This has not been easy so far but I'm doing it. This is my 3rd attempt at trying this. I have never been able to get through day 3 till yesterday. Here's hoping I make day 4. Have a great day and thanks so much for the conversation. My wife has been through alot with me and is very supportive but I know she doesn't understand what this is like and I hope she never has to find out. I am greatful for forums like this to open up. I have never done this before either. Something new in my life again!
Posted 6/24/2012 3:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bronco

My mom is one of 10 and my dad one of 9, so I understand big families.  While they are great because there are so many siblings to connect to (or not in some cases), they are not without making some of the kids feel a certain way.  My mother was the second oldest, and the first girl, so she had to pull mommy duty to her siblings.  By the time she had us 3 kids, she was so done with taking care of kids.  There are so many things that go along with that and things my dad did, so we won't get into that, too long!

I truly think a foundation can be set for your (any of our) nervous systems to flip into anxiety; constant fight or flight feeling etc. can happen in a sort episode  - yet somewhat prolonged, or a lifetime of an upsetting childhood. 

I think the weeks that you had that original stint in your heart, and the fact that they told you it was likely to fail, were weeks of torture for you.  I think it was very taxing to your nervous system.  It is all "mind body."  Worry and mental stress makes our bodies feel that fight or flight constantly and makes our nervous system eventually say enough!  That is when it misfires into panic and anxiety.

I am happy you have support, as do I.  My husband is understanding, but it's not like he truly understands.  I could not drive on the highway for a couple years due to the panic. Or talk to a group for work.  When I would see others do this with no issue it would be frustrating trying to figure out why their nervous systems did not kick in with anxiety or panic.  I do have to take klonopin for days I know I will be on the highway or give speaches.

Like you, I do not wish this on anyone.  It's just so frustrating that they don't and can't possible understand how it feels.  Before this happened to me, I had someone that worked for me and had panic and anxiety so bad she would leave the teller line at the bank and I really needed her to work it.  I just could not understand what the issue was.  Now I feel bad that I was not as understanding, because now I know how terrible it feels!!!  she is on FB with me and i have apologized now.

I am happy for you regarding going off meds, I wish you luck.  I keep trying to carve out time for myself to have some natural solutions; meditation, self-help cognitive practices etc.  I fight a daily med, but know I cannot continue on Klonopin.  Uggg!  I'll find my way, I am sure.  Take care Branco!

Posted 6/25/2012 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
It's so good to come home from work and see this thread! It always makes me sad to read all of your stories, but at the same time, makes me glad to know that none of you are giving up. I hope to be as strong as you all eventually. :-)

As usual, I've been working nonstop, so I haven't had any time for anxiety. Well unnecessary anxiety, anyway. Since I purchased the Linden Method, it's been working pretty well, but I was honestly expecting the results to be instant. All in time, I guess!

Unfortunately, for some reason, I've been feeling panic whenever I'm in the car. Not too sure why it's happening all of a sudden - just my thoughts looking for something negative to pick at, I guess. :/

I hope you all have a great day and week and keep remaining positive. Hugs to you all. :D
Posted 7/2/2012 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
First of all I need, have 2 aplozie 2 Y'ALL 4 not writing until right now I am sssssssooooo sorry I really really am I've just been sssssoooooooo busy, thats no lie.

Secondly I keep forgetting the date, time of when I stopped 4 good Y'ALL know so I'm just going 2 say I stopped yet again ok, if that's ok with Y'ALL u know
Posted 7/3/2012 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
I have 2 aplozie 2 Y'ALL 4 not writing until right now I've just been sssssoooo busy, that's the truth.

Anyways I just want 2 tell Y'ALL that I keep forgetting just how long it has been since I have stopped 4 good, the date 2 in which I did it also so I am just gonna say 4-ever that I just stopped until the day that I die if that's ok with Y'ALL instead of me constantly keeping track Y'ALL know
Posted 7/3/2012 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi P.C. :)

Don't worry about posting at any particular time...no need to apologize...just write and keep us updated when you can and want to! :)

I am really glad to hear that you are doing well, and I hope that you continue to have success and feel good in regards to your anxiety and nervous habit.

Know that we are always here for your support, and consider you an important member of this community.

Talk to you soon, and keep up the good work!

