Back again, feeling down, feeling trapped and guilty.

Hey. So, I've been on Bupropion SR for anxiety for almost three months now. The first two months were terrible: stomach pains, trouble staying asleep, headaches, decreased appetite and nausea, etc. I've posted this before, but in case you didn't see it and maybe want some background (this might be long): when I was having the panic attacks, it was once every two or three weeks, usually on weekends. I've always thought of myself as just plain antisocial, but in the past few years being around people straight up drains me. Having coffee with my best friend for more than an hour has me itching to go home, and as time goes by every laugh and smile is forced and gets more fake by the minute.

The Bupropion took the panic attacks away (I've had only one since taking them) but they've decreased my mood quite a lot. Any little thing upsets me, and I cry, and it's affecting my relationship. My boyfriend has gotten a lot better at understanding that I'm not really angry or upset with him, but with myself and the pills. However, he's human, and sometimes on bad days he gets defensive before he has time to think things through.

The past week or so has actually been pretty good. The side effects have drastically decreased and I'm usually in a good mood. I don't have to force myself to eat (as much). I've been really proud of myself and excited that things finally seemed to be looking up.

Tonight, my boyfriend's son came over, as he does every other weekend for the whole weekend. I love him very much, and I've known him for around half his life. But, well, he's an extra person in the house, and on top of that, it's the weekend. My boyfriend loves having people over. Not a lot of people anymore, and it's not like he has huge parties or anything. But nonetheless I have to retreat to the bedroom.

Also, I wasn't feeling well physically today. The side effects have come back. My boyfriend and his son were being sort of loud out in the living room and I had a headache and I was feeling incredibly irritated. When I went to get some aspirin I made a comment about them being annoying.

My boyfriend got defensive. It wasn't an argument, we barely said five words to each other, but it was enough to have me lying in the dark alternately trying to breathe properly or having thoughts of hurting myself. These I can control, I've never hurt myself before, but they've increased in frequency since starting the Bupropion.

I went for a very long walk in the rain, came back soaked and not as calm as I was aiming for. I came back to the bedroom immediately. My boyfriend came in and before he could say anything I asked him to please, leave me alone. I said it a few times, as he kept trying to say he didn't know what to do, asking me what to do, etc.

But of course I don't know what he should do! I don't even know what I should do. I do NOT have enough in me tonight to keep the both of us happy. He's upset because this tends to happen when his son comes over. It's not the fact that it's his son, it's that I have to be a lot more active when he's here and it exhausts me, even when I'm not on the pills. My boyfriend tells me, and I know it's true, that I need to be strong. He'll be there for me, but I need to pull myself through this, not be pulled through it.

Well, tonight was a bad night following several good nights. That fact made it hit harder than it might have otherwise. I hear my boyfriend's son laugh and it actually bothers me. I hate that. Tonight I AM NOT strong enough to be social and make everybody happy. I might have just enough in me to stay in here, and cry quietly, and not hurt myself.

I'm very trapped in the bedroom. I'm frustrated that, after all the talks my boyfriend and I have had, he still snapped straight to being defensive. I know it's a lot (a lot a lot) to ask him to realize that I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at the situation. I'm frustrated with him, yes, and tonight I'm feeling very selfish. Before I did my utmost to keep us both happy, or at least not angry. But tonight I am utterly drained. I feel empty. I'm running on empty, but I have to keep going anyway.

It's taking a lot of effort not to freak out. Not to rip the sheets off the bed and bang on the walls. I was doing so well and I've fallen back to square one.

Am I allowed to be selfish? Instead of lying here for hours trying to calm myself down enough just to tell him what's going on inside my head, can I ask to be left alone? I know it'll hurt him. But I'm done I'm empty I'm angry and I really, really want to just - be asleep. To not have to deal with myself. It's an effort not to shout at anybody who tries to talk to me. Instead I ask them to leave me alone, go away, GO AWAY, and I don't sound nice doing it. I hate this. Because I feel justified in being frustrated that he is frustrated the moment my good days end.

(I don't know if it's relevant, but my boyfriend recently threw out his back and I've been sort of taking care of him for a couple days. Not anything major, we both make our own food, and he's been going to work, but it worries me how much pain he's in just getting up off the couch. That may be adding to the stress, I don't know.)

We do have some really good talks. But it's beginning to feel like it's the same really good talk whenever something happens.

The problem with asking him to read something is that he's very ADHD. He's on the maximum dose of medication for it, actually. He has a book about ADHD and he's never read it because he can barely get a page into it.

He came to me and I was still feeling trapped, and edgy, and I was struggling with staying calm while he talked. It was very hard to reply. Most of the time, I just didn't, because silence was all I could manage. It wasn't an angry conversation, but the happiest I can feel is ... not angry. Otherwise, I'm irritated, I'm down, I'm straight-faced and feeling anxious.

He's got company at the moment, and said, "Do you want me to be in here with you?" which is a really awful question, I think, even though he has nothing but good intentions. Of course I want him to be with me, he's the only person I'm comfortable around and I'm in a bit of a spiral. But telling him I want him in here with me is tantamount to saying I want him to kick out his friend and ignore his son. Whether I say yes or no, it's wrong, because one way I'm selfish and one way I'm lying. If I had said yes he wouldn't have stayed because he can't, but he would have felt bad for the rest of the night. So I said nothing.

He is the only person who doesn't make me anxious and uncomfortable. But he's an extremely social person. I love him more than anything, but it's hard.

I've calmed down physically. But in my head I'm still sad, frustrated, trapped. I feel better but I don't.

I am really sorry that this is such a hard time for you right now. When you say 'hurt' yourself, if you are feeling suicidal, then I urge you to reach out and tell your boyfriend, so that you can get the help that you need.

You can also use these Resources.

Crisis Information

• If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately.

• If you believe you may be suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) immediately, or consult their website at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. They are available 24/7 for anyone in suicidal crisis in the United States.

• *****************************************************
  
  I would always rather over react than under react. Therefore if this was not your intent, then I am sorry for the over reaction. However, you do need to get help if these thoughts are suicidal and continue.
  
  Can you make an appointment to talk to your doctor Monday? I think that you probably need to consult with him/her about how to proceed.
  
  I am hoping that you got some sleep, are feeling better and will let us know how you are doing soon.
  
  S.C.

I got past the urge to hurt myself ... I always have. It just felt a lot closer this time, I guess. I physically struggled with it, I was tense, trying not to cry ... got through it, though.

I was already planning to make an appointment with my doctor. I'm going to call on Monday, and I can usually get in within a day or two. I was not feeling suicidal. I never have, thankfully.

I am willing to try different medications, and I'm going to talk to my doctor about how I've been feeling, if therapy is an option, etc. But of course the thought of starting this process over again and paying for therapy is stressful in itself.

I doubt I got four hours sleep last night. Being on my own, while usually preferable, is making me anxious - since I left the house for half an hour and came back to an empty home, without a call or anything (which I usually get, if my family is going anywhere and I'm not around.) Being so tired, and hungry, and on edge - and then leaving for half an hour and coming back to an empty house, it's all added up and I'm not sure what to do.

EDIT: the house is no longer empty. Boyfriend came in, said hi, stared at me for a moment after I said hi back, and left the room. I have always, always had a hard time reaching out to people. Talking literally takes a concentrated effort for me. So I'm in here alone again when I don't think I should be, but I can't face him and his son both at once feeling this way. I'd be stealing him from his son if I asked him to come be with me. I'm trapped again, and starting to shake.

Post Edited (kcconcarne) : 1/11/2014 4:17:25 PM (GMT-7)