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I'm falling apart it seems

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Posted 11/27/2013 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Going to try to make this as short as possible. :)

Because of the gov and its shut down. Hubby lost his contract with them. So he has now had to be shipped off to the main office. He has been there now for 24 days. This is the first time in almost 17 years we have been apart.
He is my rock when my anxiety goes haywire. But since he is gone I am struggling. Majorly. I've had some really good days and done some things I would not otherwise have done.

I am agoraphobic. I rarely leave the house and if/when I do I go very short distances and am gone for a very short time. Along with having to drag someone with me. Well today! I went into town to mail an item to my hubby that he needed. So I was away from the house for over an hour!! I was so proud of myself. It felt good to get out of the house. And the fact I did it alone made me feel amazing.

Then tonight a heart palpation or flutter whichever you prefer. And I'm in tears now and feeling like dirt. No pain from it no head rush just a normal palp. But I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Usually when I have something that bugs me I go straight to him and cuddle for awhile. He calms me down and I feel better. Well I got up to go to him.. and it hit me hard that he isn't here. :( And I can't call him as he is already in bed. So I'm suffering alone and scared.

I thought I was doing so good. I've only had a couple rough days. Most of it I think is just missing him. He gets to come home for 2 weeks for x-mas. And then goes back for no telling how long.

I feel like I'm falling apart. Yet I want to be strong and be ok while he is gone so he worries less. It was very hard for him to leave. He even spoke to his mom about my 'issues' just so I would have someone to call. But I can't bug her. Its just not right. I am a grown women and need to suck it up and get over this.. LOL At least thats what I keep telling myself.

I think I will be good for the rest of the night as long as I don't have another one. I know if I do.. here comes the tears the pacing and the 2 hour panic attack. The only thing that might make it easier to deal with is the fact my kids are home and I can chit chat with one of them to try and make it a short issue.

Ok signing out before I write a book .. sorry for the long post
Allie
Posted 11/27/2013 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Allie,

You have done, and are still doing great! Try not to let a symptom and the resulting fear take away your accomplishment and derail you.

You have had these palps before, and nothing came of them. It is just the old anxiety...and the only difference this time is that your 'safe' person is not with you.;(

To put a positive spin on it however...this gives you an oppurtunity for growth that you otherwise would not have had.

Although your husband is a wonderful comfort to you...you can do this on your own as well.

You actually did it all along. Your husband is not some magic talisman afterall.;p He is great...but you are the one that allowed yourself to be comforted and come down from your previous attacks.  Now you just need to find a new way of self-calming.

It could be a coping skills, music, a warm drink such as tea or milk, or calling a friend...or even your MIL...nothing wrong with that!

I know that you can get through this time of adjustment. It will not be exactly like having your hubby by your side, but it could open up new avenues for you explore in regards to your recovery!

We are here when you need cheering on.;)

S.C.
Posted 11/27/2013 2:48 AM (GMT 0)
Great job getting out today! I know it's difficult, but try to focus on that accomplishment and not on the heart flutter tonight. Just think of how many times you had that same heart flutter and nothing happened, and you've had good, healthy feeling times since then. You are OKAY, and will get through this!
Posted 11/27/2013 5:38 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you!

Brought a smile to my face. You are right I had a good step forward today! And I should look at that instead of one little issue that has since way passed!

I do miss him. And his comfort. But it is a good thing in a way that he has had to leave. It has given me some room to grow and start to feel 'normal' again. I think I relied on him more than I thought.

Now I'm going to work on getting some things in place that keeps me up and moving. And not to get back into the depressed state I was into before. Even pushing myself to walk outside of the house! Might be around it , but I am outside!

Next one is going to be sleeping without the t.v. on. Ugh I hate that. But my mind goes so 100 miles an hour at bed time. Now just to figure the best way to wing this one!

Thanks again R2R and SC!! *Smiles*
Hugs to both of you
Posted 11/27/2013 5:55 AM (GMT 0)
You are an Awesome Lady and your Husband is totally lucky, you have nothing to be ashamed of you are
suffering the pain of longing for your loved one, and I think that's good enough to wright about, Why don't
you try doing what they call journaling, with a little switch, write about how you feel about Him and How
much You Love Him. Wow that would be the Greatest Christmas Ever! Peace

Larry ***
Posted 12/2/2013 7:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Larry.

That would be a sweet idea. I've often thought about doing a daily journal. I used to do that as a teenager. Loved it. Until of course my parents got ahold of it. Which ruined me ever wanting to do that again. lol

I went to walmart saturday and got some things for the house. Messed around a bit and had a really good time! I spent.... get this.. ... two hours there. Just walking around checking everything out!! It was soo nice. I had a little worry before I left the house. But as soon as I got on the road it was all gone and I was so looking forward to my day of being out of the house! Even parked really far out from the entrance.

And I have another trip planned for today! This time going a little further into town!

Hubby will be home in 18 days for 2weeks. And the count down continues! hehe

I am currently working on my fear of exercising! Yes I know how odd. But its a work in progress and I'm taking it slowly.

In a month I have.. Moved off the couch into the bedroom! (this has been a huge struggle for me since I always have anxiety issues in the bedroom)
I have gotten out of the house alone! for a couple hours.
I feel comfortable enough to walk to the mail box! Alone!
I can now handle being home by myself all day without a panic attack!
Eating! This one is big. I am now eating 4-5 small meals/snack (healthy) throughout the day! previously it was once a day.
No more soda! That has been a crutch for me for years. But none no more. Nor ( I hope) will I drink another one again!
I have been able to talk myself out of most anxiety inducing panic attacks within minutes. I've had just the one issue listed above so far. I know there will be more. But I am in a place now that I can self calm and take control better and faster!

Wow looking at all I've done in what I consider a very short time is just amazing for me. 6 years of not being able to leave the house let alone eat/sleep or even cook. Has all changed.
I'm seeing myself again!! I'm in wait for the next panic attack to show its ugly head. So I can conquer it and move on with my life!

Thanks Everyone. Your words and advice is the reason I have made it this far. Many times I remember what has been said to me and I know I can move on!

Allie
Posted 12/2/2013 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to say that I am so proud and happy for you Allie! Good job and the hubby will be so much more at ease too.
Posted 12/2/2013 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
You ROCK!!

That is HUGE progress!! Do you realize how many good changes you have made so far?

...and it is just the start of many more I am sure.

Keep up the good work, and thanks for the update...it is inspiring to others.:)

Talk to you soon,

S.C.
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