Needing someone else to be strong for a while

Hi,

I'm new to the forum, and more than a little self conscious about posting, as I've never done something like this before.

I've recently starting taking medication for panic attacks. It's been about six weeks, and I've had one panic attack within the past week. That's the only one I've had since starting the medication.

While the meds have (mostly) taken away the panic, it sends my emotions soaring. It takes a lot of self control to not be offended by every little thing, or upset over things that would never usually phase me. Before the meds, the only time I was at all 'off' was during the attacks. Now it seems I'm struggling to see the positive side every 2-3 days.

I've heard the medication I'm on can have this effect, and it usually passes within a couple of months. I'm willing to stick it out, as my boyfriend and mother are both incredibly supportive.

But once in a while, like tonight (New Years of all days - hooray) it's a little harder to cope. I haven't been feeling well, nauseous from the meds, and ... well. My boyfriend snores. Usually I can sleep through it, but tonight it sounded like he was trying to inhale the ceiling fan. I feel bad saying that on a public forum, because I love him very much and would never wish to embarrass him. I'm just trying to explain tonight. Anyway, I couldn't sleep through it - and sometimes in his sleep he rolls over and throws his arm around me, which I generally like. But I was irritated with him all night, and finally got so frustrated I stormed out of the bedroom and came into the living room to have a bit of a sobfest (to my eternal shame).

He came out and said it was wrong, I was obviously having a reaction to the meds, I was 'writhing in pain' and if he saw anybody else like this he'd take them to the hospital. I was a little snappish, and still crying, and told him it wasn't just the meds, he was keeping me up. I know I must have hurt his feelings. He told me, "I'm sorry. You have a bed at home you can sleep in." referring to my mother's house, which is relatively close by.

Sadly enough, entirely separate from my anxiety, I have a history of dizziness and passing out. The meds have made the dizziness worse, and I was actually considering going for a walk tonight but felt a real fear of passing out.

It hurt when he said that to me. I know I'm within reason to ask him to be strong for me at times like this, as he said he would be when I couldn't cope, but it sounds selfish even to my ears. Up until we started dating, we've both been very independent people, used to dealing with our own feelings by ourselves.

I'm aware of how hard this must be for him, and I do everything in my power to keep both of us happy. (Please don't think I put his happiness first - I'm fighting for both of us, not just him.) But sometimes I need him to be stronger than I am. I don't like it, but sometimes I snap at him, and I need him to see past it.

I'm not sure how to approach the situation. Similar things happen with unfortunate frequency. We're getting better, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it happening again, even if it's a long time in between incidents.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Therapy would usually be an option, but I'm currently without anything but basic medical benefits. My boyfriend suggested it, but of course in order to go I'd need to be under his medical coverage, and that's one of those things people seem to have a hard time getting around to adjusting.

I woke up this morning (afternoon) hoping my boyfriend would be maybe a little less upset. He was playing a video game when I came into the room, and as soon as the round was over he quit the game and went to have a shower.

It's those things that drive me crazy right now. Everything makes me bite my lip, want to cry. I just want some reassurance that I'm not frustrating or upsetting him while on this medication. He does amazingly most of the time, but of course any time either of us falter I fall back to square one in my head, because he's the person I see the most and it's him I'm leaning on.

I try not to lean too heavily. I used to be very good at dealing with this on my own. But ever since I've been able to open up to him, I almost haven't been able to be strong solely for myself.

I want to go for a walk to clear my head. But every time I do, he takes it personally and gets defensive. We've both acknowledged that fact, but it happens anyway. I'm at a loss every time these things happen.

EDIT: Just an update from earlier today. I went for a bit of a walk, but was still feeling really awful, emotionally. I came home and put an apple, Boost meal replacement drinks, and my laptop in my backpack. Boyfriend asked what I was doing, and I stumbled, said something along the lines of "Somewhere I won't do this to you all day," and I think he thought I was actually just leaving - forever. He got frustrated, and he snapped at me a little bit, leaving me lying on the floor trying to take deep breaths and explain myself to him as calmly as I could. Of course I wasn't leaving forever. He's my best friend, and this is the hardest thing we've ever been through as a couple. Obviously we're going to struggle and stumble.

