The Cat is out of the bag

I had a couple of good days, and then I sink again, i was just giving a showe to the baby and I couldn't stop feeling lumps all over his body,now I don't know which one are real which ones are the result of my panic, and all the sudden all the anxiety I have been holding from my family for months just came out, I began to cry and yell and say to my husband and my father , the baby is gonna die, and I can't help him, he is gonna die please do something, as always they looked at me and say you are crazy he has nothing. Why they don't believe me!! They don't even check him. After so much begging my husband has agreed to take the baby to the doctor again in two days, we are on national holydays. I'm so scared

Thanks Janetlee, I m looking forward to my appointment next Thursday.
I just had a big fight with my husband, I was crowing and he said me that I'm crazy that the baby is fine that we have been to the doctor million times and is always nothing. Yes I hope so, I really hope that you are right, that he as nothing and that he is not gonna die. But I wish you can expend a minute in my head to see how I am paralyze in terror every time he smiles at me, thinking how I'm gonna remember that smile after he dies. Yes is that horrifying real for me, I want to be normal, I want to be that parent that wakes and their worry about nothing and enjoy every milestone , not this worthless bag of worries that cries everytime her baby smiles at her, my older kids are taking the toll too, so is not fun, is not calling for attention, i don't want to live like this because this is not a life. I know how difficult is gonna have to be to live with me, but if you just could understand the way I feel,

Suejp,

I am so proud of you for making the decision to seek the help that you need. (as per your comment in JL's post)

This is the best possible gift that you can give to yourself and your family.

Your children need a mother who is well. Your husband wants this for you  too...and you deserve to be free from this fear.

Go and seek your recovery will all that you have. You do have it in you to be well!

I believe in you, and that you can do this.

S.C.

Dear Sue,
It is very wonderful that you are going to see the doctor! Be sure that you tell him EVERYTHING about how you have been feeling and about your terrifying thoughts. The more information your doctor has, the more he will understand your problem and be able to help you. I know it is very hard for you right now, but I truly believe that in time, you will get better with a doctor's care!
Keep posting here and know that we all care about you! :)
janetlee

Dear all, you have no idea how much your words mean for me, it's true nobody outside our "circle" can understand in full what is to live with anxiety,I was mostly ashamed of the way I feel, I am going to have the baby checked and on Thursday I have my appointment at the "mental clinic", yep that's what they call it around here. The only good thing about this country is that public insurance covers almost all the meds. Today I was actually more than depress, angry. Angry at the life I could have if I don't let the anxiety take over everything. I was talking on the net to some good friends back in my country, they remember me as a happy, easygoing, risk taker person. I used to love traveling , now I am bounded because I can't even think of taking a plane without having a massive panic attack, I want my life back, I want to be a good fun mom, I wanna be me again. Thank you all for just listening to me, I feel so lonely in my anxious world, God Bless you all and gave us all some peace.