Please help! I have had enough with anxiety and want it gone!

I am having a panic attack as I write this. So if it something doesn’t make sense, please let me know and I will clarify. It is very hard for me to explain my emotions and I do realize that I may sound like an idiot in this post, I just have a lot on my mind that I need to sort out.
I have had enough of anxiety. I am a college student in my 3rd year, I have been blessed with many things yet I still deal with anxiety everyday of my life. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have tried many different methods of getting rid of my anxiety and depression, but it never goes away and I don’t know how to cope with it anymore. I am very upset as I write this. I want help to get my life back. I cant stand moving from bad depression to severe anxiety to the point where I almost cant get out of bed in the morning and back to depression. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to stop.
As a child I had very bad OCD, where I would wash my hands to the point that they would bleed. I still have many OCD like thoughts (if this, then that will or will not happen). After those went away for the most part, depression and anxiety ruined high school for me. I was a football player and did many sports, but was not very social due to my fear of being made fun of (which I was and still do get made fun of to this day for various reasons). So I was very quiet and not very social. I was nice to everyone and not to many people have bad things to say about me, yet there were still those people that found ways to make fun of me or mock me to the point I almost graduated high school early.
There are millions of depressed and nervous thoughts that I deal with on a daily basis. Sometimes ill even get to the point of almost coming to tears in class, or cry as I drive between school and work. I don’t have one set issue that I worry about. There are tons of triggers and once one worry is taken care of or figured out its right on to the next. For example, I worry about school… not a big deal. From that I start worrying about my family, my job, did I offend someone with what I said, did I say the wrong thing to my girlfriend, did I lock my car doors… there is really too much to list. Another trigger is just hearing stuff people say. For example, if I hear somebody mention a girl cheating on a guy; I’ll worry will that happen to me? I have an amazing girlfriend who actually fell in love with me when I was going through major depression last year. I know I have nothing to worry about with the relationship, especially when it comes to trust, but I still worry about the relationship for no good reasons. I trust her, love her, and care about her and I know she feels the same way I do about our relationship. I’ve never loved anyone like I love her.
My family knows what I go through and I have kind of started to talk about it with my friends, but I don’t like to talk about this very much. I can talk to my girlfriend about it but I am scared that it will annoy her and eventually ruin our relationship because of how nervous I am. I have been talking to her about it more and more lately and she says she doesn’t mind and wants to help me through it… but she knows I feel weak when I tell her I’m nervous or we start talking about anxiety. She has assured me that it takes a lot of strength to talk about it, and she likes the fact that I can show emotions. I am not the jealous type, and it takes quite a bit to get me mad so not those types of emotions.
Another problem is that my confidence level on a 1 to 10 scale is probably in the negatives. I don’t know how or what it means to feel confident, yet people tell me all the time “Be confident and stop worrying about what other people think.” I honestly don’t know how to be confident. This had to be why people have made fun of and teased me. I just would like to be confident in myself and know what it feels like. That may help a great deal with anxiety and depression. I am really sick of feeling guilty all the time, saying sorry when it doesn’t need to be said, and feeling low self worth. How do i gain confidence and self worth? most importantly, how do I use it and show it?
I have tried everything in the book for anxiety and depression and do not know what else to try. I REFUSE to try any medicines. I have tried a bunch… all have had negative side affects making anxiety, depression, and mood much worse. And I am not willing to wait over a month to let a medicine that “might” help to start to kick in and then do nothing. I am in desperate for advice. I want my life back and I don’t wanna be nervous or depressed anymore. 20 years of this crap is long enough.
All this being said I WOULD NEVER harm myself or any other person. I could never put my family and friends through a suicide; and I don’t have it in me to hurt others. I’ve had 3 friends die too young and it is too tough to even talk about.
Even though my situation might not be ideal, there is still beauty in Life and all situations are temporary. God has blessed me with more than I deserve… and anxiety and depression are my cross I need to learn how to carry. Any advice is appreciated, and Its time to seek help and get my life back under my control.

