Posted 10/4/2012 4:27 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,
Well, I've been lurking for 4 or 5 months and decided to say hi finally :) I have been encouraged and comforted by many posts and their responses and wanted to say Thanks everyone for being so supportive and open.
I have to say this this post is kind of a novel, so don't feel obligated to read the whole thing :) It just feels good to get things off my chest.
I have always been fiercely independent, I've ridden freight trains, hitchhiked across the country, lived out of a tent & a van and a car for years. So, it came as a HUGE shock to become totally incapacitated by Anxiety. Man, panic and anxiety AIN"T NO JOKE!!! I feel some guilt as well for never understanding what people and friends with anxiety problems were really dealing with... I guess you just don't know until you know.
Compared to others here dealing with anxiety, I am probably quite the newbie. My experience with panic came on very suddenly this past april when I had heat exhaustion. After not recovering very quickly I started thinking something was wrong and began to panic about it. (this had never happened before) So after an ER trip where I was treated for severe dehydration I decided Caffeine was the problem and I quit cold turkey...BAD IDEA! I was a very heavy coffee drinker and within 2 days had the worst withdrawal symptoms imaginable. But silly me didn't realize I was having withdrawals. Fever, shakes, collapsing, hot/cold flashes, burning skin, migraine, nausea, vomiting...etc. After 2 doctor visits and the ER again (they gave me lorazepam) I realized I was having withdrawals. I started re incorporating small amounts of caffeine back and felt much better, but was still edgy all the time and very exhausted!
about this time, my mother came to visit and then I took a turn for the worse. I work from home, but stopped working, then I stopped driving because of panic, and could hardly get out of bed. Severe symptoms all the time (too many to list) I got in to see a new doctor and she said it appeared to be thyroid and started testing. Another week later more tests. Low side of normal, so then she told me I had an adrenal tumor or carcinoid syndrome. We took some more tests (inconclusive) and she said we needed some specialized testing but in the meantime I needed to prepare myself for a diagnosis of carcinoid syndrome which with the severity of my symptoms had a terminal status and 1 to 2 years to live. Well...$#@%.
It took several more tests, visits with endocrinologist (severe panic attacks in public) and 2 1/2 months total to get the diagnosis that all the Docs were WRONG and I was just suffering from severe anxiety! Are you freakin kidding me?!?! Needless to say, all this DID NOT help with my anxiety level.
Fast forward (2 months of Therapy, failed attempts at medication and lots of denial) to Me, right now. I've been mostly house bound except for therapy once a week and a walk around the block with my partner (he's been very supportive) or my mom. I panic riding in the car, going for walks, going to the store, etc... But I had a break through the other day. I realized that I don't like me and haven't liked me for awhile, and blaming my problems on my partner, or the docs, or my mom is denying responsibility. I'm where I'm at because of choices in my life and I choose to work at getting better, Every day.
~So on that note, I walked ALL BY MYSELF to my landlords house and paid rent today!!!!! ~
I did make a bit of a fool of myself, telling him and his wife ALL about anxiety... Geez, I just could not shut up, and I was sweating so bad and I just know I was bright red. They were looking at me kind of funny too . But I did it, which as absurd as it may be, is my reality right now and something to be VERY proud of.
If you made it through this, WOW, I congratulate you and Thank you for taking the time to read my Epic post. I'm not sure how long it will take me to recover, but I'm gonna keep trying my butt off every day! I send so much Love and well wishes to everyone dealing with this disease and prayers for Today to be a Great day!