Posted 4/10/2014 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
First let me appologize a head of time for this is probably goingbto be a long post, as you willsee i tend to ramble.
First I'd like to say it is soooooooo nice to know i am not the only one who is feeling the way i feel or going threw the things i go threw.
Second ill take you on a lil journey threw my daily battles, again i appologize. I was first diagnosed with anxiety when i was 19 when i noticed i would get dizzy and lightheaded when i drove. Being a pasaanger was just fine and i find if i chewed gum it seemed to help. However, i think i have had anxiety since i was a small child but it only seemed to rear its ugly head at bedtime or in a quite room when my mind would race and the fear of dying, especially in my sleep or trying new things for example rides at an amusement park. That was the extent of it, that is until march 2004 when i was in a car accident where the car i was riding in hit a patch of black ice, fish tailed,went in a ditxh and rolled a few times, thankfully i had next to no injuroes except a bump on my head and concusion. But after that i started having almst constant anxiety especially when in a public area. Then the feeling like i was going to stop breathing set in and went to urgent care many times as i was alone due to my husband at that time was in the military and deployed or doing training of some sort or something and i became terrifed thinking something was going to happen to me and no one was there to help me and i would die. Shortly after this all started i found ot i was pregnant with my first child, my issues continued but got a tiny bit worse, i always thought i left my stove on and on many occasions would actually be late for work due to turning around to make sure it wasnt on leaking gas into my home which of course it wasn't, it got even a lil more worse after i had my son in 2005 where i had to chew my food forever before i could swallow for fear of choking, especially at a resturant, but thankfully it didnt last to long. 6 months after my son was born my husband again got deployed and this time i had 2 people to worry about so que anxiety. Thakfully during this deployment i eventually made friends with some ladies on my street which helped a lot. When my sin was about 16nths old i found out i was pregnant with my second child. This pregnancy was much differnt as in my anxiety actually seemed to improve for a while execpt that almost everytime i stood i would get lightheaded and almost black out. After my second sons birth things pretty much stayed the same but i was able to manage it for the most part. In 2010 my husband and i got divorced,during our seperation i met my current husband and things appeared to get better for a while (with the exception of some issues still driving mainly long distances or somewhere new). Then in 2010 i had a very stressful year,i was suprised to find out my boyfriend of 5 months (now my current husband) and i were expecting, he wasn't exactly thrilled at first, my boys were abruptly taken from me to live with there father (long story short we had an agreement they would live with him until i was finacially stable to care for them, but we had agreed i would keep them with an impending deployment in his future, during this time i decided i was going to start a change if custody since i couldnt bare the thought of not neing woth my boys after being with them basically everyday since i had gotten pregnant with them, but his mother had other plans,thankfully i was only apart from them for about 4 months and i won the custody battle, but i digress), my husband was preparing to deploy, and i had the weight of packing up our home and move myself back to my hometown so i had my family and friends around when i had our daughter since he sadly wouldnt be there, the trip home, since i was driving, was horrible even though it was only a 3 hour trip it took a bit longer,it was a very anxiety filled trip thankfully i had my best friend with me which helped to a point especially since she suffers from anxiety also especially while driving. I had my ups and downs during this time,the feeling that i couldnt breath returned mainly at times when i was alone. Then in January of 2011 is when things went downhill and have continued to spiral down sense then. One night while eating my throat seemed to seize as i was preparing to swallow which scared the beejeezes out of me and i have not been able to eat normally since, it is very frustrating. I have improved a lil here and there but no where near where i wish i was before that dreadful day, i constanlt feel im going to choke, but i was just fine drinking. In 2012 i moved 17 hours away from my family and friends and things remained the same for a while then suddenly drinkng became diffcult, feeling like again i was going to choke or drown on it, then my diving anxiety got even worse, i cant even handle being a passanger, i cant even swallow saliva while im in a vehicle so i tend to hold it in my mouth until i can get out of the vehicle or i try to swallow very lil portions of it, sometime i drool on my self due to this, thats always fun and not at all embarrasing. And trying to swallow pills is not even an option. Oh and the looks i get when i explain to people why i dont eat (especially around people or in public (i go to resturants and pick at and play with my food til everyone else is done then get a to go box and take it home and take almost the rest of the night to eat at least some of it)is the look of uh ok your nuts. These ddays i eat a lot of junk basically, i try to find ways to incorporate fruit and veggies in my day but it doesmt happen as oftenbas it use to, i cant even tell you the last time i ate a salad which is very dissapointing as i use to LOVE fresh fruits amd veggies, these days my fruit is blended into liquid form like a smoothy , and steamed brocoli is one thing i cam usually eat as long as its super soft. Meats are very difficult to try and eat, but i try and usually end up spitting it out. My husband tends to get frustrated with me due to all this and the fact that im terrifed of taking medication even if i could swallow pills. I have had many people think i had an eating disorder and a few that thought i had drug problems due to my weight lose.
Anxiety has had a major impact on my life dispite my attempts to ignore/control it. I had to give up my dreams of being a nurse since every symptom someone mentions they have from an illness i will feel something like it and think i have it. I cant read side effects of medication weather im taking it or a family member or else i convince myself im having thise side effects, let me tell you being on borth control is a constant battle thinking im having a heart attack or stroke. I even have anxiety for other people. I am trying to find a counselor to help me work on my anxiety and have actually pondered seeking a hypnotherapist just to see if that would help. I would love to be a "normal" person , although on good days the "normal" feeling sometimes scares me, but id rather get use to feeling normal everyday then having constant worry and fear.
Well i guess that is all about me in a nut shell. To anyone who actually tool the time to read this i appologize if i bored you and for spelling errors, typing on a phone isnt always easy, especially with a novle like this.