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Posted 7/19/2012 4:40 AM (GMT 0)
My relationship of two years may be ending , we have a one year old. He works out of town and so this is so hard because it's so up and down. For the past week it has been such a rollercoaster, I also don't have my family in town they are all away right now. I feel like I am breaking. He was supposed to be coming home tomorrow so we could further discuss what will be happening. He told me a few hours ago he won't be coming home for 14 more days. Now he won't answer his phone. I feel out of breath. I feel so lonely and scared. I don't even want to go to sleep. This wasn't the family I had pictured. Nothing is right... How can I calm down?
Posted 7/19/2012 4:54 AM (GMT 0)
Breathe. Focus on your child. S/he needs you. Everything will work out.

Keep us updated.

Hugs.
Posted 7/19/2012 5:55 AM (GMT 0)
anxsanity,

I am sorry you are going through a rough time. Maybe meditation will help you relax some. And as spoiled said focus on your child. I know in this situation it's hard for words to help ease any pain, but things will get better and smooth out. Right now I say take some deep breaths and try relaxing through meditation. Maybe even some calming music, like nature music or sounds.

Best wishes
Posted 7/19/2012 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
anxsanity,

Try and distract yourself, and if you ever feel like you are getting into a panicky state make sure you are breathing properly.  Breathe in through your nose and count to 4 and out of your mouth whilst counting to 7.  Continue to do this and it will help you feel calmer.

I know how bad it hurts breaking up with someone you had a love relationship with and the feeling of being like a ship lost in a storm but do take comfort in your child and keep yourself busy. 

Coming here and letting out your feelings is a good thing.  Cry like you have never cried before and remember we are here for you.  You are not alone.

Kindly,

Kitt

 


Posted 7/19/2012 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
i am sorry that you are going through a rough time. As Spoiled said focus on your baby, nothing brings a smile on your face knowing that your child loves you unconditionally though matter the situation. I know the feeling right now because I am somewhat in a situation with my husband, who is divorcing me to marry his friend. I do stress about it because I love him and we have kids together but I focus on my kids. They need me and I need me to be their for them but hold on and come vent when you have too. Be bless and breathe.
Posted 7/19/2012 9:51 PM (GMT 0)
so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. in 12-step recovery a popular saying is "One Day At A Time". when i use this, it allows me to stop worrying about both the future and the past.

the only other thing i would say is, be sure and get support for yourself. perhaps you have friends who are supportive? or family members? if nothing else, consider seeing a therapist to help you through your hard times. having someone listen to my worries always helps me in some way.

best of luck to you!
Posted 7/19/2012 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
All the best to you Anxsanity, I can only tell you what I think might be best. Which is to give him a wee text and say that he is making you feel this way, even something as simple and effective as 'I miss you, I feel like you are being very distant with me and it is hurting me'. Maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing?

Try and stay focused on being as active as you can be - one of the lessons I have learned with this Anxiety, Depression and Chronic Pain is that keeping active when you feel like your being kept in purgatory is mandatory. After all your little one comes first before him and you, and staying active will mean less negative thoughts that might be there for no reason other than that you love him and care about your relationship, and feel a bit lost with the distance between you two. No matter what happens that way you will come out of it stronger!

*hugs* and wishes!
Posted 7/20/2012 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all. I tried to be the best mom and I guess I forgot being a partner. I hate feeling so helpless. He hangs up the phone whenever I try to explain my feelings. To him it's just nagging.. It's just not fair
Posted 7/20/2012 3:38 AM (GMT 0)
anxsanity,

sometimes it's hard for people who don't have anxiety to understand our worries, stresses and anxieties. I know I have trouble expressing my feelings to people around me because I always get the same response "it's all in your head". Obviously I know that, but the comment is not comforting. It's one of the reasons support groups like this forum is so helpful, because we can all relate to one another and help support each other in the time of need. I am sorry you are going through this, and I do wish you the best.
Posted 7/20/2012 2:20 PM (GMT 0)
You seem to be putting all of the blame on yourself, I catch myself doing this when I look back after the scenario is over. Try to have an external view - think about your situation but happening to a friend and what you would advise them... that alone has helped me a lot. I had self esteem issues until I realized people aren't any better than me, and common people love hitting someone when they are already down so to speak.

In summary I strongly recommend you think about the whole scenario as if it was happening to say your best friend in his or her relationship. What would you tell them?

From what I have read, you are a relatively new Mum and while I am not a parent (yet! fingers crossed i have kids!) I know that even the best of us needs mental support. If you can't say 'You are worrying me the way you are acting' to him without him hanging up the phone on you - it is him that is at fault not you! You are doing your best to save a relationship and he should do the same, if not more. At the very least he should be a man and listen to his partner.

