Hi everyone.
I am new to this forum, and I would really like some input. I've just found out this week that I likely have GAD (after at least 7 years of assuming it was all in my mind and I could control how I felt). My doctor is still ruling out other causes of my anxiety (thryoid issues, major vitamin defieciences and hormones imbalanced).
My issue is that my anxiety has effectively destroyed my relationship. I've had many angry outbursts that I blamed on him in the past, for past problems with family, and due to my fears of abondonment. All this time (about
2.5 years) I thought if I'm angry, I must need a darn good reason to be angry, and so I excused it as such, truly thinking I was angry with reason. Our relationship did have many issues, we actually broke up last summer, and got back together in the fall. I made a promise to him at the time that I was not angry with him, I loved him and that I wouldn't freak out at him and fly off the handle for no reason (assuming it was all in my control and because I didn't want to lose him). I started counselling for anger management and to learn coping strategies to deal with my anger and not let it boil over at him. He had been very understanding and for weeks at a time, everything would be wonderful, but then .. it would happen, out of nowhere, I would get upset over nothing, panic and then get very angry. I would think back and say ok, well I must have been upset because of this or that, and he would buy into it, we would resolve it and move on. I thought counselling was great, I very much resolved any feelings of hurt from the past, so why was I still freak out?
What I failed to see or understand was that all this anger wasn't anger at him per se, or anyone. After an episode this past sunday, which can only be described as insanity (in which I yelled, got physical, cried on the floor, felt like the world was ending and I couldn't breath or see straight), I went to my doctor who helped me assess how I feel and GAD was concluded (pending some blood results). She assessed that likely I'm on such edge all the time, and so keyed up and anxious that I panic and turn to anger because I have no idea wha'ts happening to me or how to get out (I should mention turning to anger only happens once in a while, a lot of times, I turtle and shake/cry). All this time I thought my endless worrying, heart racing, replaying situations over and over, being a nervous wreck about
going to unknown places, talking in front of people, checking and rechecking things, headaches, irritability, not being able to conentrate or sleep, being afraid of my own shadow and scaring sooo easily, were just quirks and that some people are like this. NEVER did I link the anger to these quirks as I thought.
Of course I know now this is all mangeable, and that I don't have to feel this way, and that I can stop trying soo hard to figure out why I am angry, but sadly it's too late for him and I. He broke up with me Sunday and although he agreed to get together and speak this weekend, he told me his feelings have changed and that he doesn't care to wait until I resolve this. I'm understanding, yet devastated because he has treated me like I should have known better and like I intentionally lashed out at him and does not wish to believe another excuse (as he calls it).
I have said sorry many times, as I recognize the toll this must have taken on him, but I really feel like I deserve some understanding. I was always trying to get help, just in all the wrong places it seems. :(