S.C.
Posted 7/8/2012 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
Since this is labeled "Issues and Vices Journal". I have a few issues about a couple of vices. I have been cold turkey off Cymbalta 37 days now. I guess maybe cold turkey isn't exactly right since at day 11 I was losing it and started 20 mg of Prozac every other day, but I have been off the Prozac now 7 days. Now for the issues. I'm still having a few mild withdrawal symptoms. My cardiologist has been doing alot of blood work on me lately because I have high inflamation levels in my blood and they can't find the source. Also my Glucose has been going up each time. For many years I have always used Pepsi and chocolate as my comfort food, especially Three Muskateers Bars. Now I have to give all that up because of the glucose, I am now pre-diabetic. I am still struggling a little with the cymbalta withdrawal and now I have to give up my comfort food. I have coronary artery disease and have had open heart surgery so I guess I'm not doing my self any favors with this stuff. So, here we go with the caffeine and sugar withdrawal. Anyway, that's about the only vices I had left and the issue is I have to now give them up!
Posted 7/8/2012 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
I looked back to see when I last posted on this thread and see it was on 5/23 and for a short time I was doing so much better.  Now I am like a yo-yo; up and down and way to many downs.  I am finding this very scary as it is now 6 years since I had my major melt-down I chose to take early retirement from the job I loved.

All my friends and I do mean all were tied to my job and I never dreamed they would all move on without me.  But enough of the "woe is me story" as I have whole history of sad stories but also a history and loving warm memories of awesome stories.  I have loving children, grandchildren and the best hubby and I accept that I am a person with mental health issues but I am a good person and deserve happiness so I keep on marching forward.

Anxiety is an old habit pattern that my body responds to. I am going to calmly and nicely change this old habit if it takes forever.  I feel a little bit of peace, despite my anxiety, and this peace is going to grow and grow.  As my peace and security grows, then anxiety and panic will have to shrink.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

 

 

Posted 7/9/2012 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
Bronco and Kitt

You guys both ROCK... am sending out encouraging hugs, and high-fives as well.

We will keep working on all this stuff together...Gooooo Team!! cool


S.C.

Posted 7/9/2012 4:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Cat, we are for sure working on them. Thanks for the high fives!!! Kitt, I too took early retirement. I went back to work after my open heart and only lasted 10 months before it started taking it's toll on me and my Cardiologist advised me to give it up. I too miss all the interaction with everyone at work. When you think about it you spend more of your awake hours with those people than your family for the most part. Can't you still have contact with some that you worked with? I still keep in contact with several and meet some for lunch ocassionally. I have seen so many retire in the 35 years I was with the company and it seemed as though it was a mutual moving on. The work has to go on and the jobs have to get done so the ones left working do have to move on and keep things going. The company I worked for is kind enough to have a big Christmas Party every year at a banquet hall and the past retiree's are always invited so we get to stay in touch that way also. My job was stressful and I don't miss that part at all, but the friendships you build over the years are hard to walk away from. We have had an extreme heat wave in triple digits as a good portion of the country has been experiencing. I never thought I would experience cabin fever in the summer. It was just too dangerously hot to get out and do anything during the day for me. That put me in kind of a downer mood. I've been feeling a little more depressed than anxious lately and I think it's because of the medical problems I'm having at this time. That's great you have a good support system in your family, that's important. I hope things even out for you soon. Now I have to figure out how to overcome the anxiety without the meds. I have been on Wellbutrin XL 300mg since 2006 when my doc diagmosed me with SAD. It seems to work for me with no side effects so I have never thought about getting off it and my doc gave me some Diazepam to help me sleep when I need it. He told me I could take it during the day if I felt anxious but it makes me feel drowsy so I don't like to do that. So, I'm back to trying to cope on my own and stay away from situations that cause me anxiety. Tomorrow wil be a test for me as I was asked by my daughter to take her and her family to the airport that is about 50 miles away and going anywhere out of town causes me anxiety. I was hoping to do this alone but as it gets closer I am leaning towards taking my wife with as a safety net! I enjoy the interaction on here and hope everyone keeps posting! It's nice to be able to open up to people that understand because they have first hand knowledge of what you are going through. It's also good to see the success stories.
Posted 7/10/2012 11:19 AM (GMT 0)
Well, I made the trip. Almost backed out at the last minute. I did take my wife with but I drove there and back. By the time we went to our daughters house to get them, which is in the opposite direction of the airport, we drove about 140 miles round trip. Had to cross the state line and into Chicago traffic but I did it. A little anxiety at first but no panic attacks. I did take 2mg of diazepam an hour before we left but I still take this as an accomplishment. Got into some construction for a couple of miles on the interstate and I was stuck in the outside lane between a concrete barrier wall on my right and a line of semi trucks on my left with no shoulder to get off on and traffic was moving about 50 mph. Not too many months ago that would have caused me tunnel vision and major panic but I stayed calm. I need to get out more like this away from my comfort area and I think the more I do it the more chance I have of overcoming this part of the anziety anyway. Still don't think I could get on a plane anymore or any kind of public transportation and give up control. I relaxed enough on the trip home to actually enjoy the drive. Never thought at this time in my life I would be thinking of something like this as a major accomplishment. Three years of anxiety and panic attacks now and maybe there is hope for me to get out of this dark hole. I know alot of you have been dealing with issues alot longer than I have, but this feels so good because I thought this was how I was going to have to live the rest of my life. I know there is always hope for all of us and I feel like it's finally paying off for me. It's now 40 days off the cymbalta. Still a few symptoms here and there but nothing major now and it keeps getting better everyday.
Posted 7/10/2012 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Whoop Whoop!! turn

