Concerned about pregnancy and health

I'm going to be totally honest with you. Please believe it is out of a place of goodness and I'm not judging or trying to belittle you.  It kinda upsets me when I hear things like this because I had a very hard time getting pregnant when I was young, and with help of fertility drugs I did manage to get pregnant. I had a really scary delievery and the baby and I almost died due to complications. We made it, but six months later I found out my baby had cerebal palsy. I was a young mother with no family support and knew nothing about raising a handicapped child. My husband at the time divorced me cause he couldn't take it so now I really was alone. But I did it, it was hard very very hard. What I'm trying to say is, now that you are pregnant, you should feel blessed. I was never able to have anymore children.

If you were not sure you really wanted to have a baby then you should have used birth control. Having an abortion because you have changed your mind is sad and it is hard for me to feel for you. Now , that being said, get some family support, talk to a therapist, call a mental health facility, do something.

Deborah, I completely understand and respect your opinion. I do see a therapist and have recently begun taking Zoloft. What you don't know is that I also used fertility treatment to get pregnant with my first child and also with this one. No one is more shocked by how I feel, than me. It is not a matter of having changed my mind, it is me saying that I have suddenly hot such a dark place that I am scared for myself. I can't get out of bed to take care of my current child. I'm afraid of whether or not I can survive a pregnancy feeling this way. I'm afraid that having a new child will push me into a hole that I may never crawl out of. I would never just say, oh well, I've changed my mind. I feel like something black is eating away at my soul. I'm terrified of these feelings. I'm having nightmares and wake up in a state of panic. My heart races all day and I cry in front of my sweet baby boy and he looks so scared. I'm barely functioning. I'm questioning whether I am stable enough to being another life into this world. I am getting the help that I need, but I don't know if it's enough.

I am a man therefore my opinion is just that, my worst fear is
how you will feel after an abortion, you are not going to be in
this dark place the rest of your life, there is no half way to this
decision, I know you feel down now, how will you feel later when
you have to deal with the end results of this decision. I will Pray
for you, just remember you are in charge here, think with your
heart, as well your mind, May God Bless you with the decision
you need. Peace
Larry ***

Hi everyone.

Deborah, I have amazing family support. For the past few weeks, my mother spends two days a week with my son and I, the other two I have a babysitter to help me and then Fridays my husband works from home. They're making sure that I'm never alone. I spoke to my fertility doctor this morning and he feels that a major cut in the dose of honors that I'm on, may make a huge difference. I recently went through IVF and have been doing progesterone shots, which are known for causing severe mood changes, as well as estrogen patches, that can also cause depression.

My husband and I have agreed that we will not make any decisions until we've given my body a full two weeks to get rid of some of these hormones and also to see if the Zoloft starts to help. I'm currently on Day 3 of the medication and while I know it can take awhile, I'm hoping for a quick miracle.

Larry, how I will feel after an abortion is definitely something I'm thinking about long and hard. Unfortunately when I'm feeling so dark, I think I will feel relief and never look back, but in the moments of peace and when I look at my son, I think that I will regret not giving him a greater family. I just need to remind myself that I am so early in this pregnancy and this decision does not need to be made today.

S.C. Thank you for that information. I will definitely look into this. Additionally I've left a message for my therapist and will be seeing him twice a week for awhile, until I get some clarity.

Please know that I am trying to be responsible and make the best decision possible. As someone who struggles with infertility and has been through multiple fertility cycles, I certainly value life. I've just never been in a place like this before. My thing is panic attacks and suddenly now, I am experiencing major depression on top of that and it has put the fear of G-d in me.

Thank you all for being here for me.

I agree the hormones ugh, thats a huge anxiety booster. Been there done that. Hugs.

Please keep us updated. I'm thinking of you tons and sending lots of good healing thoughts. Lean on us now, this is a tough one. I'm glad your family is so supportive too. One day, one hour or one minute at a time. Just do the best you can right now. It will get better!

