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Avoiding nice people

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Posted 11/10/2013 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
I had wicked high anxiety all week - feeling like I was going to burst into tears for no reason. On Thursday, a coworker who I had never spoken to before (mostly because she is amazing and perfect and I am intimidated by her), invited herself into my office and proceded to get me to talk to her. Her explanation for coming was, "you look like you just need to talk to someone." I did need to, and I did feel better afterward, but now I feel super panicky about this coworker. Now I know that she doesn't just look perfect, but is also basically an angel. I don't know what to do when people are nice to me! I feel like I now need to avoid this person because she can see things about me that aren't supposed to be seen. And now she knows things about me that a coworker shouldn't know. I start to get nervous just thinking about going someplace where I might see her - so ridiculous! I shouldn't want to avoid people anymore!
Posted 11/10/2013 7:08 AM (GMT 0)
Lani, thats just the anxiety talking to you, maybe You need this new friend more than you realize. One day
you will reach out to someone in need, how can you expect that person to accept your love and kindness
if you don't accept it when you really need it. Be Thankful Your God is watching over You! Peace

Larry ***
Posted 11/10/2013 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
L.,

I agree with Larry....this is anxiety trying to take something nice and turn it around on you...don't let it.

Also, think of it this way. If this person was kind enough to notice that you needed someone to talk to, then she can surely be trusted. I don't think that she would do or think anything that would give you reason for regretting talking with her.

I hope that you can start to feel better about this and have a peaceful weekend.

Hugs,

S.C.
Posted 11/10/2013 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Why do you feel intimidated by her?  Is it because of her appearance?  Is it her position?  Is it what you perceive to be her social standing?

It sounds to me like part of the package of this very nice angel as you described her, is that she has warmth and compassion and for people like us who are shy and introverted (and intimidated, I got your back there, too!), it's those people who are the "opposite," who are willing to come up to us, usually when we need a friend more than ever.

I think you made a very apt and descriptive observation when you referred to her as an angel.

I like to believe people are basically good.  Everyone starts out that way in my book.

Many people with that "perfectly put together outward appearance" can have their own insecurity issues which they try to wrap up in pretty paper and bows so no one can see inside.  She may recognize a kindred spirit in you, a place between the two of you where you can both relax.

I think it was a wonderful gesture on her behalf.  Enjoy the moment of making a new friend!

M.

Posted 11/10/2013 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
I'm intimidated because she is perfect - even her 14yr old son agrees. She has a little one who plays with the toys in my office at the end of the day sometimes. I realize it's weird that I have frequently talked with her kids, and her husband actually, and not with her. After much contemplating, I think I'm afraid to want the kind of friend that I see her as being.
Posted 11/10/2013 8:38 PM (GMT 0)
What kind of friend do you see her as being?

M.

(PS:  Remember, family's going to be biased when discussing attributes)

Posted 11/10/2013 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
la5ni,

Just the thought of speaking in front of or with a  co-worker raises  anxiety when a person has social anxiety.  Finally, the meeting is over. A big wave of relief spills over you as you begin to relax. But the memory of the visit with this co-worker is still uppermost in your mind. You are convinced you made a fool of  yourself and that co-worker judged you as acting stupid in their presence.

As with all problems, everyone with social anxiety has slightly different symptoms. Some people, for example, cannot write in public because they fear people are watching and their hand will shake. Others are very self-conscious and they find it too difficult to converse with their peers. Still others have severe anxiety about eating or drinking in the presence of other people. Blushing, sweating, and "freezing" are other physiological symptoms.  Some people with social anxiety feel that a certain part of their body (such as the face or neck) are particularly "strange looking" and vulnerable to being stared at.

I have been right where you are but with therapy and working on increasing my self-esteem I learned to accept myself and believe that I was just as capable, kind, fun to talk to and nice as the next person who may be a very social person.

Many therapeutic methods have been studied, but cognitive-behavioral techniques have been shown to work the best. In fact, treatment of social anxiety through these cognitive-behavioral methods produces long-lasting, permanent relief from the anxiety-laden world of social anxiety.

