The Way I feel

All of my life I have been the type of person that once I love a person and they are truly dear to me, I hold them close in my heart and try to show it by being thoughtful and considerate. I'm the person that used to call (don't phone much at all any more) and am still the one that will write long letters, short letters, emails and such. When I see you, I will give you a hug and am not embarrassed to say I love you. If I know you are not a "hugger", I will not push one on you. I am a respecter of people's rights and feelings. And lastly, I really do try to be balanced. I know that everyone has different backgrounds, upbringings, personalities, responsibilities, schedules, and so forth....with all of this said, I have found that I've never really once had a friend that cared about me as much as I cared about them. Now you may think that sounds harsh or pompous, but I'm being honest. Now my Mom is NOT one to say things just because I WANT to hear them! She's one of those folks that calls it like she sees it. If you don't want her opinion, then you'd better not ask her. Sometimes the truth WILL hurt and that's what you will get if you go to her. She said that I am correct that none of my friends have ever shown the same depth of care for me as i have for them. She says that few people are like me. That I'm just a very very loving person that is very attuned to other people's feelings and I am very sensitive and kind. That unfortunately for me, chances are that I will not find many that are like me in that. She says my friends do love me, but they just aren't as deeply kind as I am and that as long as I expect that, I am bound to get disappointed.
That does make me sad. My biggest disappointment is a friend that moved to Guam. He is like a brother to me! I KNOW he truly cares about me, but he IS very busy. But I haven't heard from him in many months, despite the fact that I wrote a long letter asking him to let me know what's the latest news and not to leave me hanging as to his plans for staying in Guam or moving on...no word. It just really hurts my feelings, even though I understand that he is incredibly busy. I have told him that even a very short email or a 2-sentence postcard would suffice as long as I could hear from him occasionally. But nada.
So am I being stupid? Foolish? Am I really expecting too much from someone that is supposed to care? and I even get the same vibe from my sister. Sad.
janet

Larry,
You can have all the hugs you want! :)
Like you, I have no real answers either. Somehow it just doesn't seem like too much to ask of someone that's supposed to care about you, to drop you a line, even if it is very brief! Or to give you a phone call or an email. An email is free and many phone calls these days are as well. I'm not able to call my friend "Bart" in Guam. I do not have a good long distance plan and he's a very busy person. I'd never know when to call if I could afford to do so. But he can afford it easily. and how long does it take to type a 2-3 line message in an email?
Then there's my sister. She lives in the same town I do. She works and has a busy life, but even though Mom and I recently on 2 separate occasions bought her some candies that she especially loves and had not had in a long time (we sent it to her via my niece), she never once even called to say thank you or that she enjoyed it. I had to ask my niece if her Mom liked it.
I believe that my sister always felt like she was not as loved as I was by my Mom. That really was NOT the case at all. The thing is, my sister was very stubborn and I was not. Mom could just give me "the look" and I'd cry. My sister was not like that. She was daring and had a tendency to defy my Mom. When I would get a shipping, my sister would just stand there. When she got one, I would cry my eyes out for her.....my sister went on to get married and have three daughters of her own and a grandson. All I've ever had is my Mom. My sister should never feel jealous of me. I am so sad and lonely most of the time. I have no home of my own where I get to make the decisions (Mom has the last word in this house). No one has ever been in love with me and I've never even been kissed. I have no kids to comfort me in my old age. Even my cockatiel is dead.
If Mom dies, I'll be all alone.
not even my so-called friends care as much about me as one would think they could or maybe even should.
I just don't know any more.
jl

Janett - you sound like an absolutely lovely person - and that is not a bad thing. The one thing I have learned about people is not to expect them to do what I would do. Often, situations come about and we get hurt about something and think "I wouldn't have done that" or "I wouldn't have said that". Unfortunately in todays world caring about other people is not a top priority in most people's lives. It is only if something major happens in their life do they reach out to people and find the need to include other people in their life, whereas they wouldn't have done that before. Those are not the kind of people you want as friends any way. I am sure you are very kind and would do anything for anybody without expecting reciprocation - yet we get hurt when they don't reciprocate. We tell ourselves it is not a big deal, but deep down it still hurts. I totally understand where you are coming from and what I would say to you is - always stay true to yourself - that is who you are and if some of your friends aren't as considerate and compassionate as you are - I feel sorry for them. One day they will realize what a jewel they have in you as a friend. Someday you will find someone who thinks and feels as you do - they are out there - it just seems like the negative people stand out more. Don't ever think you won't be happy - I know you will be happy and have a good life. Good things happen to good people.

Janet,

I understand, (well as best I can), what you're saying. I have the best-of-the-best-ever Husband, and for that I am forever grateful. And part of that package deal is that I have the most incredible in-laws I could ever hope for. I'm extremely close to them, and they are the people I truly and deeply consider my real family.

