Just cant do this anymore

I give up.I cant live like this anymore.I have suffered anxiety attacks since I can remember, my whole life. Always use to come in waves, sometimes go on for months and then suddenly disappear, just to come back taking a new shape every time but I have always been able to ride it through, just this time is different and for the first time I have lost the will to keep going.
This is not a life worth living anymore, anxiety has taken over 24/7, I'm crying all the time, I'm afraid of even waking up because I know what a hell of a day is waiting for me. I give up.
I am a 33 year old woman, been married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful kids, and on everyone's eyes I have a good life.
When I'm in my good times I'm funny, easygoing I'm that girl that every body likes. If just one person could see inside my head they will be shocked at the mess that is inside.
My husband do not believe in mental illnesses so for him I'm just crazy, no empathy, nothing. Not even a it's gonna be ok when I'm in middle of a panic attack.
I have been having this anxiety obsessions like forever, in the last ten to fifteen years have changed from earthquakes( i live in japan after all), illnesses ( every known cancer, ALS, well you name it, I thought I have it and I was dying of it), my kids having autism, even progeria. All have been getting under control until the big japan disaster hit.All my fears turned to reality, I really believe that we all was going to die that day, there were nowhere to scape, i was going to watch my kids die, it was horrible.
But time passed , things return to normal, yet another breast cancer scare, fears of radiation contamination, just feeding my kids had became a huge ordeal from selecting veggies from not contaminated areas to don't let them play out, it was taking a toll on me alredy.
And then I have another baby, and here is where all my fears began climbing to a new high. I was obssesed about my baby well being, but i have a perfect baby boy. But in my head he is sick, he is dying And i cant help him. I have take him to every doctor available, un this 10 month he has been sick only once with a cold. But i look for lumps all over him everyday, every time i cant hold him without feeling lumps in his body, of course after all that checking i actually found two little swelling nodes, i've take him to 3 hospitals alredy And all i got is a don't worry is nothing. Now I believe he has lymphoma and that he is gonna die soon. So instead of enjoying his first crawling, or the first steps I'm just holding him crying begging him please don't die. The it hits me that he is until now perfectly healthy, but the "if" factor is killing me. I'm mourning every day, even thinking about the funeral of my very healthy and alive baby. For me it feels very real, I'm convinced that he is diying and that I can not bare. I'm taking some Xanax for the attacks but is getting worst everytime. I don't want to live like this, nobody deserves that kind of pain, I just want it to be over, to my life to be over now because from all the scares and fears that I had until now in my life, this is the one that trump me over, I just can't hold the idea if loosing my baby.
I went online looking for help, just writing all this down makes
Me have some perspective, but it's getting harder day by day

I had to stop at the I give up part&trust me I know your pain,Ive been dealing with anxiety off&on for 14years now¬hing fun at all about them but one thing Ive learn is that everyday given another chance says God isn't through working. And even when you may not feel like it God says you can see you where chosen for this fight,because you have what it take to win the fact you didn't give up a long time ago(when others did) says you love a challenge so don't give up now you can do this keep pushing&know better is coming. Trust it&see it even when it may not look like it right now,know sooner then later it will all turn around for your good. Hold on&live through it!

Larry and Soundhealing, thank you for your kind words and for give me hope. Yes please pray for me, I feel like if God have forgot about me sometimes, maybe is the other way around.
I have never hit this low before, Is just too much to bare.My poor kids are also taking the toll of a broken mom. Thanks again

Sounds like you've been through a lot and that's is no doubt contributing to your attacks. I don't know the actual fear of losing a child but believe me I have had those thoughts.

I have a memory of one day me and my kids walked to McDonald's because I had no car for a week. Well my boys wanted to ride their bikes and I had the baby in the stroller. I live next to a very busy main road. It was a no brainier though, we didn't need to cross streets. But it was dark on our way back. My boys almost ran me over a few times so they were behind me. All if a sudden they start to fight and my middle son was getting backed into the road. A semi truck was in the lane next to us coming at full speed. In a flash I saw my son get smashed. I ran to him and held him and yelled at my other son for doing what he did. Thankfully nothing happened. It was my mind. But eventhough nothing happened I still see that image sometimes. So when he goes outside that's what I think.

I too feared my last baby was going to die too. I rushed him to the ER many times his first year. His temperature didnt feel right to me so I always thought he had a fever. His breathing didnt seem right to me so I thought he'd stop breathing. It was horrible having those thoughts and fears all the time. Now he's a 3 yr old handful.

I wish you well. I wish you peace. I'm sure your baby is fine. He needs you. It's going to be a struggle with anxiety. But eventhough you have no support at home you can always come here.

((Hugs))

Hang in there until next week. The Xanax you have left over is old and not as effective as new Xanax will be. We'll be here for you until then. You can do it and you will find more peace.

Sometimes we feel that way, but the world would be sad to lose you. Your children would be sad to lose you. So would many other people.

I already consider you a kindred soul, and I would be saddened if you were gone now.

Keep talking to us and make it to your appointment. They will help you!

Hugs!

Oh Sue, I feel your pain, believe me! I have 2 wonderful kids, and I have spent a great deal of time worrying about them!! It's in our nature as mom's to be protective, but when you suffer from anxiety disorder, we tend to take it a bit too far! Please know that you are no different than many people here on this board! We are all here to support you!! You will get through this!!! Remember, death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!! I too have thought about that, but I want to see my kids graduate, marry, and have kids of their own! There is alot of possibilities out there for you! Meds, councelling, whatever you need! You will survive yourself!! Peace, Lisa

Hi , today I woke up with the will to make it a worry free day, a 24 hour vacation, but after just one hour I had a full blown panic attack, what the hell is wrong with me! This intrusive thoughts are very overwhelming, i was just loading the washing machine and swear I could hear a voice telling me that my baby has cancer, I began speaking to myself saying no no no over and over again, just stop please stop. What is this, now I'm talking alone? Am I really loosing my mind?