So Insulted!

Hi everbody, I have a situation to get your take on if you don't mind...

Today my husband was talking to my sister and I walked into the conversation already in progress.  They were talking about socializing and having people over to one's house for dinner, ect.

It was at that point that my husband said I did not like to have people over because of my anxiety.

This is soooo not true...and part of an extended argument that we have often.  You see, he will ask me say, on a Thursday, if we should have some friends over on Friday/Saturday.  I usually say no, I can't get the house cleaned, shop and cook all in a rush and expect to enjoy myself!  I wouldn't mind if we asked say a week or two in advance...that is more polite as a host anyway...but he never does, it's always a last minute thing.

I ask if we can meet up with the friends for dinner/drinks...to which he replies, no...that's not the same...he wants them to come over to our house 

So he accuses me of not being social...when in fact, I just would like to go out...not have extra work to do. (and btw, suggesting that he do the prep would not be good...we would be having something not yum and the house would not be very clean, and I would feel embarrassed.)

I work, have kids and volunteer in several things...I just don't have the time and energy for everything.

It really hurt my feelings and made me mad that he would say that I am not social and that I avoid things because of my anxiety...which I really don't.

Am I being too sensitive here?  Any thoughts/feedback?

Thanks all,

S.C.

SC...my husband will be outside getting the mail, see a neighbor in their yard and invite them in for coffee.  We recently met a group of people (I didn't even know four of them) at a buffet for dinner and as we were leaving the restaurant, he invited ALL of them to our house for a beer.  It throws me into such a panic...as often as I tell him I need TIME to pick up before guests come...he just doesn't get it.  He thinks I am overly sensitive about the condition of our house...Good Heavens.  If it's a mess, who do they think is responsible...not him!

He came up from his office one day last week...so happy and smiling...three of his friends from Canada that he hadn't seen in five years were on their way for a three day visit.  I about killed myself changing sheets etc.  One of them got sick on route and they never showed up...

He is very gregarious and loves company.  I think that is because he works at home and doesn't get to socialize in a work setting like many of his peers.  I get that...he used to teach at the college level in a classroom and now does it on-line.  He needs the  personal interaction.

I also 'get' how you feel.  My husband uses the old 'my wife has fibromyagia and can't walk very well' excuse.  Whatever.  I guess both of us should get a cleaning lady????

Donna

Hey there SC. No, you're not being too sensitive. A few thoughts run through my mind: first, I believe that many men are more oblivious to the 'order' of the house than we are. My husband doesn't see a pile of newspapers as a 'problem' if we were to have guests. He does think we should have certain food/drink on hand 'just in case' though, something I didn't think of. I think it's hard to have a stocked refrigerator or pantry for a 'just in case' situation because sometimes a lot of that gets old or out of date. Hard to agree with him on this. Second, have him do more in the house. When I was working full-time, I asked him to do a lot more than now because I'm retired and he's not, but back then whether it was food shopping, getting rid of clutter, picking up the kids, etc. I calmly explained to him I could not do all this. I say 'calmly' because I used to get so mad I'd end up yelling and that didn't accomplish anything.

If I were you, as someone else suggested, wait till you're both relaxed and have a heart to heart conversation about how you both think you can work together on having company on a particular night and how it would work if it came up spontaneously - the burden should not be on you alone. Suggest a night on the next weekend now and plan to ask some friends/family over. I think by planning it together, he'll understand better about what it takes.

If he's making spontaneous invitations, he seems to be a friendly guy and he likes to open his home and entertain them and this is a good thing since he's at home, with you and the kids, rather than going out somewhere without you. So, I guess I'd try to work with him and get him involved in the planning and preparation so the work isn't always on your shoulders.

Hi S.C,

I totally agree with you on this one! I also agree with the others that he probably didn't mean to insult you or hurt you feelings... Some people just don't think things through all the time. If you are anything like me then you are probably upset on more than one level, One that he said that when it's not true and Two, that he doesn't seem to notice how hard you are working, and Three that now his sister has that info and anyone else he/she tells it too.
I get very upset when I hear anyone I know talking to someone else about my "progress" or anxiety.

That being said, my partner Always uses me as an excuse when he doesn't want to do something and the first time I talked to him about it he said

"that's one of the bonuses of being in a relationship, you can say no when you don't want to do something and say it's cause of your partner or that you both have plans, and you shouldn't be mad about it, you should just use me as an excuse more often so we can be even"

At first I was pretty pissed about it, but then I took him up on his advice and we worked out what was an acceptable "partner excuse". i.e headache, alone time, tired from work etc... But there is definitely no mention of anxiety or pms or anything else that's too personal.

Maybe, like others have said, just a gentle conversation where you tell him your feelings and plan some things for the future where you can have time to prepare and look forward to the company.

And if all else fails...you can always get 2 puppies!

I'd actually say going out for dinner or drinks is more socialble than staying in, at home, where it's a safe controlled enviroment!
Rather than you been over sensitive i think it's him! If he didn't know you had anxiety issues he would presume your actual answer and reason why you don't want to have people over is the correct one! :)

you know, we're all in this game of life together. we all know what our homes look like most of the time. unless a Better Homes And Garden film crew is coming, prepare the best you can and enjoy the guests.