I've been lost...

I'm sorry I haven't checked in with you guys. I feel so very, very loved that y'all were concerned about me, but hope I didn't cause anyone stress!

This is just a little update on me... it'll be melodramatic and I'm sorry for that.

I've felt lost. Really, really lost and like there's no way back. It's a constant battle between crushing depression and overwhelming anxiety/panic. I feel like I'm having a complete psychiatric breakdown and like I'm putting at risk everything my husband and I have worked toward in our lives and I can't figure out how to stop myself. And honestly, at this point, there's nothing I want, but I don't want to take him down with me.

I'm sorry worried about losing my job and putting this huge burden on him. We're within 1 1/2 years of being debt free, and I'm falling apart during the freaking home stretch.

I've been to the doctor about twice a week for a little while now (on her orders) and I've learned something - yes, there's a point where you can say too much and they get your spouse involved. I'm doing everything doc and hubby tell me to do, but I don't think they know how to fix me any more than I do. It's 6 weeks until I can see a psychiatrist who practices as an actual psychiatrist. I'm just trying to hang on until then but I have very little hope about that.

I just cry and cry (I'm bawling now) when I'm not struggling to breathe properly and obsessing over every little detail.

I'm at a point where people are sending me flowers (I've got two arrangements right now) and calling my husband to check on me instead of calling me. I think that puts me pretty high on the "crazy" bar.

I hope that when I can get over some of these infections and the physically sick feeling, I can do better with some of the other stuff.

And I MISS you guys, but I'm more depressed than anxious and so I don't know if it's okay to come here to talk about depression. Of course, I am anxious about the depression.

I just feel lost. :(

Dear God kid this is where you belong, some of us are like that
now, and many of us have been, then there is nut's like me sometimes i'm fighting a war that my own country didn't want to win. or I'm feeling like its post second coming and I'm in the
new heaven and earth. One thing about us, we sure as hell ain't
dull. "Here you are really and truly Loved, here you belong, here
no one wants anything but you". Please don't ever go away!
You do need to read your e-mail. Clark Kent may have been super man but Lois Lane was and Angel! Peace
Larry ***

BeRock

I am so glad to see you have posted and shared your feelings with us.  You can talk about anxiety and depression here as I have a dx of both and I always post here now as once I used to post in both forums but it felt like I was doubling posting as the problems were the same.

I truly am very concerned about you and I feel it may be time for that hospital visit to get you away from all of the stress as well as giving the Drs. a chance to work with you daily and perhaps tweak your meds. I don't remember your meds off hand but if  serotonin and/or norepinephrine are the answer for you, Remeron will pull you out of the deepest, blackest depression like no other medication will. My Dr. has held back on this as the life saver for me if I should ever need it.

I am on Effexor XR 300mg, started out on 75mg and due to my depression issues getting out of hand re my battle with cancer I was just recently upped to the 300mg dose and it is working.  But of course what works for me may not work for you.  Keep the faith my wonderful friend.  And you deserve flowers.

I swear to you I was in your place in October of 2005 and I let it go until I could not function and I knee jerked and took early retirement in February of 2006.  I was having a major depressive episode and in order to save myself I had to put me first, my big paycheck be darned and the bills would somehow get paid even if I could only make minimum payments.

I sold my sporty red car in January knowing that I would need cash from somewhere and I was to young for Medicare............my hubby had already retired 5 years before.  I felt angry at him as I had been the main support for 5 years and he had been a stay at home hubby.  In reality he retired due to health issues and he needed to but I still felt overwhelmed and I crashed.

Put yourself first and talk with your Dr. about what is the very best thing for you.

I was in such a bad place when I crashed that thoughts of using my short-term disability never crossed my mind and nobody in HR at work mentioned it either.

I had paid in for my disability insurance for 26 years............I felt let down and angry for a long time after I retired as I had planned to work for at least 2 more years.

Be your own best advocate but do remember any work benefits that you may have and use them.

Love and hugs - it will get better even though right now it feels hopeless.

 

Kitt

 

Lots of hugs to you BeRock! Maybe Kitt is right. ): how you start feeling better soon we all missed you