Getting worse instead of better...

Hiya,
I'm a newby on here, but I can relate to every word you have just said. With everything I've been through I have been at the point, as recently as a month ago, as you are now. I was also being seen by the crisis team- who are psychotherapists that come and see you every day if you don't have that term where you are. S I had an hour with them, plus all the advice I was trying to follow, still nothing worked. I was basically waking thinking oh god no- not another day to get through. I spent the day trapped inside my living hell of a brain, trying to find a sense of hope & believe what everyone was saying- it will get better, you won't feel like this forever etc.... But I didn't believe them. I'd then take my meds to knock me asleep by 6pm latest and the whole awful day was repeated again & again....
But- the way I got out of the spiral for now, which I thought I'd share in case it can help you. Is I realised- I mean truly in my heart realised, that what I'm fighting is my own brain! All the external stuff- counsellors, therapy, meds etc can help- ultimately though it was me against me! Lol. So I decided enough is enough. So when a negative thought came in- I just said, no- get out- you're trying to keep me in the black hole and I'm climbing out! You won't beat me! When I started on my - there is no point living, il never be happy- I said that's not true- it's impossible for you to know that for sure- so you're gonna give it a chance- right back at ya brain! Lol. So I played negative thought/positive thought tennis until thankfully the positives did start to win out. The meds worked better and I needed less Valium, I was able to find room to allow the positivity that others had been trying to give me, in. Then it became an upward spiral! That's within the last month. So there really is hope! There are things to make there be a point to life, your brain is not allowing you to see it. You've gotta take on yourself- which is no mean feat!
I won't say I'm fully better, of course not. But I'm determined not to go back to that black hole!! I'd say there are days I teeter on the edge again, but I use my coping strategies and of course tell my brain you won't win- I will (which of course is weird cos they're both me! Lol) but you know what I mean.
I've done 3 days no Valium, I've no idea if I can make it 4, but I'm gonna try. I can already feel anxiety rising this morn in anticipation of a difficult discussion I know il need to have later with my brother. But I've taken two tramadol which are much safer than the Valium and I'm going to try & keep strong. It is true that it just needs a little chink to be broken in that overwhelming negativity, you get a foot hold, climb, and it's amazing how quickly the positivity spreads then because you start allowing all sorts of helpful things in then.
Sorry it's been a long reply! I do go on a bit lol.
Hope I've given you a sense of how you really can find hope and a point to living and be in a better place when for days, weeks on end you've been we'll and truly at the bottom of that black hole.
Take care I hope you can find a sense of hope
Louby x

Well I wrote you a pulitzer winner and it disappeared.

Be Girl, You have always been a fighter and always against the odds, like me you fought all your wars looking up. Well girl this is the first even steven fight you have ever had, so don't hold your breath and stomp your feet, use all that frustration and give your subconscious a good cussing. You pick the battlefield, You decide just how much you are willing to allow this lying, thieving, intruder into your space. You are going up against a very primitive sub-brain that doesn't have the sense to lay down and die, so you either kill or cripple it, it has only one weapon "Fear". (If you decide you are no longer afraid to die this sucker is powerless) Every one here Loves You, yea me too, and I want you to Love You, Make the rules and make it live by them! "You are to smart to continue allowing this nothing booger man to scare you".
You are filled with the Spirit and Light of our Savior and in this light there is no fear! Peace!

Larry ***

I echo Joshua comments...Joshua, I have seen many of your post and I don't know if it's helping others but every time I see you comment, your comments are spot on for how I got to where I am in recovery which is...things are very manageable these days...I have anxiety but it certainly doesn't dominate me by no means and doesn't stop me from doing what I want to do....kudos.

Also, Kitt, I'll look for that book. Thanks for the recommendation, I'm a bit bookish. :) You also reminded me - my pdoc told me to find and read a book on existentialism and read it and I haven't yet. Maybe some books will help. :)

I hope you start to feel better soon, too, Rissa! You're right - we definitely understand how hard it is. Hugs to you!

Sorry to hear that you've been feeling low too, Jojanxiety!

"We're fighters! We will not give up on this! We have to stay strong for each other! We must beat anxiety together! We have to endure and show others the way to recovery!"

You're right about that stuff. Rally caps on, shoulder to shoulder, let's beat this crap! ;)

Larry -

You're just the nicest person. There's something so comforting about you and the way you respond to everything. Thank you for being here for all of us in such a big way.

I hope you had a great father's day. I bet you're the greatest father and grandfather.

Much love!