First Post - Anxiety and Shame

Hi everyone. I'm really glad I found this community. More and more, I'm feeling really alone in dealing with my anxiety, and I hope this place makes me feel better, and that I can hopefully help other people in some way too.

I'm 27 and I've been dealing with severe anxiety and depression since around 11-12. I've been to several doctors, tried over 10 different medications, and was hospitalized 3 times. Lately, I feel like I've been doing better for the most part--last year I completed my degree, I have a full-time job (albeit a crummy one that has nothing to do with what I went to school for), I'm in a fairly stable relationship, and I pay my bills regularly, get groceries, keep my house [mostly] clean, etc. In other words, I'm more or less functional, which is a lot better than I've been at some periods of my life.

But I still feel absolutely crippled by shame and low self-esteem. I know that anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of...but at the same time, I still feel horribly, horribly ashamed. I feel like at this point it's my fault -- I would be better by now if I was just smarter, or less lazy, or I tried harder. I feel like I've screwed up my life and that there's no way out of the messes I've made. I avoid seeing my friends and family because I feel like my life is made up almost entirely of coping with my anxiety, and I know that no one wants to hear about it anymore. There's only so much that even the best friend can take of me whining about the same irrational thoughts and worries over and over again. People like other people who are happy, who are positive. Even though the people in my life continue to be supportive, I just feel like I can't do it to them anymore -- like I have to be strong by myself, find ways to cope silently, like I have to figure this out and solve it NOW. But I don't know how to pretend to be happy and positive and keep it inside when most days, every hour is a challenge. And I don't know how to recover when every day what I think will help and what I want changes drastically with my moods.

I guess what I'm asking is do you feel shame about your anxiety too, and how do you cope with it? I feel like I am responsible for what I feel and for my recovery. I don't know how to reconcile that with the fact that after all these years, I'm not "better" and I still screw up all the time.

Hi Scaredy Cat,

I guess part of the reason that I feel like my anxiety is my fault is the treatment that I have had doesn't seem to help. I've been on quite a few different SSRIs and after a few months, they all seem to stop working. I've been in therapy before, but my appointments were always something like once a month, and they always seemed more like checkups than anything else (don't know if this is because of lack of mental health resources in my area or what). I think part of the trouble is that my moods are so up and down -- to the point that every few days it's like I'm a different person. Today I'm very upset -- crying, immobilized, had to stay home from work, etc. But usually when my doctor sees me I'm "fine" and that leads to them thinking that I'm really not all that bad. Doctors ALWAYS tell me that I don't seem that bad. And then I end up in the hospital.

My boyfriend thinks my problem is that I can't seem to stick to anything. I try medications for a month or two, and when my anxiety gets bad I stop or switch to another one. I will see the doctor for a few months, then stop because I feel like it isn't helping. I find going to the doctor or to therapists very upsetting, because they never seem to have any ideas that are helpful -- just one more pill, just a "too bad, just try again for another month" type of thing. At this point I'm almost frightened to take more pills, because I know they can change your brain chemistry long-term and I am scared of the way they change me, and scared of the way they make me hopeful for a little while and then completely despairing when they stop working.

Since I've been diagnosed with so many things and no treatment I've tried has worked so far, and doctors don't seem to think I have much of a problem, I do worry that it is all in my head. That I am "normal" and just especially lazy and whiny and weak. I know this is a terrible attitude, but I just don't know what else to think and what else to do but just keep trying on my own.

I feel the same way sometimes myself a little ashamed, but don't. Its not my fault the same as its not yours. Try to get better, and hang in there.
Ed

Thanks Ed and SC. It does help a lot just to be able to tell people, and know that they are listening and they care.

I had a pretty rough night, and ended up going to the ER and talking to the psychiatrist on call. I will try what he prescribed me and stick it out for the 8-12 weeks. And tomorrow when my boyfriend is gone to work and I know the anxiety will get bad again, I'll try the Mood Gym. I know I need to stick to things for a while to see if they work. Hopefully I can keep things up.

Sorry about the trip to the ER.:( I hope that you are feeling better now, and maybe some good can come of it in that your new Rx may be just the thing that starts to help!

Keep talking with us! If you feel alone or scared when your b.f. is at work, you can always come here to post and/or chat.

Hugs and encouragement going out your way.

S.C.

imagr8cna, the doctor put me on Seroquel. I took one last night and just felt physically really groggy, like I was walking through jello. It didn't seem to do much for my anxiety, but I will try it again today if I get really upset (I am supposed to take it as needed).

Evelyn, I didn't realize there was a difference between therapy and counseling. I think I would really benefit from a counselor. The person I was seeing before was a psychiatric nurse, and maybe that's why I felt like she was monitoring my status more than actually being sympathetic and caring. I think if I can, I will try to get into a group session of some kind, so that I can be around other people who are going through the same thing, and will likely be sympathetic and encouraging.