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Posted 10/23/2013 12:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hey! I am new to this forum and was quite apprehensive to join earlier but now i seem to be at ground zero. I seem to be having panic attacks post breakup from a very hectic emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Ive been reading a lot to help myself and have seeked guidance from elders n therapists as well. But the same old suggestions to deep breathe, think of a happy place, stay with the panic till it passes etc is just not working anymore. Ive identified my problem well enough so atleast that might help for starters. This boy i was dating, treated me horribly for 1.5 years and while i could see that this was toxic for me and despite being dumped every other weekend i stayed in it. I finally couldnt take the abuse anymore and walked out of it but it ended very very badly. my parents had to get involved after he threatened to get me raped when i got placed in a company while he didnt get it. instead of being happy for me, he kept calling me up and abusing me and said that he wanted to show me my place, he abused my family, me and god knows what else. my parents had to get involved, speak to his mother in short it ended very very badly. now the probably is that we are in the same college. after all this i went to college for a while but each day whenever ii saw him, id end up having a panic attack which would last for 4-5 hours min. soon after i came down with dengue and havent been to college for almost a month. we arent on talking terms at all. of what i have heard, he believes i havnt been coming to college cause i am so afffected by the break up that i cnt go back to that place. now that i am returning to college from tomorrow and the closer this is getting, my panic attacks have returned, at the thought of seeing him in the corridor, getting cozy with some other girl in the batch etc. Please help me. Please tell me what to do when i see him in college without going into a complete panic attack and please a technique that actually works. when i dont see him, i am still doing so much better. Please help me get through this. no1 understands what its like to have a panic attack arnd me and they just brush it away. friends in college just dont get how and what i go through n they have started to get annoyed by it and keep telling me - get over with these stupid attacks and get on with ur life.
Posted 10/23/2013 12:43 PM (GMT 0)
While I never felt like I was in any real physical danger in a previous relationship, I understand what it's like being in a mentally abusive one. I've told the story about a thousand times on this board so I won't go through it again (if you're interested, just look at one of my posts) but basically what happened was it was a bad relationship and I blinded myself to it. Currently I am now in a very good relationship, but seem to be self sabotaging it as a defense mechanism.

Like you, I feel like I have it all figured out which is a great first step. However, if you're anything like me, the "what ifs" keep creeping in even though you know the fears aren't real or there's no real danger. I know you've heard this and I know it's painful to do (trust me), but the best thing you can do is to keep your mind moving, don't dwell on it. If you feel the anxiety hitting you, pick up a book. Personally, I've burned through about every quiz and game on Sporcle. I figure (with me) that I've basically set up a routine of worrying. If you're focusing on something else, the thoughts will still be there, but they won't be as loud because you aren't putting your energy on that. They will naturally run its course and eventually fade away. If you've felt fine before, you will again.

It's better to get through this now and not let it affect future relationships too. I'm with a wonderful girl right now and all what has consumed me is every possible way it could turn out badly. In a way, that is more painful than the actual previous relationship itself. You will be okay and you are better off without this dude in your life.
Posted 10/23/2013 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
What Country do you live in, if its the US or Canada there are laws that will protect you from future abuse,
you may have to give copies of the legal proceedings to the school administration so they will know what has
happened. You said one thin that bothers me, you said something about seeing him at school talking to some
girl in the batch etc? That sounds like even though the relationship was not good you still have a part of you
that is still wanting him? I would be more worried about that situation than anything else. If he bothers you
go to Security! Peace

Larry ***
Posted 10/23/2013 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
I live in India and here doing any such thing is like total taboo. My parents had made it very clear to him and his family that if he tries some stunts they will go to the police. After the brk up there has been an instance where i was driving back home and he kept following me till a certain point after which he turned for the colony where he lives but he has never taken the route i take home.

the reasons y when i see him specially with girls, it sends me into a panic attack because:
1) it remind me of everything i went through and what that girl has no clue shes getting into
2) he always told me that if we end for good he will do everything he can that would hurt me, have flings with girls, go become frnds with ppl that i may not like and make my life hell and he seems to be doing just that
3) he also got black magic done on me

shortly after the brkup, less than 2 weeks i was down with dengue and very critical, i was in the ICU for like a week.

I just dont wanna ever see this boy again and being in the same college i dont noe what to do. ive been hearing stories about him in college and they arent pretty. I am supposed to go back 2mro and i am almost convinced to stay at home one more day and postpone going back.
Posted 10/23/2013 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
faithandmagic

Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  I am sorry to read of your alarming situation with this "boyfriend".  I suspect you do not live in the USA however, if you do, you could petition the courts for a restraining order against this person which would dictated how close this boy can get to you.

No matter where you live be sure to report his threats to you and to your parents as you will want that on record should you need it in the future. By contacting the authorities  you will be protecting yourself. 

I would kindly suggest that you avoid him, do not talk to him or about him to any of your friends; do not listen to others who are telling you what he has been saying ( of what i have heard, he believes i havnt been coming to college cause i am so afffected by the break up that i cnt go back to that place.) Do not take any phone calls or if you accidentally pick up the phone and it si him, hang up.

Keep him out of your life and out of your conversations as he is trying to get at you by talking the way he is.  Don't listen and ignore him.

Your emotional safety is just as important as your physical safety. Dealing with the aftermath of abuse can be a very challenging experience, especially on your mind and heart. The emotional scars of  abuse can stay with victims long after they have left the relationship.

