Introducing myself.

Hi, all. My name is Jodie. I'm a 27-year-old veterinary technician who suffers from severe panic attacks. I have had them all my life in varying degrees of severity. They have gotten much, much worse within the past few months and I honestly feel as if I'm walking around in some cruel, shrouded pseudo-reality. I am CONSTANTLY experiencing a mild panic attack, or rather a consistent state of fear. This state escalates into a full-blown attack at least every other day, sometimes once or twice daily. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on October 8th, next Tuesday. It can't get here fast enough.

I'm reaching out to you all because what seems to help the most is having my symptoms confirmed as anxiety by reading or hearing someone else describe their own experiences with the same things. Here are a couple of stories that explain my panic and present state of mind.

about a month ago I had a severe attack that ended with fire trucks and ambulances rushing to my aide. I had hypoxicated myself by hyperventilating so much that my hands, feet and face clenched up and I thought I was having a seizure. It turns out that I just didn't have enough carbon dioxide. They put an ECG on me and my heart looked perfect. The paramedics assured me that it was only anxiety and helped me correct my breathing and sent me on my way when I could open and use my hands, lips and feet. Very scary. I really thought I was for sure dying that time.

A few weeks ago, one of my dad's dogs brutally killed his fiance's dog while I was pet sitting for them. I was working a 12-hour shift when it happened and, needless to say, completely freaked out when I got home at 4am and walked into the frightful scene. Blood everywhere, fur everywhere, dead dog on the floor. I was alone and no one answered their phones. My dad and fiancé were in Illinois gathering the last of her stuff to move down here to Texas. It sent me into a full-blown attack immediately - chest seized up, couldn't breathe, head felt like it had a balloon in it, hands and feet tingling. I ended up lifting her body with my bare hands about two hours after I discovered it (it took that long to calm down enough to even acknowledge what I needed to do). This fact has plagued me since it happened. As an emergency vet tech, I am quite knowledgeable about animals and diseases they may carry. Now, my dad's house has a doggie door big enough for a mastiff to get in and out of. It got into my head that a wild animal actually came in through the doggie door and killed our dog. This hypothetical wild animal had rabies. When I picked up Lola's body, I could have gotten some residual saliva from the wild animal (left over in her wounds) into a cut on my finger and contracted it. My mind will NOT let go of this imaginary situation. Every odd sensation I feel leads back to it. I've just been waiting to die. Googling didn't help at all (as usual), as it confirmed that it is possible to contract rabies in this manner. Nevermind that our other dog had previous dominance issues with Lola and all signs point to her being the culprit.

So, that's me. Every day I go from having a heart condition (despite the normal ECG reading those paramedics showed me), to having an impending brain aneurysm, to having a stroke, to a brain tumor, to lung cancer, to having rabies... Wash, rinse, repeat. I have to work 12+ hour shifts fighting these thoughts and sensations and trying to appear as if I have myself together. My head feels cloudy and heavy all the time, like a balloon is being blown up inside of it. I can't remember things, though I used to have a great memory. I feel like I'm losing it. I hope I didn't upset anyone with the graphic story about the dog or seem too long-winded for a first post. I really need support and community, I think, even though associating with other humans also causes anxiety for me. As well as medication.

Thanks so much for reading my long post. Sorry for the length. Any responses/insights are appreciated in advance. :)

Hi

A big welcome to the forum I am glad you have found this site as you will get a lot of support here from others who will be able to relate to what you are going through. We are like a family here so please keep posting and I look forward to getting to know you more.

Hibee

Thanks so much for your replies, everyone. It makes me feel a little better to know that there are others I can relate to. I've tried guided meditations and breathing/relaxation techniques, but unfortunately I think I've reached a point where they have absolutely no effect. It's like there's another entity in my head that doesn't want me to relax. It furthers my panic attacks with negative thoughts, telling me that even though I believe I'm having a panic attack I could actually be wrong, there could be something neurological going on, etc. I know logically that it's all part of the disease, but I'm sure you all know how hard it is to convince yourself of that in the midst of an attack. I'm hoping that once it's controlled a bit with medication I'll be able to employ some of these techniques and actually allow them to work for me. I'm so glad you've got all of these resources available - it must help so many people. :)

Ed - your veterinary office should not have laughed at you about that. Rabies is real and raccoons are one of the biggest carriers of it. If your dog is vaccinated, though, then the worry is much, much less. It's definitely much less than being struck by lightening or attacked by a shark, according to things I've read. It didn't stop me from panicking about it, though. And animals are my life-I'm not scared of them at all. It's just the stupid rabies virus. Hahaha. :) I have gotten most of my basic classes done in order to begin applying for vet school, though with my escalating panic disorder I don't believe it will ever happen. :/

I was also on the Zoloft/Xanax protocol a couple if years ago, but I started getting scared of the Zoloft and believing it was ruining my body. It stopped the frequent full-blown attacks but apparently didn't completely eradicate the anxiety. Plus the doctor that prescribed them made me feel like I was an imposition to her. I'm hoping a psychiatrist will have a little more insight as well as a better bedside manner about it. I'm sorry you don't have insurance. :( That must make it a bit more difficult.

SC - thank you! I'm sorry you went through a similar scare, but it validates the fact that I'm totally making this one up and makes me feel calmer about it.

Anyway, thanks so much for the warm welcomes. I'm looking forward to being part of this community and taking control of my life.

S.C. I hate bats they give me the creeps.

B.B.,

I am not such a fan now myself!!

S.C.

That is great progress!! Well done and congratulations for making it through that attack so well. After getting past that, you are now stronger than you have ever been.;)

I too imagine my HW family during tough times!

Talk to you soon,

S.C.