Mini Breakthrough

I started getting anxious about things that scare me about a month ago and over the past couple of weeks I have come pretty far which is great.  It's been about my girlfriend who lives about two hours away.  This past weekend she came home to visit and I was very excited to see her, but I was also scared of what if I become anxious around her.  The first couple nights I was fine, but then one night I became very anxious.  She is very supportive and talked to me and helped me through it that night.  I went home and went to bed and woke up the next morning very on edge.  My mom noticed this so she asked if everything was alright and I just broke down.  I just wanted the anxious feeling to go away.  I've felt fine, I've felt normal, yet for some reason I just cannot let it go.  She then asked me if I was afraid to lose my girlfriend and it was like somebody punched me in the gut and I started crying. 

I guess I had thought that was it, but to hear someone else say it was apparently what needed to happen for me to actually realize that may be the center of the storm.  Then I began to realize that everytime I start to feel comfortable around her, or start to think about the future, a negative thought pops in my head.  My last relationship was bad and the girl I was with was awful to me and I really did not think there was any spill over from that relationship, but I guess the former girlfriend really hurt me more than I thought.  Anyways I kind of started to realize that the negative thoughts came in as I was thinking about her (the current girlfriend).  Just to elaborate, I'll be happy and thinking of her or about something like spending the holidays with her and then something will come into my head like "you don't actually love her that much" or "you're being fake" and other things like that, but I know I do and I know I'm not and those thoughts scare me. 

It is comforting in away realizing this because I now feel like I know the root of the problem, however as my mind always does, when it starts to spiral out of control it asks myself if that's REALLY the problem and the anxieties I've been having aren't and that kind of scares me.  Though I think the way I reacted not once, but three times to the question "are you afraid to lose her" and how I feel around her when I just let everything go for a little bit shows what the true issue is. 

She's also a senior in college, I'm a year and a half out of college so I think subconsciously the age difference made me a little anxious too and of course who knows where she will end up for grad school and things like that so the future scares me a little too and even though I'm excited in a good way for it, maybe I think it's just easier to worry about something I kind of know is fake. 

Plus I think I've been worrying and anxious for the better part of a month now that I know that I'm kind of in that routine.  I'm just at that point where the anxious feelings feel like gnats and I over analyze everything.  I'm afraid to be myself again and I think I have to realize it's ok to be myself. 

I have that same problem! It's like I'm convinced the second I stop worrying, the second something bad will happen! It's ridiculous really.

We've trained our brains to think this way and the hard part is retraining your brain. Plus, I'm insanely stubborn which doesn't help the situation.

It's almost like we can't trust our own brain right now which is such a paradox.

Hang in there man. Although it's always in the back of my mind, I'm realizing I'm truly ready to at least start the battle. I keep telling myself it won't happen overnight. We didn't get like this overnight so it's silly to think it can be cured overnight ( even though being so impatient, I get so frustrated when I have set backs!)

Anyway, take care!

JK2027

Once we have had experiences where our trust was betrayed, it is emotionally difficult to trust; it is difficult to give up control. Anticipatory anxiety is my major anxiety. 

Think of the times you have trusted someone with your life, or with your well-being, or with your heart, and been betrayed. We learn, many of us, that we must never trust. . . that what we must do is take care of ourselves and never ever put ourselves in the hands of others.

And yet, all human relationships are about - to some extent - doing that. As tiny children, we are completely at the mercy of our parents, and those of us who didn’t have perfect experiences with our parents, naturally, have anxiety about trust.

Anticipatory anxiety results from seeking control where none exists.  You cannot control the world or your girlfriend, you can only control yourself. Believe in yourself.

Kindly,

Kitt

Gimmy,

I have to say that I never really considered myself as OCD, but looking back I definitely am. Her and I had been friends for a quite a while before we started dating and this was really the first time I had been friends with someone prior to dating them. Additionally, the relationship is relatively new so if I'm thinking rationally, I know that it is normal early relationship jitters. I think I create problems that are fears of mine, but that I can control so that I don't have to actually face problems I cannot control, but I get so upset with myself for thinking the way I do because I know that everything is ok and quite frankly anytime you think about fears (especially with OCD apparently you obsess about them until they spiral out of control), you get uncomfortable even if they are controllable.

