Help with unwanted and distressing OCD thoughts? :(

Hi! I'm a 14 year old girl with anxiety (mainly emetephobia/panic disorder and OCD, but my OCD doesn't involve any compulsive behaviors, just obsessive thoughts that are unwanted and that intrude when they're unwanted.) And my anxiety has basically made my life a living hell since the end of October after it had been good for over a year (I suffered almost no anxiety and I was truly living my life and I LOVED it!) yet at the end of October, it started again. I just started high school this year, and I loved it at the beginning, but now it's hell. It makes me so anxious and I constantly have panic attacks and feel like gagging/throwing up. But my main concern is now my OCD. Recently, my OCD has been very bad (it always is in the winter) and it seems that the focus this year is self harm. I've had this since 6th grade and it's a different unwanted obsession each year, but this year, I'm TERRIFIED that I'll go crazy and kill myself. My brain seems like it thinks of the worst possible thing that could happen, like last year, I would get terrifying thoughts about throwing myself in front of a train (Let me lake it clear that I DO NOT WANT TO DIE OR THROW MYSELF IN FRONT OF A TRAIN!!) and the year before I was afraid of cutting myself, and I would actually avoid anything sharp that could cause harm (Knives, scissors, sharp objects, and even forks!) and I still do that to this day because I'm so afraid that I'll suddenly lose control and somehow harm myself! Each year the obsessive unwanted thought is different, it's been fears of self harming, being a lesbian (something that's fairly sinful in my Catholic religion), hurting others, killing myself, jumping in front of a car, and jumping in front of a train. I know I would NEVER do these things, but when I say that, my anxiety comes up with all these what ifs such as "What if you go crazy?" "What if this isn't just your anxiety?" "What if you snap and do one of these things?" "What if I finally act out on these?" and they're the most distressing thoughts EVER. Whenever I have them, my whole body feels almost frozen, and my brain feels out of control and I get a surge of fear throughout my head and whole body (if that makes any sense) and I act extremely quiet and I panic. I'm terrified that I'm going crazy and this is ruining my life :( I recently started Zoloft for anxiety only and I'm on 25mg or something (it's a subtheraputic dose) and I read somewhere that it can give you suicidal thoughts, which is making my anxiety so bad and I'm scared that these thoughts are real and being caused by the medicine, but they're probably not. I tried telling my therapist and she literally just told me to call 911, and I tried explaining that it's ANXIETY and UNWANTED thoughts about harm and suicide but she repeatedly told me that I should just call 911 if I'm feeling hopeless, but I'm not. I also told my mom (She's extremely understanding, but I felt so guilty and insane for telling her, but she helped to convince me that it's anxiety- but still it's not fun to tell your own mother who loves you to death that you're having unwanted obsessive thoughts about suicide.) Normally these thoughts start to go in March when the weather is nice once again and I regain my life back, and they're completely gone over the summer. I'm sick of this cycle, when I'm not having these obsessive thoughts my life is amazing and I'm extremely happy go lucky, but when I'm having them they're overbearing, overwhelming, and they make me really miserable. Will the Zoloft erase these thoughts? Is there any kind of treatment (beside CBT and medicine) that could help me out? Thanks so much, I really hope I don't seem crazy :( Is this normal for OCD or do I have something worse like Schizophrenia or am I just crazy? :(

My 14 y/o niece went through a very similar situation with her anxiety. It was awful. She had a hard time staying in school (would often walk out of class due to panic attacks) and would have obsessive thoughts on a daily basis. My sister found her a psychiatrist that specializes in anxiety and OCD and she was also put on Zoloft. After about 6 months of treatment she is doing great. You would never even know that she had ever dealt with anxiety or OCD. I hope you have the same outcome. Good luck to you! Just focus on getting better, stay positive and you will be fiber!

Hi savingkie and welcome!

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. It is hard enough to just be your age, and start high school without the added burden of anxiety.

First of all, I would encourage you to check any guilt, or feeling of dissapointing/burdening your family, at the door...and don't look back! You have a disorder that you did not ask for, cause, or simply change without help. Mental issues are really no different from suffering a physical illness, and you certainly would not feel bad about being sick, right? This is the same principal, and you mom is aware of this.:)

Second...I have to agree with both Display and R.H. I think that you and your parents should look at seeking another professional to help you. It sounds like your therapist is either overextended/overworked, or does not know how to best help you. I would also encourage you to talk to your prescribing doctor about your anxiety vs. side effects concerns regarding your Rx and thoughts of self-harm. He/she should be able to talk you through the things that you need to be aware of.

Another thing that I think you might want to have checked are your Vitamin D levels. Have you ever heard of SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder happens when people's Vitamin D levels drop during the winter months...due to reduced sunlight. If you tend to spend time indoors, do not drink milk, or eat other Vit D rich foods, this could be causing your increased symptoms in the Fall and Winter. I believe that this could be easily checked with a blood test from your regular docotr/GP

I am glad to hear that you are in therapy/CBT. How long have you been in treatment? Have you found any benefit thus far?

We have a great Resource section here. (see link below) There are great self-help ideas and information in there that you may find useful. Check it out and see if anything could be of help to you.:)

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=104206

Keep posting with us as well. Support is key, and we are here to understand and care!

Talk to you soon,

S.C.