this is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it !!!!!!!
happy sunday everyone !! iam thankful i woke up this morning ! what are you thankful for ?
hi everyone , i dont want to complain really i dont , i take every piece of pain and just still give God Glory !
the last month has been a bitter cycle for me and i feel like im back where i was 2 years ago with this ...
when they say its a cycle , indeed it is !!!!
wow aug 2012 it all started and now its sept 2014 ...and im still going through this ....
my chest pain is so bad that up and down my arm hurts , my jaw and face hurts , my back , it feels like peanut butter is smothered over my chest and my chest cant breathe , i have aches and pains all over and i cant sleep , i feel nervous and anxious and at any given moment something is wrong with my chest and i will need to go to the hospital , i have bad dreams but they seem so real , i woke up 2 nights in a row 3am and just went into prayer , i have fear and im just not myself .... i been back on ativan 0.5 for the last two weeks or so , and it dont help ....
maybe a little .... i hold my chest all day long even when i sleep .....
i press my way to work and i be so misrable and uncomfortable that it effects my work , i live around the corner from my job and im always late , i dont do any over time , i watch the clock all day long .... its no way to live ... i work 80 hours every two weeks but i only been working 60 ...because im leaving early or calling out ,i make up excuses why i cant go certain places or do certain things , i was here when they first started and then the chest stuff went away , i had every test know to man even my cardiac cath all good .... i was at the er the other day .... everything good .....after my chest pains went away it was my stomach , i couldnt eat , stomach was burning etc .... they went down my stomach 3 different times nothing but a little acid , i have omeperzole for that ......then bam after a year of chest stuff ,they headaches and head pain started , it was a nightmare , i had an eeg done , mri , ct scan , etc ....found nothing ....my head pain was horrible , pass out feeling , bury vision , etc .... a nightmare , then the fingers tingling and toes tingling started , dizzness , etc .....
i tired a few pills over the 2 years nothing really worked or shoild i say was not on anything long enough ....
a few months ago i was on 25mg zoloft for about
a month , it did help me a lil but it gave me weird chest stuff so i stopped it , but funny thing was the day i stopped it i had the best 3 days of my life i felt so good , so i thought ok that was strange after i stop its all good ....
now i back to square one , the chest pain again ... and it seems worst then ever uhhhhhhh ....
my face poppin , im gaining weight again in a matter of a month ... my mouth is always watering , i have bad bad thoughts of some sort of sickness , ,,,,
and when i say i been tested i mean tested ...lupus , lyme , all types of stuff i never even heard of .....
im 36 yrs old and when i was seven my mom died she was only 27 years old she died from Aids that was back in the 80"s where meds are not like they are now , i didnt see my father until i was 21 and had my son , i seen him a few times in my youth .....im an only child i always was strong been on my own since 17 yrs old , made a way for myself , been through some really rough times , and still overcame , i been through heartache , abuse - sexually , mentally and emontional ....... but im here i finish high school , i went to college .... i did good for my self .....i had my first and only child at 21 and things was good ....
went through a bad break up with his dad after 16 years , and then in 2012 anxiety hit , i was in the hospital for 5 days in sept 2012 , cause of things and in the hospital 2 other times overnight ... when they didnt know what was wrong it was a battle , i went to group threapy , one on one , seen many psych docs , etc ....seen tons of specialist and so on .......
may 2013 on my son's birthday he turned 13 and we found out he had cancer / leukemia ...... yessssssss !!! it was a long process and we lived at the hospital for months ...and so on ..... he is doing well and we made it through .... he still gets chemo once a month because with leukemia they still have to treat it as it is still there because it can come back ...... but he is now 14 and just still being a kid and doing kid stuff .......
im a mess !!! i been so so much , but i still thank God ... i still try my best to keep things moving .... im not a saint , i ask God for grace , mercy and forgiveness everyday .....
i dont know why this wont go away !!!!! i just want to live a be a mom to my son ..... right now my chest burning , my chest bones cracks , im in sooo much pain ..... i see a theripst and a psych ... i have ppl praying for me .....
why !!!! i dont understand this at all ..... i just want PEACE !!!!!! ........
sometimes i think that iam my own worst enemy ..... I know the word of GOD so why cant i apply it to my own life
im so broken and lost ...... i havent been to church in 4 or 5 months ... i went to church every sunday and was very active .......i think everyone is against me .....
i dont know what else to do ........ pls pray for me .........
i have faith that GOD will set me free ....from this horrible plauge !!!!
sorry for the spelling , im typing from my cell phone and it spells how it want to ....
thanks for listening ....
oh and my psych doc wants me to start zoloft again ....starting at 12.5 .....