Right now, because of the fact that I've been freaking out for a couple weeks it's like everything in my head is scrambled eggs. I have to basically sort out what is anxiety and what is normal relationship stuff. Definitely the relationship stuff caused the anxiety at first, but now that I'm starting to see the roots, it is easier to decipher.

She knows I have anxiety issues and she knows how much it physically and mentally strains me at times. I told her very early in our relationship when I started feeling anxious just to get it out on the table and it definitely did help. She is truly wonderful and supportive.

I appreciate your input!

The best of all worlds, "Marry your best Friend". Peace

Larry ***

Gimmy,

Honestly no problem at all. I actually really appreciate it. I saw you post in another one about the idea that OCD is just about being a germophobe and I think that's kind of what I thought too, but it makes a lot of sense and it sort of helped me realize again what is just fear/anxiety from reality.

Looking back, every major anxiety bout I have had has had the symptoms of being obsessive and compulsive. Probably the worst one I ever had I remember I had a great fear of death. I had heard that someone comitted suicide and to me that's something I have never been able to wrap my head around. But in a nutshell, my thought process went like this: "Why would someone do that? What causes someone to get to that point? What would cause me to get to that point? Wait, did you just think of doing that?" Taking a step back I realized, no of course not, but the fact that I even thought that upset me so much that I could not just let it go and move on. Had I just dropped it, I would have been fine, but I kept obsessing about "why" and "what if that" it began to consume me. It was just very odd and uncomfortable because I knew I would never do that, but why was I thinking it? And what scared me more was that I could not answer that question. When it started to go away, it still took me a while to fully let it go. I almost got a comfort in bringing it in my head intentionally just to reject it.

Anyways, every time I have had a bout with anxiety it has followed that same format.
1. For whatever reason, somethng triggers it
2.I have the initial thoughts, then I start to get worried as to why I am thinking what I'm thinking and fear that it might be true/reality/real
3. Then I get in the habit of avoiding things that I fear might trigger it again
4. Then when it starts to finally fade away a little, I can't fully let go and keep checking with myself because I fear that if I am not making sure, the fear will happen.
5. Then when I actually start to feel normal again, I get a weird feeling of "is it really okay to be feeling normal?" still finding myself not fully able to let go.
6. Then the thoughts kind of stop bothering me, but are still there and at times I get a anxious as to why they are still there.
7. Then of course there's the perennial fear of the anxious feelings coming back.

It just takes so freaking long for this to pass through. It's like something triggered this, why can't there be a reverse trigger to just turn it off?

Does anyone else feel like worrying and anxiety is almost like a drug? To be fair I have never really done any drugs so I guess I'm comparing it to being addicted to something. about a month ago it started and I was absolutely hooked and while yesterday for example I felt actually really great for the majority of the day, I still got kind of anxious at night because I feel like I didn't get my fix.

It's just like every time I know it takes time, but keep searching for a way to make it stop right away. Sorry for rambling and thanks for everyone's input.

Hi Jk and gimmy your stories have both really struck a chord with me ive alway questioned what I feel too esp with relationships and its made me guilty and anxious for years. I never thought of ocd either but I did have that as a child with extreme hand washing etc so maybe thats it. Im just coming off meds and going to try cbt so hope that helps good luck to you both xx

Hey JK. Seems you are one step ahead of me in this process. You know that the issue you are worried about is a "tiger in the city" -- ain't gonna happen -- but your mind sometimes slips back into "what if it does happen" land. The issue I am most anxious about -- the one that keeps me up at night and plagues me during the day -- actually might happen. And the consequences could be pretty bad. The fact that it also might not happen is very little comfort to me. I am scared. I hate living scared. I have worked very hard for my whole life so that I would be relatively comfortable and successful and have all the good things and a pleasant life. And now -- having achieved what I hoped to achieve -- I wake up scared and go to sleep scared. It sounds like you are doing better than I am. You are closer to getting past this. And I hope you make it that last step, and escape from the land of unnecessary anxiety.