Trying to cope

I'm new to this forum, and hate for my first post to be one in which I'm seeking help, rather than offering my own help, but I'm in a pretty bad place right now and am really in need of some support.

I've suffered from anxiety issues from very early on in my childhood, but was officially diagnosed with GAD (and Bipolar Type II-Rapid Cycling) about 7 years ago. After a lot of trial and error, I'm on a good medication regimen for my bipolar, and because I responded poorly to a lot of the daily anxiety medications, I have an Rx I only take on an as-needed basis when I feel an anxiety attack coming on and am unable to talk myself down otherwise. I'm not currently seeing a therapist because I am uninsured and can't afford to pay out of pocket, but I have worked with people in the past and have identified certain stressors that trigger my anxiety and mania and I try to avoid them or at least be prepared for them. I find that yoga and meditation are usually helpful tools for me.

That's all just to give context to my current situation. I graduated from law school in May and took the bar exam in July. For those of you who had the good sense not to go to law school, the bar exam is pretty much the worst testing experience anyone ever conceived of. Six hours of testing per day, for 3 days, a total of 200 multiple choice questions and 13 essays, for which you spend 10 weeks studying an average of 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, memorizing such absurd hypothetical situations as: If Bobby takes out mortgages on his property, Blackacre, with Banks A, B, and C and defaults on them all and then dies without a will, how much does Bobby Jr., his son and sole heir, owe in taxes on the property? Useful stuff.

No matter how bad law school was (bad), or even the process of preparing for and taking the bar (BAD), NOTHING I've ever experienced has compared to the anxiety I'm currently drowning in waiting for my exam results to be released. Failing on its own would suck, just having to retake that horrific test. But I just spent the last 3 years working my ass off to secure an offer for my dream job in a very competitive program- literally the reason I went to law school. And if I fail the test, my offer is revoked, as are my chances of being able to pursue the sole avenue of law that I've dedicated myself to. I have about 2 weeks to go (they won't even give us a firm date, just "mid October") and I haven't slept through the night in at least two weeks already. Most of the time I can't fall asleep for hours, and when I do, I wake up 2-3 times a night with nightmares about failing the exam. As a result, I'm going through the daytime hours half-zombie and half hyper agitated, on edge, and paranoid. I've been having mild visual and aural hallucinations (mostly thinking I see something moving that isn't or hearing an indistinct noise no one else hears). I keep breaking out in hives, like once or twice a week. I've also resumed pulling out some of my hair and picking at my skin, things I haven't done since before I got my anxiety issues diagnosed and somewhat under control. I find that I'm even doing it in my sleep. I'm also feeling the frequent urge to burst into tears spontaneously at increasingly inappropriate times during the day. I actually can't even get through a yoga workout without ending up either in tears or breaking out in hives.

Frankly, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 2 or so weeks. The prospect of failing this exam literally paralyzes me with fear. My anxiety meds, which I've been going through like candy, barely take the edge off. I wake up in the middle of the night after vivid dreams of not finding my name on the results list to see blood on my sheets/pillowcase from picking at my skin. I don't even recognize myself like this. I know this is a stressful time for all my friends who are waiting for results, but I feel like this whole experience is just like on steroids for me with my underlying issues. I really just needed to get this all off my chest, but I would be eternally grateful for any suggestions anyone has of things that the have found helpful for reducing extreme anxiety. At this point, I would try just about anything... Thanks for listening.

Thanks for the reply. It feels good to talk about this with someone who isn't writing me off as being overdramatic or assuming I'm intentionally working myself up. I'm feeling a little bit less frantic than I was last night; when I stay focused on the specific task I'm doing at the moment, my stress level is more manageable, but when I let my mind drift to the larger universe of things on my mind, I still feel myself getting agitated.

I took some Nyquil last night to finally knock myself out. It's not something I generally like to do, but I definitely think a lack of sleep is only going to make matters worse. For two weeks, I guess I can live with a little extra chemical dependence. I also usually try to burn some lavender incense when I'm trying to gear down for bed, in an effort to get my brain to associate the smell with falling asleep.

I think a lot of my fear surrounding these exam results has to do with being worried I'll be left behind if I don't pass. My boyfriend and most of my closest friends took the test at the same time I did, as well as my future colleagues (I know most of my future co-workers well already because we interned together at the place we'll be working). If I don't pass, I can take the test again and I can find another job...but I feel like in the meantime, I'll just sort of be left in the dust. There's a pretty sharp line between what you can do before and after you get your license in law practice, and the difference is significant. I spent a lot of my life putting on the facade of an 'insider' who is totally comfortable in the world in which I'm existing, but to be honest, law school and this job are the first places where that feeling has been more than skin deep. I guess what I'm really afraid of is losing the feeling of 'belonging' that has taken me such a long time to find.

There's also the reality that if I were to not pass, the initial moment of finding that out would be horrible. But it would only get worse as I systematically had to explain to every person in my life that I didn't pass and deal with all the questions about whether I'm going to take it again, what I'm going to do about my job, etc., etc. All I've really talk to anyone about over the last three years has been law school, since it's the only thing I've really had time for...so I think it's the only thing people associate with me (even people I know in a non-law school context), and therefore the first question they would ask would be whether I passed the bar. I know it's putting the cart before the horse to think about how I would manage those conversations before I even know if I need to have them, but I feel compelled to think about it because it makes me feel like I'm somehow exerting control over things...even though I know that's not true.