Hey NAE. I think a lot of people will identify with you as anxiety and depression are often (not always) things that can follow you over a long period of time. I know it has for me.

I'm happy to hear that your g/f took it as a sign of strength (which it is) to talk about your anxiety. You also mentioned talking to family - have they been supportive? Taking into confidence friends (like you did) that you trust can also add to your support.. I have found that keeping things a secret like nothing is happening can greatly increase anxiety. It takes a LOT of energy to keep up that front!!!! I'm sure many of us could earn Oscars on here. :)

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I would try to connect with a counselor and if you're not interested in meds, see what you can get out of talking therapy as well as other techniques. Getting to the bottom of things and learning of their origin can help to put things into perspective.

Wishing you well and hoping that you're feeling better than when you wrote. Nice to meet you.

TroubleFree

The common issue in OCD, anxiety, and depression is that your mind is having thoughts you don't want it to have. If the mind can do something we don't want it to do, it is evidence that the mind must be something different than the person it is attached to. There is more to you than your mind. The mind is similar to a computer that is very good at what it does, which is to analyze, calculate, recognize patterns and distill complex ideas into small parts. That's how we learn, get good grades, find work, etc. So the mind has a purpose. The mind uses these patterns, habits, pictures, and ideas to understand and conceptualize the world around us. This is a good tool to have. The problem arises once people come to rely very heavily on the mind. It is considered normal to do so, and we all fall into the trap eventually. At this point, the mind takes over the human being, in a sense. It starts steering the ship, so to speak. But since life is more than mental information, the mind will not and cannot help you with the deeper, precious things in life, such as peace. The beauty of a sunset or playing with a puppy, for example, are things that no amount of computation can help with. Life is too big for the mind, and pain is too real and too alive to be solved like a puzzle. The good news is you are not your mind.

Therapies, drugs, and various other systems all can be very helpful (i have tried many over the years) but a long-term solution is required for true peace and happiness. There is a reason these things don't work in the long term: they assume that we are the same thing as the mind, and so they give you skills, tricks, and tactics for engaging the mind to defeat it. But the mind cannot be conquered this way. Maybe you recognize this and maybe that's why you are not interested in the drugs, or why they did not work for you. Many people use distractions, addictions or other short-term solutions to get away from the mind. But in the end, something needs to be permanently changed. But what? We know that it doesn't work to fight the mind directly (or no one would be on this forum), and the reason is because any direct attack on the mind uses the mind itself to make the attack. Any thought you use to overcome the mind is still a thought in the mind, and so even when you win, the mind wins a little bit more.

Distractions may work for a little while until something comes along that is too big to hide from. During distraction, you put your attention on something, and that can be strangely soothing. It soothes because when you are distracted, your focus is on the distraction. That is a clue. What is focus? Is focus something the mind does? Or is it something that you, the person beneath your mind, does? If you experiment with focus you will see that you can focus on your mind itself and your thoughts. So the mind does things we don't want it to do, and focus is not part of the mind because focus belongs to you, the living being underneath the mind. So what does that mean?

When people are suffering from anxiety, OCD, depression, they have no focus. They are "lost" or entangled in the thoughts of the mind, like quicksand. Have you ever "woken up" from a panic attack and said "whew, glad that's over"? That was the moment in which you regained focus, attention, consciousness. The reason this works is that the mind cannot keep you trapped as long as you are watching everything it does. As you watch it, you start to realize that it is not you, and this separation brings space, peace, happiness. Try it. Remember not to fight any thought you find: don't criticize, judge, condemn, or tell yourself you should or shouldn't, or kick yourself for any idea. Just watch, and make it your goal to watch. See what happens. If a person practices this long enough, they get back in touch with "who they are". Then, even if the mind starts screaming out different fears and obsessions, you can sit back and watch calmly. In the light of that calmness, the agitating thoughts disappear. This takes practice.

