I let the anxieties win :(

Hi, I'm new here. I've been a worrier, a nervous type, ever since I can remember. It has seemingly gotten worse in the five years since my dad died suddenly (my mother passed away twenty years ago). I'd say most of my anxieties come from the fact that I now have a terrible fear of loss. I'm always worrying about my family, sometimes my friends and even my cat. My six year old daughter is who worry most about. I worry about big things and little things. What if she chokes on food when I'm not there? What if some crazy person shoots up her school? What if the furnace leaks CO and she/we die (when we in fact have a working CO detector, and so does her babysitter)? Doesn't matter, I still worry. What if I lose her in a mall? What if, what if, what if? On top of that I get edgy, nervous, anxious with just certain daily situations/noises like a neighbors dog barking or someone's car stereo blasting.

My anxiety reached peak levels this week. Months ago my sister sprung a surprise on me. She had arranged and paid for a trip for us to NYC. (We live in Illinois). We've never been to NYC, so it was an exciting thought, not to mention quite generous of her. I was excited but started having negative thoughts (surprise, surprise, sigh...). I started getting more and more fearful of the flight. I've flown on many occasions, though not for a few years. I never really used to be a fearful flier, not really until my child was born did it really start to freak me out. But I kept thinking "What if the plane goes down? My daughter will have to live with that for the rest of her life." So I plied myself with information on the safety of commercial flight. I work at an airport, for God's sake! I see dozens of jets take off and land every night. Yet I still couldn't shake the "What ifs?". Then I started thinking that maybe it's not the flight I should be worried about at all. Maybe it's the subways in New York, or a terrorist attack, or a simple accident. Again the thoughts...what if I can't return home to my daughter? I know she is in safe hands (she would be staying at home with her father/my boyfriend). Then I started to worry that something will possibly happen to one of them while I'm gone and I won't be able to get back home quickly or easily. It got to where the anxiety about the trip far outweighed the excitement. Yesterday it got so bad that I was crying and having a near panic attack, I think. My heart was racing, my mind was racing, my breathing was rapid and I felt extremely panicked and doomed. I did everything I could to calm myself. Later, my daughter asked me in the car "What kind of bad things can happen to kids?" That unsettled me a bit. A few minutes later she informed me that she is worried about my trip to NYC because she's afraid that I'll "get hurt". Now, I do a pretty good job of hiding my anxieties from her because I do not want her to become an anxious person. I don't want her to see or learn those behaviors from me. I have not breathed one word of my apprehension about the NYC trip to ANYONE. My possible panic attack yesterday took place in private, no one was there and daughter was at school. Maybe she senses my anxiety? I do not know. But her comments about what bad things can happen to kids and her worry that I will "get hurt" on my trip were all it took to tip the scales. I told my sister that I can't go. I freaking LIED and said I have the flu, although I did come somewhat clean about my anxieties. Luckily there is another friend going so my sister can still go even though I'm not going. I feel sick about all of this. My pre-trip anxiety has now been replaced by a heavy sadness since I officially canceled. Sadness that I let my anxieties control me, and also sadness that I'm going to miss what will probably be a very fun trip. I'm just disgusted with myself. The only possible good that will come from this is that it has alerted me to the seriousness of my anxieties and the fact that it's probably a full blown disorder that I have. I've decided that I must speak with my doctor about it and probably get a referral to a counselor or therapist of some sort.

I mean, what kind of person turns down a paid trip to NYC? I'm sickened by myself.

Hi, Teeves,
You'll get a lot of support and understanding here. A lot of know exactly how you feel! I could've went to England back in the 80's, (for free), but b/c of my phobias and anxiety disorder, i couldn't go. I haven't been out of town since 1988!
it sounds like to me that you have anticipatory anxiety. I have that too! No matter how much I think I want to do something and look forward to it, before it ever happens, I start getting anxious and it builds and builds until I convince myself that i really didn't want to do it anyhow! Then I don't do or go. I hope though that you will get some help from a professional b/c sometimes intrusive thoughts and such can be helped to some extent with medications. Without my meds, I would've possibly become agoraphobic (afraid to leave the house). You should look into it b/c you are worrying to an extreme degree. My main worry is losing my Mom and i have to fight it, that is, to not dwell on the possibility all the time! There are coping methods that you can learn (like CBT).
please keep posting. and as to your daughter, kids are very perceptive and you may be passing your fears on to her without realizing it. This should give you even more reason to seek help as soon as possible. The longer you postpone seeking help, the harder it will be. I speak from experience.
Wishing you the best!
jl

hi teeves,

I'm fairly new to posting @ healingwell and new to anxiety. my anxiety is hypochondria or health anxiety. I can kind of relate to you, but I want to share my story with you anyway. I just got promoted at work. I went from a salesman to store manager of 2 kiosks at a high volume mall in las vegas. my "what ifs" have been out the ying yang ever since - am I good enough? am I smart enough? what if I can't produce the numbers the owner wants? can I handle all the inventory? can I handle the employees? - my anxiety has given me physical symptoms which fuel my hypochondria. it's a vicious cycle. today is the day I hit my rock bottom, I thought I had a stroke and I'm only 30! I missed yet another day of work, racked up more medical bills, just to learn there is nothing wrong with me. I did cat scans, blood work, and neurological tests (motor, brain tumor). I can relate to you because you are saying "who passes up a trip to nyc?!" and I'm saying "who jeopardizes $60k/yr salary?"! anxiety is a real bear and coping is much easier said than done. I always seem to have symptoms - dizziness, light headed, arm hurts, tight chest, short of breath. I've gone to the er tons of times and there is nothing ever wrong with me. after today's visit, I've come to a harsh realization that I have full blown anxiety. I'm going to start seeing a therapist for cbt. I hope it works. I have anxiety about that and the pills I might have to take! lol. we just have to take one day at a time and pray for relaxation. something interesting - I left the hospital and started feeling dizzy and really off, then I remembered that I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink for almost 7 hours because I was in the er. as soon as I ate I felt better. sometimes, we have to take a step back and analyze why we feel the way do... again, much easier said than done. I hope cbt works for us both and we can move foward and enjoy this life ... because we only get one. I don't want to be on my death bed thinking how I spent the last 60 years of my life worrying. I have a post "Health Anxiety Please Help!" you can talk to me there if you ever want to. I don't know how this forum works or how we can talk privately or whatever, but maybe we can help each other get through this together. I know I'm a long way from cured, but I think step 1 is understanding and admitting that we have a problem. good luck to you!