I mention this because my "blood relatives" and I have been estranged for decades, and we have an exceedingly long, warped, and distorted history.

And while I feel very blessed, one "side-effect" of our lifestyle (ie: my closest in-laws live a few hours away in MA, and we moved to NH,....and we choose to live private lives, we love our home which is very secluded, and we have neighbours who are extremely wonderful, but we're one of only a few families who live on a dead end road, lots of private land and a lake, all owned by, and lived on, by the same family,...parents, kids, grandkids),...is that I do spend a great deal of time alone.

This has been one of the biggest reasons that my connection with the HW Family has been so important to me. Most of my "going out" tends to be going to physical therapy, numerous doctors' appointments, grocery shopping....and when my body permits, we have access to miles of private trails that's beautiful, peaceful, and feels like my own personal therapy (with me and my dog!)

I guess the point of this is: In the meantime, while you are out-and-about, and while you're working on those relationships in your life, never forget that there are lots of lots of people here on HW that are in similar situations of,--by choice or design,--we end up spending a lot of time alone.

And we feel lonely....

But come here, and you'll be able to connect with many like-minded people who are compassionate, understanding, and while no two people's circumstances are ever the same,-- at least here you have the opportunity to share, to vent, to cry, to share joy,....and know it's safe to do so, you're not going to be judged...

Sometimes just knowing that we're "not alone" in this regard, it means we're not really alone, not all the time. You've always got a safe place here. I learned this for myself. And I am thankful for being welcomed.

You're part of the family, Janet!




M.

Needing someone, being needed, not being afraid to lay ones heart on the threshold of HW, no fear of
rejection, and when the Love does come through its overwhelming and wonderful, I need all of You! Peace

Larry ***

Hi, SC,
I see your point, but how can a person keep on believing and believing and believing that someone cares when they constantly and consistently ignore them, do not ever respond, etc.?
I still love my friends and family members and I do believe in the Golden Rule. But for some reason, I'm generally being treated as of little consequence, despite so many efforts on my part, to let them know they are loved and thought about, whether it is by a phone call, an email, a card, a letter, or a gift.
I already have to fight my feeling of being a big fat NOTHING and so when this happens, it just reinforces my negative feelings...
Sure, I could stop doing nice things. Ignore them. But then what am I? But maybe I should do that. Just leave them all to themselves. I don't know why I miss what I've never really had anyway.
Isn't life grand?
jl

Thanks, SC! :)
But I've decided that in some certain cases, it takes two to tango and I'm tired of dancing alone. There does come a point where you just have to let go.
Hugs!
janet

Janet,

I'm not sure if or where I may have mentioned it before, but I am, and have been, going through some very similar things with my birth mother. (I only call my MIL "Mom"....)

I'm 50 years old and I've been doing the tango by myself for most of that time,....and yet I still feel like I need her acknowledgement, approval,...at least her respect.

We have decades of this unhealthy dance between us. It wasn't until recently that my Husband finally saw for himself what I had been talking about all these years,....and then, he understood (and that validation seemed to make it easier for me to do what I needed to do).

There are people we want in our lives in certain capacities, but because everyone's different, they simply may not have the ability to be there for us, in the way we want them or need them to be. I've come to think that it has less to do with us going out of our way to try and keep those fires alight, the bridges strong,...and it has more to do with the other people just not "getting it" or "needing it" in their life in the same capacity as we do.

That's the part that hurts because we didn't do anything wrong.

I am still angry (a good book to read on this, btw, is called The Dance of Anger, it explains a lot about what S.C. mentioned,...the how's and why's there's always one person in any "relationship" of any kind, that will be more of a giver and others are more of takers). Very good book! Very healing.

I eventually had to ask myself the hard question of why was I so determined,...why was it this important to me,...to want this particular relationship with my birth mother and her family...a relationship that "I" created in my head out of what I "assumed" a Mother/Daughter relationship "should" be, when clearly, we weren't going to have that.

The stress of all the energy you put into trying to salvage unhealthy relationships gets returned to you three fold when you start to pour that energy back into yourself. I am not a doctor so I'm just going based on me, but I believe my physiology changed, my body changed, my mind changed...

It's far from a done deal as I've just begun this process myself as well. I wanted to share this with you and let you know that you're not alone, many of us understand, and S.C. so beautifully put it,...we are here for you. We care about you, we are here, and you don't even have to change! Just be you!

It's safe here....Step on in.



M.

I think of HW as a conversion chamber, we enter here sort of not knowing what to expect but filled with
hope, and every time we depart we are different, even better, with all of us in one room the learning curve
is fantastic. "Be at Peace"

Larry ***

Post Edited (lgm1942) : 12/26/2013 9:24:36 PM (GMT-7)

Janett it's people like You that keep me trying to be a better man, Peace and Love!

Larry ***