Remind yourself why you left — journaling about your abuse can help you remember the reasons that you left and can be particularly helpful if you’re having second thoughts about leaving this abusive person.  The abuse went on for 1 1/2 years -don't think he is going to change for you so wipe him out of your thoughts and life.

Give yourself time and space — recovery is hard so go easy on yourself. Don’t put a time limit on getting past your pain. It’s ok to grieve. Even though it was an abusive relationship, it is still a loss. You are allowed to feel what you feel at your pace.

Go back to school because you want an education and trust there is enough room at the school for both of you so keep your distance and know we support you.

Kindly,

Kitt

Posted 10/23/2013 4:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Faithandmagic and welcome.

I am sorry to hear of the troubled past realtionship that you had, and the anxiety and panic that it has caused you.

The key word here however is PAST. He has no power over you. He never really did, although I am sure as if it felt that way. Now however, you have taken the steps to free yourself...and for that you should feel very proud!!

Unfortunately there is no quick fix that we can give you for any panicky feelings that you may anticipate for tomorrow.

The best advice I can give is to use some imagery to envision a positve outcome to a possible meeting with him.

Imagine yourself seeing him in the hallway, as you simply walk by, head held high and stong. You will slow your breathing and tell yourself that "He has no power over me." and you will be unaffected by his presence.

For more coping skills, you can check out our Resources here:https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=104206 

In this link you will find exercises that may help you to lower your overall stress levels, and therefore avoid any future panic issues in this regard.  it does takes time however, so don't give up...consistency is key!

I wish you the best tomorrow. Will you post back and let us know how it goes?

We are here anytime for your support.

Scaredy Cat
Posted 10/23/2013 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Stkitt!

He never tries to contact me directly but by way of the grapevine or if we are in college then if he sees me from a distance, he'd immediately start talking to a group of girls and laugh really loudly and look at me from the corner of his eyes. I dont wanna get affected by him at all but before i even have time to think and respond, the panic takes on and all color drains from my face and i instantly start praying.

How do i heal myself emotionally? How do i stop having nightmares about him? My sleep cycle is totally messed up where at 9 pm i am wide awake and despite taking a sleeping pill i am wide awake till 4 am and then wake up at 230 pm in the afternoon; i have completely lost my appetite and have to force lunch and dinner down my throat forget any other short mid day meals. I have my exams starting from the 25th of nov and i just cnt get down to studying. Mornings are dreadful and theres no motivation to do anything all day apart from sitting in bed and watching tv and when i start feeling again and am not numb then engross myself in prayers.

Ive been getting slightly better lately, sometimes i find teh motivation to clean up my room, sometimes put nailpolish, read up articles on the net, read novels but apart from this i just cnt get myself to do anything which is why i decided this was a good time to join a forum where i feel like there are ppl out ther who would care and help me out. Because i just had dengue, i am very weak and cnt yet indulge in physical activities of such.

Also since i wasnt allowed to have any friends for 1.5 years, while i have over the past 1.5 months become comfortable with being around ppl virtually ie talking on the phone, whatsapping and bbming, i am just not comfortable meeting ppl personally or for that matter i really wanna get out of the house but when i start materializing a plan, i suddenly get very uncomfortable and end up staying at home only.

i know i am a total mess and i never thought this would be my story. i dont wanna be a victim and i just wanna go back to being the really bubbly, happy go lucky, totally fun girl who would be seen laughing and smiling alll the time. i noe its just been a 1.5 months but i feel like 1.5 years was enough to suffer and i wanna just be freeeeee now! i dont cry anymore and i feel very proud of myself for that. ive been very regular with my journal and feel much better after that.

i just feel that i have never wished ill for anyone or knowinngly caused pain to anyone, i didnt deserve this.
Posted 10/24/2013 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
Faith it is good that you have Forgiven the past, have you ever thought that he just may be afraid of You!
He knows that one slip up and your Family will be on him like a dog on a bone, so You be the happy one and
laugh after all you are no longer stuck with that looser!

Don't worry about him, I know you know what Karma is and he will do himself in with his own bad acting, the
next poor girl he hurts may land him in jail! "May you have Peace".

Larry ***
Posted 10/24/2013 7:04 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all

Well i couldnt muster the courage to go to college today. it just felt like id be be hitting a hammer on my own foot. ive been through so much hurt and pain and have just started feeling a lil normal and i wanna take it upon myself to protect myself from any pain at all. Also everyone in college is dating; the social environment is such that if ure single ure sort of looked down upon; everything about that place seems so depressing and gives me zero motivation to go there. Mom keeps telling me just go attend the lectures and come back, u dont need to socialize or talk to anyone. i am so sick of life. sound like anyone's story? am still terrified of him. any tips on how to not care at all and become totally indifferent?
Posted 10/24/2013 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Faith, do you know how to meditate? Focusing on one object, or God can help you clear out all irrelevant things, if you can do this it will eventually allow you to make his presence in your past less and less, do not ever let anyone have power over your right to Happiness. "Your Mother is Right don't let this
looser interfere with your right to an education". Peace

Larry ***
Posted 10/25/2013 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
I hope that you can make it tomorrow. I would love to see this gty not be able to take anything more from you than he already has...do not let the bad guy win!! You are stronger than you know.

I don't have any other advice than what I gave in my first reply. Practice those skills...

*envisioning a positive outcome
*encouraging mantra
*coping skills from our Resources.

Best wishes

S.C.
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