I have been a very happy person for years. Mom of 3, wife. Loved life. Last December I had my first panic attack..out of the blue over coffee. I ended up in the ER by ambulance thinking I was bleeding inside (when actually I was numb from hyperventilating) That is the day it all began. I was crippled by fear and everytime I felt this...rushed to the ER. I ended up in there so much they didn't take me serious. I started going to the er in another town. Over and over again, in fear that I was dying of something unseen. I never wanted meds...just reassurance for one more day. The dr I was seeing then decided it was time for meds. I was anxious and scared, and was sooo distant from my husband and kids. Everyday was bad. I laid in bed and cried and stopped interacting with everyone. I tried Prozac for a month, it made me very literally sick. Geodon, gave me panic attacks. Buspar numbed me and made me sleep. Paxil zombified me. Then...Celexa came. I started 20 mgs and started to feel like me again but the anxiety was still there, just not as bad. My panic attacks stopped but the anxiety lingered. Life started moving forward again. I was still convinced I was dying, but it didn't give me attacks when I thought about
it. I was still very habitual about
going to the emergency room to have tests run. Each time I was just physcially sick from the anxiety. Now months later....I had missed a couple of doses of my Celexa and changed the times from day to night 3x's. My levels must have dropped because I was minding my own and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming fear of violence that I was going to hurt my baby or myself. I went into full blown panic. I immediately called my doctor and went in. I never told them what I was feeling in fear of them calling an outside source, that I was a danger or something. She upped my dosage to 30/40mgs...whichever I could tolerate, which seems to be the 30. I have been on my new dose for a week now...and I am feeling just great! I feel normal again, smiling, and cleaning house. Got more done this week than in months! I know I'm not fully leveled off yet on my new dose, because I still have some lingering anxiety of health problems (ie heart attacks) and the fear that I am losing touch with reality and hating life. I no longer feel violent per say, but I definitely feel like I'm not enjoying being a Mom and that feeling of "is this all my life is?" Although in reality, I love my family and life. I am indeed stressed by finances and boredom, but that is never an out to have such harsh feelings towards life I know. I just have overwhelming fears.....that I am going to snap into a psychotic episode on my antidepressant (because of the episode I had out of the blue a couple of weeks ago) but I know in reality I am in full control...or am I? I know it's a matter of changing the way I think...but I miss who I WAS. I want to actually care what my children do in school. I want to hug them and feel like I mean it. I want to hold my baby and not fear he has a crazy Mommy. I miss having no worry...and I wonder where the love went for my family and I just hate all the selfish anxiety I am having. I am sorry this is so very long, but this is my first time to actually tell outsiders how I have been feeling. Just carried away