He said everything he wanted to say, about how he can handle having his feelings hurt sometimes when I say things I don't mean on these meds, because it's temporary. He said I shouldn't worry about hurting him.

I was too tired to explain to him that - how can I not worry about that? He's the most important person in my life. I can't just block out the fact that this medication makes me emotional and, despite my best efforts, I do say hurtful things on bad days. I've tried saying before that I don't like who I am when it happens, that I don't like saying those things or acting in a way that is negative toward him. He continues to say I should just worry about myself.

But it's my nature to care very much about how I treat him. I can't switch off the guilt. I know guilt is useless. I know he loves me and is here for me. But when these meds act up, when all of a sudden I find myself crying for no reason (or for an insignificant reason) and either I snap at him or he snaps at me, I spiral until I'm either just on the floor wherever I happened to be, crying, or I'm in the bedroom struggling to breathe properly and tearing the sheets off the bed.

It's been an hour or so since I came home with the intention of leaving him alone for a while. He came to me and told me he loves me, he's sorry that he snapped at me this morning/last night. He told me (not unkindly) not to cry, to go and have some food.

But I'm still stuck in this downward spiral of crying over and over again, giving myself the stress headache. That's what anxiety is all about, isn't it? At least in my experience - little things becoming huge in my head and bringing me down.

He said he doesn't understand why, when this happens, I can't just find somewhere comfortable and read a book, or play video games. Since I've found it very hard to articulate myself verbally since I was little, I paused too long before I wanted to say something, and he said he loved me and went outside to sit on the patio. I wanted to say that asking me to curl up and be comfy and calm and ignore the anxiety is totally backwards. It feels like (and I didn't even want to say this, because it sounds overdramatic and if somebody said it to me I would never believe them) - when this happens, it feels like somebody told me my grandpa died (which he did, 4 or 5 years ago.) It feels like that, something I can't fight or get past because of how horrible it is. And him wanting me to curl up with a good book is like him wanting me to ignore my grandpa's death five minutes after it happened.

I realize that being in the first stage of taking this medication takes the panic attacks away, but it almost makes me depressed at times. I'm waiting for it to get better. He says we can make it, and I believe him, but somehow the thought doesn't help.

Post Edited (kcconcarne) : 1/1/2014 6:06:02 PM (GMT-7)

Thank you, SC, for replying. Just seeing a reply helps.

My boyfriend is my favourite person. That's why, when we struggle with this, it's so hard for me to cope with potentially hurting him or him inadvertently hurting me.

I will definitely try the breathing exercises, since I've had a stress headache all day and can barely lie down without frowning or clenching my jaw. Earlier, when I came home and packed my bag with food and he thought I was leaving, he said something I don't think he was really think about. Eff you! He's never said anything like that to me before and I can't stop dwelling on it. He's apologized since then, but for other things. I don't think he even remembers (being very ADHD.) I can't get my thoughts away from it.

I need to eat, and I need to breathe. Sadly, those things sound really, really hard.

Just had a talk with my boyfriend. Or, he had a talk with me. The look on his face when I reminded him of what he said was enough to tell me he regretted it. It was a good talk, essentially, but having been very withdrawn my whole life about personal things, I could hardly bring myself to respond to what he said. I'm getting better at that, but days like today I still get that little voice in my head telling me to shut up, deal with it by yourself.

Since I didn't say all I wanted to say - or much of anything - I'm still tearing up, still haven't eaten, but I'm breathing better. It's incredibly hard at the moment to get past the "nothing will ever be better just give up now" feeling that I'm sure you're familiar with.

There's something strange sort of helping me keep a level head on days like this - I retreat to the bedroom, and there's a dent in the wall where, before I was on medication, I was kicking at the walls during a particularly bad panic attack. I've definitely had the urge to throw a punch or two and scream at the top of my lungs since then, but I've kept myself (mostly) quiet. Sometimes I breathe too heavily, and I gasp, but I haven't regressed to complete loss of physical and mental control.

It's difficult to remember that I'm actually getting better.

That is really great news! Thanks for the update.;) It is encouraging to others to know that things do get better given time.

I hope that it continues to be good progress for you from here on...and that you will continue to post with us.

Keep up the positivity and good work!

Talk to you soon.

S.C.