Anxiety over regretting the decisions I've made

When I look back on my life over the past few years, I regret the decisions i've made and how it has been. I will be 21 in a couple of weeks, and even though I know that isn't very old, I feel like i've lost so many years of my life being sad and unhappy all of the time- not having friends, feeling like I don't know who I am, and I feel like I have no personality or reason for anyone to like me. It makes me feel so lost because I don't really know who I am or where to begin anymore. I'm not living life to the fullest at all.
I've realized that I can't get back the years that I wasted, and that all I can really do now is move forward in life and try to make it better, yet at the same time it's harder now because nothing makes me happy at all, and I constantly feel negative and like everything isjust unpleasant, and afraid about a lot of things. Because I have a constant "foggy" feeling (I think it's derealization) I feel like I can't really experience life, because I feel disconnected from everything and everyone most of the time, emotionally and physically. It feels like i'm here, but i'm not at the same time.

Something that I really regret in my life is allowing myself to feel so limited when I was healthier than I am now, especially when it comes to friendships. I don't have a difficult time relating to people when it comes to emotions and experiences (depending on what they are) but when I was a teenager, I didn't know how I "fit in". As I got older I realized that I don't have to have everything in common with my friends or other people I choose to have in my life, but because I thought I needed to have everything in common with everyone I chose to be around, I avoided a lot of social situations and people who I thought I couldn't be friends with because we had differences, whether it be life goals or sometimes personality or interests, and I regret this. I feel like a hypocrite now because I always had high expectations of other people, yet I am so imperfect and have had so many issues over the years, that I see how wrong it was to judge people. I've had a lot of experiences in my life where i've felt very judged, especially over the past couple of years, and it's made me realize how important it is to give people a chance and being non-judgemental. I have searched on facebook for people who were either friends or aquaintances before I became seriously depressed/anxious, and I see how many friends some of them have and how happy they are and now i'm more envious of them now in some ways, because they seem to have better lives than I do (i'm thinking of deleting my facebook because this has become a problem for me over the past few months and it's kind of weird).

I am fortunate to, for the most part, have more opportunities in life now than I did before, now at least, which could help me become successful in life, but to be honest, between having these opportunities and having good people in my life, if I had to choose, I'd give up these opportunities. I feel like i've spent my life prioritizing the wrong things, thinking that somehow just getting a degree or proving other people wrong can fill a void that I have in my life, a void that exists because I don't have friends or meaningful experiences. I really want to let this go so that I can move on and make new friends (I haven't had any friends in over 5 years), but I find it hard to let go of the fact that I either avoided people years ago or didn't make the effort to make new friends, and i'm even in school right now and having a difficult time taking to people because I feel so miserable, so I feel like I seem like I am anti-social.

The thing that scares me the most now is that I am so used to not having good people in
my life, that it isn't something I think about as much anymore. I don't miss not being around people because i'm
so used to being alone, and it makes me sad and shocked at the same time, especially because, so much of the time, I feel numb or I don't know how I feel exactly, I think every good thing I think is a lie, and I feel so distant
from other people, and I don't want to feel that way. I feel really confused all of the time now- about who I am,
what I should do about my life, and why I feel the way that I do, and i'm really scared that living the way I have
for so many years has cost me happiness for the rest of my life, or has turned me into a bad person somehow.
I feel like I feel nothing and everything at the same time, and like my thoughts are racing yet i'm not thinking
at the same time.

I feel like i've missed out on life so much, and sometimes I wonder if it is possible to make it better. I regret
making myself feel limited for so many years to the point where my problems have made it impossible for me to live
a normal life or feel alright, and having not had a social life for years or any kind of life and now being almost 21 makes me especially worried. The worst part is that I care but I don't at the same time- i'm so used to just accepting that things aren't going good, that even when good things happen, it makes no difference. I don't know what to think anymore or how to feel. I've missed out on so many life experiences, and i'm afraid now that I will never have the chance to live the life I always wanted to live. I've missed out on positive life experiences, friendships, relationships- everything pretty much, and now my life is completely empty. I know that i'm not that old and so I still have time to make things better, but so much of the time I feel like life can never be good. I have to start my life from nothing pretty much, but I just don't have the energy or motivation to. I spent so much of my time trying to figure out who I am that I missed out on years of my life. I really want to figure out what my problem is, but i've been waiting to see a psychiatrist for a month now and have had no call yet. I have anxiety and depression, though. I would appreciate any advice.

Hi A,

Sorry to hear you are dealing with so much. The only thing I really have to say is that I fully agree with SC. Definitely keep looking for a Dr and maybe a therapist as well. I know I have personally benefited from talking to a therapist. I haven't gone through any of the self help section here but I most definitely plan on it!!

You are absolutely among friends here! Sending positive vibes your way

Hi. Thank you S.C for the list of resources.

In some way I know that I have time to turn things around and live a better life, but at the same time i'm depressed because I look back on my life over the past few years and i've done nothing at all with it- there aren't any good memories, it's just empty. I really need to talk to a professional about this, though. I've been waiting for them to call, both for counseling and to see a psychiatrist, but I am probubly going to call them this week to ask why it's taking so long.

Hi Lynn13, thanks for the advice.

Hi lgm1942. Thanks for sharing your story. That is remarkable how you were able to deal with change after so long. It did help me realize that changing my life is still possible, even though I haven't had much of a life in years.