Do consider using our online free CBT program if you do not have a therapist.  Here is the link to the two CBT programs from our resources.

Free on-line CBT programs:

http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

You'll get through this squall, wishing you fair winds and following seas.

Kindly,

Kitt

 

 

Posted 11/10/2013 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a HUGE supporter of CBT.

One day, someone explained it to me in such a way that it felt like a giant light bulb went off in my head.  So to this day, I often use the same analogy.

What worked for me is when I began to view CBT as "rehearsal."  It's "practice."  Every single profession requires practice, repetition under varying circumstances.  And during those "rehearsals," everyone makes mistakes, they learn from them, go at it again and learn how to navigate around those things that caused the anxiety.

I know this sounds so cliché, but you know the saying "practice makes perfect?"  While no human can put a claim on the "perfect" part, I think the message is a strong staple.

If every single day you "practiced" (I'm using a random example here), playing basketball, and spent one hour focusing on making those all-net shots,....sure, most of the time, you'd miss.  But the thing is, sometimes you would not miss!  Sometimes, you'd hit your mark perfectly.

Now imagine "practicing" your basketball, that one hour every day,...and where do you think you'll be in 6 months time with all that "rehearsal?"  You know in your heart and in your gut that you'd get better and better!!

Well, "LIFE" is the same way.  We're all rehearsing, we're all practicing, we all make mistakes.  Everyone.  No one is good at everything!  No, not even your co-worker!

So get out on that playing field, kiddo, and practice LIFE!  :)

M.

Posted 11/11/2013 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks. I do have a therapist. I have gone through extensive CBT, over and over. I didn't talk to anyone except my brothers until 9th grade. I have come a long way. And I am a counselor. I know all about thinking traps and negative cycles, as well as all the strategies for coping with and overcoming anxiety. I know it inside and out - and I teach and practice every day. Unfortunately, knowing does not always translate into feeling. I work very hard, every day, to not be anxious (or at least not appear to be).

And just for the record - when I practice "all-net shots" I always make most of them ;) I use that exact analogy with my kids all the time and I play basketball every day.

Posted 11/11/2013 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Lani,
"Ms Perfect" is not perfect. She probably has her fears, uncertainties, worries, and so forth, too. now no one would ever call me "perfect". I am overweight, nearing fifty, got hair turning gray, and have enough phobias to last a lifetime or 100 lifetimes! BUT, I was always considered by most people that knew me (teachers, peers, family) to be smart, witty, funny, kind, blah, blah, blah! I never felt like I deserved much of the praise I received...I still have trouble accepting any. I can't get up and speak to a group of people (it would have to be spontaneous if I were to do so), but set me loose in a room of people and see if I can't meet and greet and joke around with them as if I'd known them forever! Most folks are surprised/shocked/amazed when they find out about my anxiety disorder and phobias! They couldn't tell, they say. so my point is that you just can't go by "what you see". You would be surprised about how many times I've stood there, trying to cheer up someone, while inside I felt like I wanted to die myself. I hide my feelings even from my family, so you couldn't/wouldn't know it through them either.
I'm a very compassionate person...I have found that so many folks with anxiety and phobias are that way. I bet you are one of them too! Have you perhaps considered that YOU might be the kind of friend that "Ms. Perfect" needs or would like to have? I hope you will be able to look at things in a new perspective, because you could be missing out on one of the best friends you could have! :)
jl
Posted 11/11/2013 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
There's a saying that a Blessing is also a Curse.

I've found that to be true in so, so many aspects of my life.

I think that those of us that are shy, anxious, insecure,....because we know what that feels like, we're in a position to be more informed of what someone else going through this feels like and would need and want.

I agree, I think that many of us with these phobias actually can heal ourselves by working with others who also have them (even if they're wrapped up in packages that don't display them as easily as our packaging does!)

It is a gift to reach out to others just as scared and anxious and confused as you are.

M.

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