Hi Teeves! You have certainly come to the right place if you're looking for a strong support system. Nobody here will treat you like you're stupid or attention-seeking or melodramatic, as so many who have never experienced anxiety tend to make us feel (even without really meaning to). I'm also new here. I have frequent, intense panic attacks that have been daily events for the past two to three months and off an on throughout the last ten years or so. I even, now that I know what they are, remember having them as a child. I would tell my parents that "my throat was constricting" and cry, but they had no idea what I was talking about.

I'm really sorry to hear that your anxieties have prevented you from taking a trip that you were looking forward to. I'm sure everyone here can think of several times in their lives when anxiety and panic have kept them from doing something they would have otherwise loved to do. Anxiety can be a truly debilitating disorder. I know that I, personally, feel as if I'm living in an ominous pseudo-world, watching my life pass me by while I hide from it. I totally understand the frustration of it all. I hope you're able to find a good doctor and therapist to help you get everything back on track. :) Nobody should live like this! I put it off for a long time because I also have a fear of drugs and medicine, but it got to the point where I simply couldn't get through a day without truly feeling as if I were dying at least once and the feeling of doom was constant. I don't mean to scare you with that, just to impart that the sooner you get help, the better. I should have gone a long time ago. I finally went to a psychiatrist this week and have started on some medications that will hopefully set everything straight.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here! Please keep posting and sharing your story. You never know what a big help it may be to someone else who is suffering from the same scary symptoms or thoughts. That's the awesome, healing thing about this place. There's no judgment and everyone can identify with what you're going through, at least to some degree. :) There is hope!

I made my appointment to see my doctor for a referral to a counselor or therapist or something. I see her Monday afternoon. For now, I'm weepy and depressed. My sister texted me to say they landed safely in New York. So I guess their fun begins while I settle in for a depressing weekend knowing how much fun I'm missing out on because I let my stupid anxieties control my decisions and actions. I've never let my anxieties control me to this extent and I'm just sickened over it.

I'm scared too that therapy and/or medication won't be helpful. I don't want to sound offensive by any means, but I've read through quite a few of the posts here and it seems like there are a fair amount of people who can't get a grip on their anxieties even though they are in treatment. Some of the things I've read say things like "I've been fighting this for most of my life, my therapist changed my meds, or increased the dosage, or I'm having a reallg bad time of it, etc". I'm scared when I read things like that. My anxieties are my own, I know. We all have different levels of it, different ways it might manifest itself, different doctors and treatment plans, different effects that the anxieties have on our lives. But I can't help but be scared that I might not succeed in my fight against this. I abhor the thought of this growing or getting worse. I need help, which chickening out on this fabulous trip has shown me. But what if the help just doesn't work? I think I'm just uninformed on this whole topic. I've just now realized that I must have an anxiety disorder, so the treatment plans, the medications, the success rate...it's all new to me. Which of course...increase my anxiety. *sigh*

Thank you S.C. It's so easy to think negatively right now because I'm feeling so low. It's been years since I felt this low.

I can so relate. I myself have worried relentlessly since the birth of my daughter. 12 years ago. It's so pathetic to me sometimes, that I worry about every little thing. It runs my life. I have either given myself Gerd, or I already had it, and worry about it more. I have dizziness, palpatations, weird experiences. I am seeing a neurologist and have MRI's scheduled next week, because we now think it's either MS, or Lyme. But I seem to be developing new stuff all the time. The most ridiculous thing to myself is, that sometimes I wonder if I haven't become a hypochondriac. I actually went to three, yes 3 different ER's in one night, because my chest hurt so bad, and I could feel it skipping, and getting dizzy and my shoulder and arm hurting, thinking I was having a heart attack. I convinced myself that they were all wrong. I had so many EKG's, ultrasounds on my heart, and my abdomen, stress echos' wearing the heart monitor, have seen a GI because I've gotten my stomach so messed up. All my blood work is normal, all the tests they have done are normal. So I am now going to the neurologist, because I swear it has to be something neurological. I do get numbness/tingling/skin crawling sensations. I seem to think everyone is wrong, and no matter what they say I feel my heart beat wrong, and I have to be having heart issues. I am terrified of bad storms, so whenever there is a storm, even 20 miles away, I am a panicked mess. I am on xanax, but I am telling you I am so tired of anxiety...ugghh I totally feel for you..wishing someone could make it all go away...FOR GOOD!!!

We will get thru this together.  It is good that you have taken the first step and made an appointment with your doctor.  It took me breaking down in tears and crying for two weeks solid and missing out on Christmas with my family before I realized I needed to get some help.  I'm trying to deal with a major (really a minor) issue and I feel like my weekend is already ruined as well.  I'll probably spend a lot of time here.  I'm with you on this journey.  People here are wonderful and non-judgmental.  The support is great.