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Im freaking out of death. Help!

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Posted 10/3/2014 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I have a history of anxiety disorder and panic attacks. At the moment I do handle them well. The only thing makes me scream in my heart is the thought of death. I literally want to scream and run somewhere. But there is no place to run. I'm going to die anyway. And that's freaks me out so bad. I'm 40yo, I have a son 2yr old. I lost my mother to cancer 3 years ago. Once she told me in the hospital "when death is so close it is not scary anymore", but just 2 days before she died she was crying like I never seen her like that before. She was crying that she is dying and she won't see us anymore. I don't believe in God. How can I find a peace? During the day I'm OK, but in the evening this fear comes. I love life so much, I love nature and everything around and this will be gone forever. Sometimes I think maybe it is good to get depression so I won't care that much (crazy thought!). Help me to put my mind away. Any book suggestion perhaps? (pls not the Bible, I don't believe in it, sorry).
Lana.
Posted 10/3/2014 11:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Lana!
I am truly sorry to hear that you lost your mom. Such things can leave scars in us and they are hard to accept.
I am not a religious person myself, even though in a different way I believe in creation. If you are not comfortable with religious books and all, you can try reading some spiritual books. They can give you some different point of view about death and life cycle.
I never believed that we live whole life just to lose everything we experienced in the end. But still I am very afraid of death. It is Normal for any human being.
Posted 10/4/2014 1:27 AM (GMT 0)
God is my peace


What do you think happens after you die-that you fear it so much?
Posted 10/4/2014 1:50 AM (GMT 0)
I think nothing happens. Die, that's it. I'm getting anxiety even typing these words. /you go to sleep and you never get up. I afraid of non-existence. I don't care if my particles will live in star dust forever, it won't be me anymore. Oh, I'm getting panic attack, that's how bad is my fear is. I can't even talk about. I need a lie, anything to hold and believe in it, but so hard to find that lie. I'm looking at my kid now and I want to cry. Life is unfair.
Posted 10/4/2014 2:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lana,

I really empathize with you here. I also have/had an extreme fear of death. It is so disheartening to think that we will leave the one's we love so dear. :( I am sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I bet your 2 year old is simply amazing and that probably makes things even harder.

I just want to give you some encouragement right now. You're going through a very tough time, but you can and will get through this. I haven't seen you post here before, so I don't know much about your story, but as with most anxiety, this too shall pass.

And I don't disagree with you that life is unfair. Bad things do happen to good people. Was your mother a believer? Just curious of where your feelings about God are stemming from?
Posted 10/4/2014 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't posted much since my mom died. When she was dying this is the only place I could find help, I thought I would not handle it alone and I'm grateful for this support. After my mom passed away it was difficult to return here (all memories, you know...)
Yes, I came from Christian family but we didn't go to church, neither prayed. My mom started to go to church when she got older. She was a good person, with really hard life, and it was hard to see her go (cancer hit her out of the blue, and it was too late to do anything). Looking at her during past years how slowly she diminishes from Earth, and how horrible cancer is, I can't believe in God, sorry. Looking at these poor kids dying from hunger, no, that's not God's intention. Somehow ******s lives more happy than honest people and I have to believe that they are going to hell later? I think that people created God to control other people and from fear of death. Well, it is long subject, and my English far from perfect so I don't even go there. I do have respect for believers (honest ones!), and somehow I envy them. At least they believe in afterlife (bad or good, at least something). I was so hoping to see my mom in my dreams, at least something - anything, any sign, feel her touch, saying something good. But nooo, all my dreams about her is how I'm trying to save her and screaming to people "help"...

I'm having best time of my life now, honestly. I couldn't even imagine that having a kid would change my life THAT much. So much love!! I couldn't imagine that I can love somebody like that. But this fear of death gets me and not letting me have quiet evenings. When everybody goes to sleep or quiet in the room these thoughts are crawls to me. When nice beautiful evening I hear wind playing with leafs, such a perfect evening sound, the thought of death right there (like "this is going to end you want it or not"). I was looking for a books to read but haven't found anything yet, I thought somebody would advice me something. Keeping busy helps a lot, but these evenings... grrrr... I can make my self cry in a sec just thinking about.
Posted 10/4/2014 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Lana,
We are alike in a few ways. My mom died of cancer and my dad a massive heart attack. I also hate death and have anxiety about it. I was doing okay for a while and not thinking of it, but recently people have died that were close to me. Also I had to put my dog down as well a month ago. Honestly I don't think we actually fear death, but we fear not being here anymore. We think about all the people we will miss as well as other things we won't be around for. Life does go on and we have to face that it will happen. I do believe in god however and don't believe I won't be a part of my loved ones once I'm gone. I just have been trying to focus on living rather than dying because I cannot control that. I can control making memories. My biggest fear with dying is not watching my daughter grow up.. Wishing you some comfort and peace in your life and just know your not alone..
Posted 10/4/2014 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
I'm with Paddi, the fear of my daughters not having their mom is the saddest thing I can think of. That is where my fear of dying comes from. I do believe in God. I mean, I am an absolute nature lover and I have to think someone put together this beautiful world. I'm not sure I believe in heaven, in the cloud city sense. Maybe heaven is being the breeze that blows on a loved ones face while riding a roller coaster. Or maybe heaven is what I want it to be...riding in my dads speed boat across my favorite lake, warm sun and an amazing blue sky.
I am so sorry about your mother. i wish you the best on your journey.
Posted 10/4/2014 6:43 AM (GMT 0)
Lana,
It sounds like you really love your son. Do you think it might work if when you start to get anxious you could think/meditate on your love for him? Maybe write him a letter, or make him a list of all the things you love about him, or buy/print out a calendar and put a different way to express your love to him on each day of the year, or just start doing something nice for him.

