High anxiety and depression

I am not sure if this is anxiety, depression or both.

I have been thru a lot the past several years at my job. I have been
at my job 6 yrs. the first several yrs. were great. It seemed I could do no wrong. My bosses were great to me. Things started to turn late 2010. I am the only employee. I manage an apartment complex. It started after I made an offer to take care of my bosses mother in order for a place to stay when I stayed in town. My work is about 25 min. away. At first all went well. Then things started downhill. I am not sure if it was me or if they had their own problems and I just happened to be the one they took things out on. As time went by they became more and more demanding and critical of me. When I was at their house all they wanted to do was discuss work. Then it got to the point I could not do anything right. I also have ADD. My office is always a mess which is a sore spot with them.

I will stick pretty much to the last 3 months. Mid Oct. I had surgery for rotator cuff on my left shoulder. I put it off until Oct. as my best friend offered to stay with me since she retired end of Sept. I was off 1 week then went back part time for 2 weeks, then back full time. Then 1 week before Thanksgiving, I got to work, went to my apt for something am coming back down the last set of stairs I missed one and fell. I ended up breaking my left ankle and now have a plate and 7 screws. Was in the hospital 4 days. I had to use a wheelchair because I could not put weight on my left arm yet. My bosses were not very supportive. He wanted me to come back after a couple of weeks. Fortunately we did have someone to fill in for me. One of my bosses told me when I said I had to be released from the dr first, that the drs did not have any say as to when I came back to work. Then he did not want to pay me. We do not have work comp nor do I have disability. They did pay me since I agreed to work from my dads house where I am staying since I am not ok'd to do stairs yet. They are not happy about this. When ever I talk to either of them, ESP. her, they are not pleasant to me. One day my friend and I stopped by to drop something off at their house. My friend went in and my boss said something about getting a professional management co. I don't know anything other than that. I have felt for some time my job was in jepordy. The first several yrs I was told I had job security.

I go back to work on the 26th. I know I need to get my office organized and our maintenance guy said he was going to help me do that. I have been told by both bosses I have to get my office organized and I do agree on that part.

The first several yrs. I was relaxed and things went much smoother but now I am nervous and uptight which leads to more mistakes.

One problem is that I am friends with her to a point so it is a mixture of personal/professional. Don't want to lose my job. I now plan to put more space between work and home life. I just do not think that is going to make a difference.

This whole thing is eating me up inside. When I talk to her mom on the phone, she keeps asking when she is going to see me. She is 99 and is aware of things going on around her. We have grown very attached to each other. I can't no do I want to walk away from her.

I don't know if I lost my job or found another one how it would affect things. Part of me says not to worry because if I lost my job, they would never be able to find anyone to stay. And if they are looking at going with a pro. mngmnt group they probably won't let me go since the group might have their own people. I have to find a way to make this work. I just do not know how. The stress is about to kill me. For my own sake, I have to make this work. I know I can if given a chance. It is just not knowing if they are going to give me a chance. I have asked her in an email about the management grp and she will not reply. How do I let go and relax?

Thanks for listening to me.

I am sorry to hear that you have suffered so much. There are many resources on different relaxation techniques, just remember that you might have to try a couple until you find one that fits you. Also, they are difficult to "get to work" the first time. It is hard to relax after you have been keyed up for so long.

Anxiety and depression are really good friends. They hang out a lot together and look a lot alike. Honestly, I sometimes struggle with which one I am currently experiencing. I had a doctor once describe it to me (excuse the minor vulgarity) as depression feels like the whole world is going to hell in a hand-basket and there is nothing you can do about it, anxiety feels like the whole world is going to hell in a hand-basket and you feel like there should be something you can do about it.

Just remember, even if it is a long "episode", things always change. There is always hope and a chance for thing to change. Do your best not to focus of the "What ifs" but more on what you have. If you can't help but focus on the "What if"s, at least ask yourself honestly and objectively how likely they are, and then think about how you would cope. One of the best things I have learned in life is that half of the battle is realizing I can cope, even when things go terribly wrong. And sometimes they do. But we survive.

You have a lot of support and a community here for you. Keep posting. Give insight through your experience to others who need it, and try to look at the warmth of the world.