Kind of a good step today...

Things have been pretty rough with severe money issues and my partner had to go out of town for work and left me to come up with rent in 3 days when I just spent all the $ I had on all the overdue bills... my mom came into town for a visit and sales on my website have been down so needless to say the anxiety has been really high.

But, one of my closest friends (who lives several states away) has a new-ish boyfriend who I've only met once before and he came into town for work for a couple days. So he came and hung out yesterday and stayed for dinner and it was nice, he mostly needed to vent as they have a new baby and are having relationship growing pains but it was nice to hear about someone else's issues instead of dwelling on my own. Anyways at one point it came up that my close friend is depressed and he's upset cause he can't get her to do anything or go out when they have time. I told him to keep encouraging her and she's gotta make herself do it even though she's depressed.

LOL, so this came around to bite me in the ass today when he came back over for his last night in town and asked me to go out & grab some dinner with him. I'm all like, sure, let's do it. I just gotta make myself go... For the backstory, severe agoraphobia popped up out of the blue 1 1/2 years ago and I RARELY leave the house. I sold my car cause it was in bad shape and driving was making me panic too. I've lived in a new town for 8 months and have only gone to the store 4 times and the museum once. Thats it... I go for walks and stuff but not far. I work from home and it's super easy to make excuses when I feel panicky about going out.

So, anyways off we go... it's about 5 miles away and then a couple block walk (I've never even been to this area before, so it was kind of funny he wanted me to tell him about stuff and I'm like "I don't know anything LOL" So we get to this pizza joint/sports bar and get a booth & order and I'm at about a 6 out of 10 panic at this point but its pretty quiet and the waiter is nice and my friends boyfriend is nice too plus I'm facing the door so I can see my escape route.

Then just when I'm hanging in there, BLAM All 500 million tv's in the place turn on to all different channels and it's monday night football and there are people lining up outside to come in and a huge crowd waiting to be seated. OH crap! So I'm trying to breathe and my face is tingling, my hands are shaking so bad I spill the water and I'm at about a 9 now. But it was pretty cool, my friends man was like super calm and says "it's ok, nothing bad is happening, you're gonna be fine" and everytime I started to get ready to lose it He would say it again. I guess he's had some anxiety issues in the past that he hadn't mentioned.

So, WHEW I made it through. it sucked and it was super hard, terrifying and it was very embarrassing, but I didn't run out screaming and I didn't faint I only cried a tiny bit and I even managed to eat a piece of pizza (which was amazing considering I was mostly trying to breathe the whole time)

So I'm gonna try to be positive about the whole situation, He didn't think I was weird, he was just happy to get to do something (new baby and all) and I made it without dying of terror. I'd like to be back in the good old days when I didn't know what all the fuss about panic and anxiety were and I went to concerts all the time and worked in a busy medical practice and was the epitome of confidence. But here's where I'm at so 'it is what it is'

Thanks SC, I really appreciate your positive encouragement, most people I know think this is a little step and don't understand how it can feel like such a major accomplishment. And it's nice to be back, I lurk sometimes when my anxiety gets pretty high and don't feel up to posting but it's so good to know there is such great support for each other here, I always feel safe here :)

So, I made the decision after I got home that my living situation is really harming my progress and started putting feelers out to get moved back to the southwest where I feel comfortable and have better job prospects. If I keep putting off stuff because I'm terrified or act crazy when I do it, I'll never get it done!

There is a tiny window to get moved at the beginning of this december if everything falls into place (this is alot of stuff though) so I'm putting my energy towards making this happen. Fingers crossed :)

Hey there, i just wanted to congratulate you on ur night out that was an awesome story lol i loved it! Hope things keep progressing for u xoxo hugs :)

Dreadie as a husband of a agoraphobic I can really related to your victory, I well remember the first time we
ate out after many years of her getting up and walking out of the various restaurants, trying to climb out of
the car while still driving, so you are due major kudos kid, go look in the mirror and give your self a high five!

Larry ***

I'm in the SW, common home!