A workbook a counselor had me work through years back was called "The Stress & Relaxation Workbook" (Davis, Eshelman, McKay). You can usually get it for around $6-7 from Amazon.com.

Take care. I feel for you. It is not easy to get past our fears, but I believe in you & know you can do it!!! :D
Posted 10/4/2014 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much, going to look for that book :-)
Posted 10/4/2014 2:24 PM (GMT 0)
Awe. I can sense how much you really truly loved your Mom, and how heartbreaking it must have been to see her go through that. Thanks for sharing that with us. A bond between a mother and daughter is a truly beautiful thing. I hope that you can find healing in this somehow. You might even find that the anxiety you are experiencing now is linked to your deep feelings for your Mom. :(

I hope you can find some stress relief ideas here, to at least help you get by. Do you have a counselor you can see about the grief you are experiencing? That will help to get lasting peace about your current fears.
Posted 10/4/2014 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry I missed couple of responses here.
Thank you for good words. Yes, I don't afraid of death it self, but I'm freaking out of not being here anymore. Like never, never, never, never, forever... I don't even understand that word "eternity", and it freaks me out!!!! I do enjoy my life most of the day at least :-) But when I left alone (either I'm in a bathtub, or getting ready to sleep, or everybody asleep and I'm the last one to go) these thoughts are coming and gets me. I'm thinking about my mom, I'm thinking about my son that I won't see him anymore one day, but I'm afraid more for my self. Animals are lucky in this way, at least they don't know they are going to die till the very end, be we got our smart brains. I've read some stories that older people loosing sanity so they don't understand what happening around. But unfortunately people dying earlier (like my mom), who was in excellent health before we knew she had a lung cancer (non smoker by the way) and when cancer spread to brain she got paralyzed but fully aware what's going on till the last day which was awful to witness! My mom was the best mother ever and best friend for me, she didn't deserve such a horrible death.

I was always afraid to die. I remember being around 13 yo and thinking about death would bring me to panic. I thought I will get older and I will get some peace. No, not easier at 40 either (wow, weird to type "40", I'm still 25 in my heart). I want to believe in God, really. So much easier to live knowing that somebody watching you and waiting for you! But no, I can't. I'm a "fact" person, if not proven - don't exist for me. I do go to church, putting candles for my mom, just because of tradition not because I believe in it. Million people born sick and babies die every day - why God wants to punish them and their parents? I underwent 4 surgeries at ages 2-3 year old. I probably will have another surgeries in the future. No, there is no place for faith in my heart. I believe in good things to do for other people, not doing some bad stuff and ask in church for forgiveness, it makes me sick when people do that. Oh, well... I don't know why I posted here. To pour my pain to another people with anxiety? Probably I will give more anxiety to some people and it is not good. I'm selfish right?
Posted 10/4/2014 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
No Lana it's not being selfish, we all do post here because we seek support. In these forums people try to help each other. All of us have different issues, and we try to ease each others worries. I am glad you are writing about how you feel.

I understand you really, as for myself I don't believe in heaven and hell actually I believe they are here on earth. It is hard to find an explanation for kids and good people suffering in the world.
Posted 10/4/2014 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
Lana,
We are here to share our joys & burdens, so no need to feel you're being selfish. Our own burdens are what cause us anxiety. Helping/encouraging a fellow human being reduced anxiety for normal people.

I live in the United States, but my family is from Sweden & there is a Swedish proverb that roughly translates to:

A shared joy is a double joy, a shared burden is half a burden.

I believe that with all my heart. When we stop holding our fears and stresses inside of us, but instead reach out to other people for help, wisdom, understanding and compassion, it lessens our own burden. That idea dates back to long before religions came into existence -- we are created to live in community. To work together, to share our lives with each other & that is what this HW community is for. When we can step outside of our own problems for a moment to help and encourage someone else, it pulls us out of our fear and anxiety into something better/higher/more evolved. Our own problems seem overwhelming. We can look at others' struggles objectively, without being tied down by a bunch of emotions. So, it's actually a blessing to be able to read your posts & offer what bit of encouragement we can in the hopes it might lessen your burden a bit. I hope you feel comfortable enough to keep posting. We're all really glad to have you here. tongue
Posted 10/4/2014 9:00 PM (GMT 0)
I first found this Forum when I was going through a very stressful event in my life as well. That's one instance where searching for answers made a positive difference (vs googling symptoms and letting the mind play tricks!)