Doing the happy dance with you! yeah   yeah yeah Well done! cool


S.C.

Posted 7/15/2012 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
Just thought I would check in again. Still doing good off the Cymbalta and Prozac. Went to a Antique Steam & Power show today with our son and his family and did real well, no anxiety! I'm finding the more I get out and do things I thought I would never do again the better things seem to get. Had another reason to celebrate this week, I was approved for Social Security Disability. That was like a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I took early retirement in Sept. of 2010 and they determined my disability started on the last day I worked so I got back pay for all that time. That has lifted a huge financial burden from us as my health insurance went down because of it and I will now be eligible for Medicare December of this year and that will further reduce my health care costs. I have worked at something since I was 13 years old starting with paper routes and mowing lawns and cleaning horse stalls. I have never had a problem working and for the most part enjoyed it all my life. I also felt it set a good example for my kids. I did try to go back to work after my open heart but just couldn't do it anymore. I even thought I could take a part time job doing something just to stay somewhat in the game but no one wanted me because of the medical issues and age and my Dr. didn't want me working anymore either. The anxiety was getting in the way of being able to do most things also. At first I felt guilty applying for this but Social Security made me feel better about it when I applied saying I was qualified to be on it. So this week has been a good one. We still have a 15 year old son at home and all this has not been fair to him either so now maybe we can afford to do a little more with him and maybe my anxiety will continue to get better so we can go more places. Thanks again for listening, and I hope everyone else had as good or better week.
Posted 8/17/2012 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Deer everyone,
I hate myself 4 everything I've done 2 my body 4 years, years, years, years, mom just keeps begging, negging, constantly putting me down 4 this, that 24/7 even on vac. I just take it anymore at all I'm so depressed about everything, I mean everything😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Post Edited (PICKINGCHICK) : 8/17/2012 9:51:43 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/19/2012 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hey S.C,
Didn't u say that they have a 12 step program 4 (C.S.P)????
Posted 8/19/2012 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
Hi PC,

I am really sorry that you are having a hard time right now.  It is probably hard for your mom to understand what it is that you go through...and how tough this compulsion is to stop.

Try checking out this website and see if it is helpful...or you may find other links from it that are going to work for you.

http://www.trich.org/treatment/article-twelve-step.html

Keep trying, every step brings you a little closer to victory...and your continued effort and reaching out are great steps!!!

S.C.

Posted 8/19/2012 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hey didn't people on here say that there's a 12 step program 4 (C.S.P)????
Posted 8/19/2012 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
Did you try the link I posted above?

S.C.
Posted 8/19/2012 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
Yes thanks
Posted 8/19/2012 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Well I am 17 and my life sucks. I have constant chest pain and I really want to get an angiogram but no one believes me about my chest pain which radiates to my back. I am all alone and I cant do any physicall activity without being in severe pain. I used to run, play sports, basketball and be a boxer, but my life has been ruined for a year and a month ago when i took pills for a month and a half because i was tired all the time, come to relaize i am growing up and i was working out like 5 hours a day. i put my trust into my mother who is a crazy bi-polar selfish drug addict and i wish i never had. i hate her for what she did to me. there is nothing "medically" wrong with me and these antidepressents and therapy do not help. i have done CBT 3 times and all sorts of talking and none has helped me. i had such a great life but now i am in pain and i know im not allowed to talk about suicide. but im looking at that for a way out. i dont really know what to do anymore. i lost all my friends and i dont have a girlfriend anymore i live with my aunt now because my other guardians basically kicked me out. i feel like a bum all day just laying in the basement room doing nothing. this pain is unbearable...i wish i could do physical sports like i used to. i wish i could have that angiogram so everyone could know something is wrong. i dont know what to do anymore:(...i just want this pain to leave
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