My parents divorced since I was one year old. I’ve been living with my mom and my grandfather since i was young.
My dad is an alcoholic and manipulative. He never shows me any affection or even bought me a birthday gifts since i born. It hurts me but it's ok.
My grandfather (my mother's dad) filled my childhood with beautiful memories. he was my best friend and my dad. He listen to what i say, he play with me when i was young, he tells me stories and he gave me advices when i needed it. However, when i was 12 years old, he diagnosed with cancer and he passed away when I was at home alone with him. He died in front of my eyes. I was young; I didn't know how to help him. He was able to breathe. He fell from his bed. I was sitting on the floor next to him. I was screaming, crying and begging him to stop doing that. It was the worst day in my life. It kills me inside that i lost him but i m grateful that i had him in my life.
Since he died, my life has changed. I suffered from eating disorder and depression. I love my mom but she has been always telling hurtful words since I was young. I know that she gets angry on me if i do something wrong. However, I can't forget the hurtful words that she has been telling me.
I moved from my country to California for college because even though i had mental issue, I still want to graduate and have a job. My grandfather always wanted me to have a bright future. Before he dies, he saved money for my school.
I still talk with my mom on Skype everyday. One day, i lost my eye contact. I asked her to send me new ones, because it would save me money. She told me that have no money. She started yelling at me for being clumsy. She even told to work as a ********** and pay for my eye contact. Her words hurt me really bad. I still suffer from eating disorder that time. She always tells me that I made her life a nightmare and that I m not a normal girl like the other girls in my ages.
It was really hard to deal with my school and my eating disorder. I binge and purge everyday. I started partying with my friends and abusing drugs every weekend. I wanted to escape from the circle of eating disorder and forget about everything.
I realized that I need to see a doctor for my depression and eating disorder.( my mother took me to many doctors but nothing helped me to feel better) I went to see a doctor and he diagnoses me with ADHA and GAD. He put me on Vyvance, which helped me to control my eating disorder.
I wasted a lot of money because my life has never been organized. Last semester, I met a guy in my class who is originally from Mexico but born in California. We started dating. I told him about my life and he told about his. He came from poor family, his dad is in jail and he didn't has a healthy childhood because of his step dad. I always listen to his problems and I even motivated him to find a job. He stopped partying with me. He stopped doing drugs since I helped him find a job. He stopped listening to my problems.
He started blaming me for things and yelling at me every time we argue. I felt like he started using my weakness to feel better and all he do is draining my energy. I didn’t want to break up with him, because I was scared to be a heartbroken. He loves me and I love him too.
Since I came to California, I wasted so much money because I didn’t know how to manage my money. I always had to ask my mom to send me money. I get stressed and scared to hear her telling me hurtful word before sending me money. Since I m an international student, school and expenses were pretty expensive. I spent money every month on doctors’ appointment and my medications. I quit smoking and doing drugs because I wanted to be healthy. I had to explain the truth to my mother and tell her that I m going out patient program to help me control my emotion and organize my life.
She didn’t listen what I did say to her. She started talking crap to me. Since 2 months, I started getting more stressed every day because of money, therapy, school and my relationships with my mother and my boyfriend. Sometimes, when I m in class or sleeping, I wasn’t able to answer my mom’s call on Skype. She always leave messages like (why don’t you answers my call? I know you aren’t home? You are a ****. What don’t you answer my call? Call me back when you get out of class) my thoughts were really messy.
I felt like giving up school and go back to my country and live again with my mother. I felt lost and guilty. I had no motivation for the future. Last Monday, I had my first panic attack. My boyfriend drove me to the emergency. It was the worst experience ever in my life. For the first time in life, I lost control of my body. I though I was dying.
The doctor diagnoses me with first-degree heart block. I had to tell my mom what happened because I felt really alone, scared and I needed her support She didn’t care. Today, one my way to the library, I check my phone and I read her hurtful text because I didn’t answer her call last night. I had it up. I called her back and I told her crying that I don’t want her anymore to send me money. I told her that I can’t deal anymore with all the stress she is putting me through since 2 months ago and its because of her I had a panic attack. She didn’t say anything for a second then she told me that she wish that I had died last Monday. I couldn’t hear her words anymore. I hung up on her. She message me saying that all I m doing is causing drama and all I say is a bullcrap. I turned my Skype off in my phone. My body started shacking and I started having a sharp pain in my heart. I didn’t want to have another panic attack in the front of the library. I run to the bathroom, I washed my face and I tired to breath slowly then I went inside the library to write this post and get things out of my chest.
<edit> I broke your post into paragraphs for easier reading for the members. 
I also edited per HW Rules.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 10/20/2013 4:25:58 PM (GMT-6)