Cathy,Hi, this is Kitt. I know exactly what you are going through and I have a hubby that has a very hard time dealing with my mental health dx and last August I was dx with colon cancer, surgery, chemo the whole 9 yards. My hubby hates change as well as he cannot handle the emotional downs that come with anxiety/ depression and now cancer.
He will say to me if I am upset and fear going out the door of our house - "You have to get over this shi$$ as I cannot handle it."
For the past 7 months he has been doing all the driving to chemo and the many appointments that go along with it - If he forgets (which happens often) that I have an appointment he will get all bent out of joint because he really doesn't want to go to the clinic. Other then the day they would start up my chemo he always waited in the car reading his magazine.
I chose to have my chemo locally as the hubby hates to drive into the cities on the freeways etc and asking him to do that would only cause more stress with the fallout being on me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 my hubby is pretty much a 10 but when he topples and can't handle things he is a 2 at best.
Do not worry about falling apart when you talk to the clinic - it happens to me all the time. I had 10 rounds of chemo. The weeks of my chemo ( every other week) I spent 5 days (Monday through Friday) at the clinic and never did I make it to an appointment for the chemo itself without sitting in the waiting room with tears rolling down my cheeks. I would try so hard to feel good that chemo was available to help me but then my emotions took over and all I could feel was sad that I was going through this battle with cancer.
The one thing I did right from the start was to build my medical care team with my PCP at the center. I have a Pdoc and I can call her office and talk to her nurse anytime I need to. I always made sure I had several appointments scheduled with her and I kept them.
Also on my team is an awesome GI DR. whom I adore and a surgeon that is great. The oncologist comes down here from the cities and after our first office visit I was assigned to see the NP working with him - I felt abandoned before I even got started.
I think I had 4 scheduled appointment with the onocolgist himself over the 7 month period. The one morning I was scheduled to see him I had arranged for a friend to drive me but I woke up to a nasty snow storm so I called into the clinic bad roads. The Dr. talked to me on the phone. Could I have made it to that appointment - you bet I could have as my hubby helps out our daughter most mornings and he drives a 4 X 4 jeep so I could have called him at work to take me but the dread of what kind of scene we would have to go through kicked up my anxiety so I thought to heck with it.
When he came home at noon time and asked how the appointment went I just told him the roads were bad and my apppointment was cancelled but I did not admit it was my anxiety that triggered the cancellation.
Anxiety is a nasty feeling and I hate how it makes me feel afraid and keeps me held captive some times but I will never let it take over my life completely and neither will you. Tommorow you will make it to your appointment.
Cathy, I am 67, with a 35 year history of depression and anxiety and I am not beautiful on the outside but I am Ok. However I do feel like I am beautiful on the inside because I care about others and in the real world that is what counts - how you care about others and are willing to share the good and the not so good with people. Coming here and opening your heart and soul to us was a very brave thing to do.
Keep on talking with us.
Gentle Hugs,
Kitt