God bless you,
Dan

In any given moment, even the fact that you recognize that you are deeply entangled in your thoughts is a great start. It means that focus has already begun. This awareness, that you are overtaken by the mind, has the potential to begin to bring your attention onto your mind, and the solution is already beginning to happen. This may come as a thought like "Oops, I am lost in my mind." You can use those moments as a signal. Try taking a seat somewhere comfortable. Sit, and then bring your attention onto your mind simply by asking "What am I thinking and feeling right now?" Many different things might arise into view. Choose the thought or feeling that seems the strongest and look at it. You can do this by asking questions about it: "What is this thought?" "How long have I been thinking it?" "What caused me to start thinking it?"

You become like a curious investigator who is looking to get to the bottom of something. The act of observing widens the gap of space between you and your mind, and you become much less entangled. Once you have asked a few basic fact-finding questions about the thought, simply observe it. You might find that it immediately ceases to exist. This is because it is impossible to continue the agitation in that "entangled" way once your attention is on your mind. You become like a policeman with a flashlight. Wherever you shine that flashlight, which represents your conscious awareness, the thoughts will subside. They cannot exist in the presence of your attention.

Sometimes the only thing you can see is a thought that says something like, "I'm trying to focus on my mind but I am very entangled and I can't seem to see". If that happens, then simply focus on that thought itself. If you are so entangled that all you can see is anxiety, then simply focus on the thought that says "I'm anxious and I'm trying to focus" until you have a little space to observe more closely. Eventually, you will make the connection, it will "click", you will start to see, and you will begin to recognize again that you are not your mind.

Ask yourself, "What does the thought feel like?" "How long have I been thinking it?" Even this will begin to create that separation which is a space and a peace. You start to see that the anxiety is not you. Anxiety is a particularly tricky thought to watch, because we are strongly conditioned to immediately start running away from it. Ironically, it is the act of running away that actually causes all of the suffering, agitation, and cloudiness in the mind. Often when you begin to say something like, "Ok, I see anxiety in the mind," you may have another thought that pops up and says something like "Run!!" If that happens, slide your attention over onto the new thought. Just watch it. Observe the mind generating all of these habitual responses, without fighting them or telling yourself that you are stupid or shouldn't be having the thoughts. No shoulds and no condemnation.

I like to sit somewhere comfortable in order to practice awareness. For a while, this will be much harder to do while you are in the company of other people or other distracting things. Another tip would be to look at a tree or a flower or anything in nature. If you make it your goal to observe your thoughts, you will find that it is much easier to pay attention to them than it used to be in the past, when your goal was to fight them or run from them. Try it and see what happens.

May you find peace,
Dan

When you have a thought that is pointless or stupid (and you are right, so many of them are) remember not to criticize yourself for thinking it. It is not actually you who is doing the thinking, it is your mind. So condemning yourself or telling yourself you shouldn't think something is misguided. Condemnation is one of the roles of the mind, one that is best not to encourage. You are the Watcher, your mind is the Thinker.

We may worry at first that it is silly or unhelpful to make that distinction. For me, I was cautious initially about this because I wondered if it is what insane people do. The truth is that insanity is actually a far different type of detachment. You do not have to worry about this. In clinical insanity, a person is running so hard from their mind that they separate from it through sheer avoidance. This is not a healthy separation because the mind becomes like a wild animal, free to be completely agitated, since no one is watching it. Awareness is actually the opposite of insanity due to the fact that when you are aware, you are looking directly at the mind instead of running from it. When separation is done this way, the mind has no choice but to be quiet and still under the light of your conscious focus.

You may find eventually that you can just sit and smile at the silliness or stupidity of a thought, without calling it good or bad, and just seeing it for what it is: another passing motion of an overactive mind. Once you have such a strong focus like that, peace and stillness is not far away.

God be with you,
Dan