I'm new here...hope I can find what I am looking for

Hi there! I am 34 and have had a bit of anxiety my entire life, it hit a peak at 24 after having a child and losing someone very dear to me, and I have had panic disorder with agoraphobia since then. I went through the whole nervous breakdown period when I can actually remember my life before and after the period that changed my life and my mind. I was suicidal from meds that didn't work for me. I had many tests because I refused to believe that I could feel so bad from something that was "in my head." Turns out I was healthy as ever in every way except mentally and emotionally. I tried to handle it on my own after a few failed attempts at finding a counselor. I let my primary care doc put me on a med and then I just "suffered" through the next 6 years. When I got pregnant with my second child, I knew I needed something more to be able to be the mom they deserve and to be able to finally not feel the huge weight of anxiety. I have had an amazing psychiatrist for the past 4 years now. I am doing CBT, a little "flooding", tons of emotional work about my past and my fear of failure and imperfection. I have two healthy and awesome kids. I have a supportive husband. But what I don't have is anyone around that knows how this darn baggage feels like on a daily basis. I don't have anyone that can understand that going out to eat is like a huge event for me. Or that planning a trip feels like more work than not taking a vacation at all. Or that panic disorder makes you feel like you have a bright, flashing sign and someone will notice it while you are out and then you become the center of attention, which you would like to avoid at all costs, so it becomes easier just to stay at home. So I guess you could say, I am looking for friends. :)

welcome mrs c, what she said! i also can identify with so much of what you told us, and whenever things are getting too much for you, something unexpected happens, or even when something wonderful comes into your life, we want to hear about it. we are here to encourage and pray for you, and just to listen when there is no one else. i really hope you find what you need here, and i m sure that your experiences will help someone else along the way, blessings to you and yours. ps, when i said "whatt she said" i meant what the wonderful wannafeelbetter wrote before me. sometimes i don t express myself very well

Thanks guys...I think the worst part about having this disorder is just feeling alone. There is a huge stigma about mental illness and people don't want to admit that they have anything for fear of being judged. I will definitely stick around. :)

Carolyn

Hi Carolyn,
I love your screen name -- I think it could have been mine. I am impressed with what you are doing on your journey. So much of your post resonated with me. I won't derail your introductory thread with tales of my woes (being a bit dramatic here ;), but wanted you to know that you most certainly aren't alone.

--kate