It's coming down to the final stretch of this horrible waiting period, but I'm definitely not out of the mental health woods yet. While my state doesn't tell you the exact date that results will be released when you take the exam, we're supposed to get an email from them about a week before the release date notifying us of the exact date and time results will be posted. Speculation (among other current, as well as past, exam takers) was that results would come out on the 12th. This made for a pretty brutal past Friday where I literally stared at my phone all day waiting for an email to confirm that the 12th was the date, but the email never came. So, now this added uncertainty has made coping even more difficult- Will results not be out until the 19th (they usually release them on a Friday)? Will I get an email sometime this week telling me it's the 12th after all? Will I just not get an email and have to resort to incessantly refreshing the bar examiners webpage? Who are these ******s who are obviously bent on torturing us all??

Today inadvertently became a very bad anxiety day for me. My mother met me for brunch (I think she wanted to distract me from thinking about the exam), which was lovely, but the fact that we were determinedly not discussing anything about the exam or even law was triggering all on its own. After she left, I tried to unwind by watching tv and then I started pulling out hair...and spent the next 6 straight hours continuing to pull out my hair [I'm embarrassed to admit that I pull out my body hair, which is why no one in my life is aware that I do this, but if you can't be honest with strangers on the internet, who can you be honest with, eh?] and picking at my skin to get at hairs I thought I could see under the skin, but which I was probably just imagining. I actually cancelled plans with my boyfriend to keep pulling- I told him I wasn't feeling well and that he shouldn't come over because I needed sleep/didn't want him to catch anything. He knows about my mental health issues, but not about the pulling and picking in particular, as I can explain the physical evidence away as being the result of shaving or waxing.

The only good thing about the pulling was that it kept my mind occupied because I honestly didn't think about the exam at all for hours because I was so focused on my little "project." Frankly, I only stopped when I did because my roommate unexpectedly came home for the first time in weeks (she usually stays at her boyfriend's) and nearly caught me. Now, I'm starting to feel some of the usual physical feelings of anxiety (rapid heart rate and adrenaline release). I'm actually feeling about as anxious over how I'm going to handle this next week (or possibly two) as I am over the actual results. I've been taking Klonopin every night to sleep, but I can't function well enough on it to take it during the day. I don't know what to do.

Hey fleur. I can imagine the type of anxiety you're going through. Law school and graduation, test prep, and the actual test are all very competitive; and I would bet anything that a lot of other people are sweating as well - even those that aced it! You sound very smart and well prepared for this test (as well prepared as anyone can get!) and I agree with Scaredy Cat's responses. Props to SC! :)

I would recommend trying to keep busy. Take a walk or ride a bike, play an instrument (if you do so/or learn something simple), clean around the house, read a book (NOT about law!! :), play a sport, knit, cook something, paint ), etc... I find with myself, keeping busy goes a looooong way. It's not the end of the world whether you passed or not (and I think there's a good chance you did). JFK jr failed 3 times before he finally passed. Try and be good to yourself, torturing yourself like you are isn't going to change the outcome or when it's delivered. I know, easier said than done.

Hang in there. You have a good mind and sometime in the future this will be a memory. You have more options than you think.

TroubleFree

I woke up this morning after having a(nother) nightmare about failing. I didn't take my Klonopin last night because my boyfriend stayed over and I feel like my meds kind of freak him out and I couldn't really find a time to take it discretely. Then, I got an email this afternoon (in the middle of work) from the bar examiners- my results are officially coming out Friday "after 4 PM." 2 minutes later, I got an email from my future employer to all the new hires, addressed to us as being new attorney "hopefuls," wishing us luck with our results and going over some administrative details (we're scheduled to start work in about a month). I have really conflicting feelings. On one hand, I'm feeling some relief at actually knowing when I'll know, if that makes sense. On the other hand, between my nightmare and the way my employer's email was worded, I'm even more worried about failing than ever. I want to fall asleep as soon as possible and rush through tomorrow and Friday day so the results will just be OUT and I want time to come to a screeching halt all at the same time.

I should mention that I have a wedding to attend Friday, which starts at 4:30. It's for a friend from high school and I'm traveling there with 3 friends and planning to stay overnight after the reception. I'm really worried about what I'll do if I don't pass and I find out while I'm already on my way or at the wedding. I've been trying to force myself to think positively about the results because I don't want to resort to my destructive behaviors like I want to when I think about the possibility of negative results. But that means I haven't come up with a contingency plan on how to handle the moment if I find out I don't pass. Anyone have any suggestions?

Hey Fleur. I'm glad that you'll be getting the news in just a couple of hours; just wish the timing was better. You have to be ready for both outcomes. IF you didn't pass it is not the end of the world; you have a good mind and you WILL pass the bar exam. You have a lot more options than you're giving yourself. What would you say to a friend that's going through the level of anxiety that you've been going through over all this? I think you would be much kinder to this person than you have been to yourself. Try to treat yourself as you would a good friend.

Hoping you enjoy your friend's wedding today; and let us know how you're doing when you get a chance.

TroubleFree

fleur,

Congratulations, Felicidades, Grattis, Félicitations, 恭喜/恭喜你  and on and on I could go -  you must be dancing on the ceiling.  !

 

   *•.¸ (*•.¸♥¸.•* )¸.•* Congrats to You!!
♥«´¨`• 2 0 1 2 •´¨`»♥ YOU DID IT!!!
¸.•*(¸.•*´♥`*•.¸)`*•, * * * * * * * *

 

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Congratulations Fleur!!!! :) I'm the same way with feeling good about accomplishments, but experiencing some residual anxiety from the experience as well. Ya passed.. so just try to chill out now. :) I'm glad you got those messages from the attorneys you'll be working with.. that's very good.

How was the wedding? I'm sure getting your test results helped to get you into a more celebratory mood. Looking into CBT or whatever else will help you with future anxiety is a good idea.

Congrats again

Troublefree