ALL the best! Paul
Posted 7/23/2012 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone, reading your posts makes me stronger. Paul, I know exactly how I would feel about it if I saw it from a friends perspective. I would tell them to let it go, he has hurt me a lot. I became this controlling spouse but I feel it's because of all his actions. He spends money on things we don't need or when he is out of town he wastes several hundreds of dollars on alcohol. We are/were trying to buy a house but we were never going to get there. He doesn't pay his student loans because he says we can't afford them but we have more than enough. Today I found myself begging him to take me back, to forgive me. I just want the pain to stop, the anxiety to leave. All I can think about is all those dreams we had. I didn't finish my college education so I depend on him.. He said we'd talk about it tomorrow. I know I am just feeding his ego. If we didn't have a child this would be so much easier. I never wanted a split home for my son. I am in so much pain
Posted 7/23/2012 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
anxsanity,

I have been right where you are on more than one occasion and I understand the pain as well as the burden of putting the blame all on myself.  A relationship ends and you just cannot let go. In your mind you keep replaying every detail of the relationship, from the happy beginnings to the bitter end, trying to figure out what you did wrong. This blaming-yourself way of thinking is usually unnecessary and can lead to prolonged state of depression after the relationship has dissolved.

It is important to remember that how long a relationship lasts or how good a relationship is it is  dependent on the fit of the two people in the relationship. However, due to society's glorification of relationships, people often feel that the loss of a relationship reflects their inherent worth, which is a major distortion. This was me over and over !  I was heavy into the “ It must be my fault” thinking.

Remember that every relationship takes two people to make it work. I know it's pretty unimaginable right now, but one day weeks or months from now, you'll wake up and not hurt quite as much. The trick is to not pick open your old wounds in your head and let yourself let him go.

My email is open if you feel you want to contact me.

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 8/2/2012 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
Just a quick update. He came home on Tuesday and after a discussion he packed up and left. During the night I felt very sick and since we have a one year old I called him to come back and watch him while I went to the doctor. He came with his luggage. I left for the hospital. When I can home about two hours later we discussed for a bit then he left to do errands. He left for five hours . I sent our son to my mother's so we could talk. We made love and I thought things were looking up he said he would stay a few more days. After we made love he asked me to bring our son back as he doesn't know whether he will leave the next day. I felt so used. We ordered food and watched friends with kids, if you haven't seen that it touches the subject of family and separation. I was crying a lot during the movie, he did too at a few parts. He said that maybe after separating we could get back together, he said anything could happen. Again giving me hope. This morning we woke up and he started talking about booking his flight to another province to visit his family. I got very anxious and I asked him if we could go, his family hasn't since our son in a year. He said no. He just wanted to go alone. I worry he has someone out there I feel that he does. I got very upset and told him he needed to leave immediately. For the whole two days I kept trying to find fixes for our relationship. I told him about counseling and even him staying and giving us time. Give us two weeks before he has to go to work. Anyway he left when I asked him to leave. He took his luggage, it hurts so much. I feel so empty, I cannot cry because it affects our son. I feel sick to my Stomach. I get theses panic attacks. I just feel like running away from theses feelings. He wrote me a text message after he left asking if our son was still crying. And then wrote I know you don't think what I'm doing is right, but I need to do this for me. He is right. It is for him. He isn't thinking about us. I could use a few days off too. I put up with him sending nude pics to other women and messaging women flirting while I cared full time for our premature baby. He only blames me. It's not fair!

Post Edited (anxsanity) : 8/2/2012 12:59:19 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/3/2012 5:29 AM (GMT 0)
anxsanity,

I am sorry you are going through this. And I do know how hard this is for you. Honestly, it sounds to me that your husband is being very unfair to you, and if he has been sending pictures to other woman I would leave him. The reason I say this is because a year and a half ago I was in a relationship of three years. The guy I was with cheated on me at any given chance. There were always woman calling me up telling me what he was doing, and I never left him. I found e-mails he mailed to other woman and photos that he sent to them of his private part. He lied to me numerous times and I still stayed with him. I told him all the time to stop cheating on me, and I had proof that he did, but each time he manipulated me into believing him, as well as believing I was going insane and imagining it, and that everyone was lying to me but him.

My advice to you is to leave him before things get worse. It will be worse off for you if you continue to stay. I know this because of my own experience. Because I stayed with him, I have suffered greatly with anxiety, low-self esteem and low-self worth.

If you are anything like I was you are probably thinking that losing him will be the end of the world, but I PROMISE you that leaving him will be the best thing for you AND your son. Kids do and will see things and it will effect them as well, even if you think you are being discreet about it.

Anyone that does not stand beside you is NOT worth having around. I learned this the hard way. Because of my ex and his manipulative talk and actions, I have let myself believe that I am unhealthy (crazy, nuts), and I lack trust in anyone, even my family.

I also know that the hardest part of breaking it off with someone is the wait to heal, and sometimes it feels that you may never be healed. It has taken me over a year, almost 2 years to heal. Grant it I am still struggling but I am living once again.

You can do this, all you have to do is take that first step. I wish you the best.
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