I don't think there are any tricks so to speak, but just keep reminding yourself that it will go away. I am super confident that once you cut back on the hormones it will help immensely. I found magnesium helped me. I would check with your doctor first though since you are pregnant. Maybe have your levels checked? Are you taking a pre-natal vitamin?

Great! How much are you taking? Once you cut back on the hormones and the magnesium and Zoloft start to kick in I'm sure you will feel much better! I know different meds work differently for different people so talk to your doctor if the Zoloft doesn't help after a while. Maybe they can switch you to something else. Or, maybe just cutting back on the hormones and using the magnesium will be enough? I don't know...just thinking out loud.

I will be honest with you. I do not believe in abortion. Period. But I am trying to not go there as all that will do is cause a debate and that will lead nowhere. So with that out in the open, let me also say this. There have been times when I honestly thought that there was never going to be a better day. I wanted to literally die. I was so panicky and anxious everyday, all day long. I woke up anxious and went to bed anxious. I would cry when I woke up because I did not want to face it.
Getting better did not happen overnight. But the point is that I DID get better! What if I had did something to myself based upon how I felt at that time? Of course, I could never have "undone" it. What you are considering is the same. If you do go through with it, you can never undo it.
My love for my family kept me from stopping my mental anguish "once for all time"! And I imagine that although you hate to see your child sad because of your anguish right now, he's also one of the reasons you get up everyday. I hope that you will think of your unborn child in the same light. One day, it might just be that child that brings you the greatest happiness a child can bring to its mother!
You know, I am only here because my Dad, who was a boat captain, had an accident on the boat, so he had to come home a week or two early. So my parents' wedding was moved up to an earlier date. Guess who was a "honeymoon baby"? Yep! ME!
My folks had two daughters, me and my sister. My sister cares about my Mom in her own way, but even though she only lives about 4 or 5 miles away, she seldom sees my Mom. Guess who does everything she can for my Mom? Me. But I almost wasn't even conceived in the first place....
Anyhow, I hope that you see what I'm trying to say. Please don't do something so drastic based upon how you feel right now. Things WILL get better! I KNOW! I AM proof!
janet

MissGiGi, I'm on 400mg if the mag for about a week or so now. I am praying that the real change comes from cutting the hormones.

lmazy, can you give any more info as to how you made it through to the other side?

Just so everyone knows, I am pro-choice, HOWEVER, I do not believe abortion is a tool to use to correct a mistake, I do not believe it should be used EVER as birth control, etc. I believe abortions are for very extreme circumstances and right now, I consider my situation extreme. I am by no means running to get an abortion. I am talking these thoughts through with you all and my family and my doctors and even select friends. As you ALL know, mental health is a very delicate thing and right now I'm most concerned about being around and healthy for my current son and my husband. I of course care about the baby I'm carrying, but I have to consider life as a whole and not just this. I posted on a forum and I expect opinions, but I cannot handle any judgment right now. I am teetering on the edge and I'm just looking for some support. I have a lot of fears about PPD as well and as irrational as they may be, they feel real to me. Please be considerate of my emotional state right now. IVF alone is a battle and when you add to that what I'm feeling right now, it is almost impossible to handle.

Thanks for everyone's understanding.

I think that you are very brave to share this very personal struggle with us. I know that is what we all do here, share personal struggles, but this one can get very tricky to navigate given the strong feelings on either side of the issue. The most important thing right now is to help, listen and support you. I can't even begin to imagine the enormity of what you are feeling right now. I am here to help and not judge you at all. I hope that is what you've taken from my messages.

I can imagine how very real the fear is that this will continue once your baby arrives. That you will have PPD. The one good thing is that you are addressing this now and IF you were to have problems with PPD then you would have a game plan to deal with it and you wouldn't be caught off guard with it like many women are. Just some thoughts.

Larry- I can't speak for our friend here, but I think your messages were kind, caring and thoughtful. As per usual. You are an amazingly supportive person that we all are lucky to have around here!

I just wanted to say I'm praying for you and your family. I hope you can find some peace, no matter what you decide to do. I wish I had more I could say that would be helpful. Keep talking here. There are so many people who care about you.