As others have said, this is a support forum, and we're not here to judge your behaviours but rather to support you individually through your choices. Please feel free to post in ways that help you, feel free to reach out, and feel free to let go knowing that we have a great crowd here to catch you!





M.
Posted 10/4/2014 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Lovely thoughts Tirzah...I hope they help you Lana. I don't know that I can add anything of value to all the wonderful posts you have received, Lana, but I want you to know how genuinely I feel for the pain you are going through. And I also want you to know you are NOT a burden to any of us, as a matter of fact it's just the opposite....to be able to help another human being, especially one suffering with so many of the same fears and anxieties that we all share, does US alot of good too.

I am no longer a religious person; however, I like to think I am spiritual. Someone once said.."No afterlife is like an unsharpened pencil...there is no point." And i believe that. I don't believe in Heaven in the conventional sense, nor do I think God has to look like all the pictures we see. I prefer to think that God IS nature itself because nature is the most beautiful thing we have on this earth. Yes, sometimes nature is cruel too....but maybe God (nature) is showing his dissatisfaction with the way we are leading our life...wars, murders, etc. When you don't have "hope" you have nothing. Everything seems hopeless, useless and a waste of time. But if you have hope that something better will happen after death, it may take some of your fears away. I too think about it sometimes and get very scared, that's natural for all of us facing the unknown, but with hope it helps us get past it. The hope that you will see your mother again someday, that death will not be the terrible thing you envision right now but a step toward something greater. I realize these are words that are very hard to believe when you are having severe anxiety but I agree that alot of your anxiety stems from the loss of your mother who you loved so much. Keep your options open at least...say to yourself 'there IS something better to come and no matter what it is, it will be peaceful and good." Say it enough in times of anxiety, even when you don't believe it, and eventually you may begin to really "feel" it. In the meantime we are all here for you, anytime of the night or day....one of us is always awake suffering with so many of the same anxieties and fears that you have....so at least you know you're not alone.
Posted 10/4/2014 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
Very well said Andwes, I agree!
Posted 10/4/2014 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much! I got into tears reading your warm responses! I think people with anxiety disorders are the best people ever (honestly, I find them to be more softer and kinder than other people!). I even stopped speaking out about my panic attacks after some people made bad comments about (like "you are weak, you should be stronger, you probably spoiled so you get everything so personal", or "stop being like that otherwise you won't be able to be with other people"). People have no idea that panic attacks could be unpredictable and uncontrollable. I find this forum like escape to another world, where people similar to me, it's like another planet of people who understands me! You can't imagine how grateful I'm for your responses! Or probably you can imagine, because you KNOW me and what I'm going through.

Oh, I wish to see my mother and hug her again! I would give a lot just for one hug! (ok, ok, I'm going to cover my keyboard in tears again). If only I could believe in that! If anybody would come accross some books to read, pls post it here. I've already got some advice on stress workout book, but I need something to read about death and how to get in peace. I only wish that I will die THAT old so I truly will be ready for it, I would be really tired and die in peace. But these days so many cancers and other decease around that it is scary.

But I would say that I'm grateful that I'm not from country where wars or poverty and no food around. Somehow I'm worried about everybody and stopped watching news for that reason. Really, I wish all religions and nationalities would live in peace and help each other. It makes me really sad seeing human killing other human....

Thank you again.
Posted 10/4/2014 10:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lana,

I'm feeling for you and I know I can relate because I lost my dad who was my hero to cancer the year I turned 40- 14 years have passed.
I also had a fear of death when I was younger when my kids were small but no more.
However, sometimes words don't come out right...so I want to think about it before I write to you again. Please know- that if they don't come out right-it is not my intention to hurt or offend you in any way. I'm hoping I'll find the words to bring you comfort & peace.
Posted 10/4/2014 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, I agree Lana. I think ppl suffering from anxiety are some of the kindest, smartest and most compassionate people I have ever been in contact with. Maybe that's because we are so sensitive....and that sensitivity leads many of us into anxiety. We would all like people to "just get along" but sadly the world is not that way. I guess we all just have to do our small part to help eachother on this forum...maybe that was our calling.
Posted 10/4/2014 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Well said Andwes!

Lana,

Nice to meet you... Your story really touches my heart. Lana, I am pretty certain that there is nothing I can say to make you change your mind about "God" and its not my intent to make this post a "religious debate". But I can tell that you have been hurt..... You was so close to your mother and you loved her so much and then she was taken from you. I can only imagine your hurt and pain.

I wish I had an answer for you. All that I can tell you is that Gods way is higher than ours. Sorry if this sounds like a trite response but its really true. I can tell you this.... I am a better and stronger person today for all the pain, struggle, and difficult times that I experienced in the past. You said, you wanted a book referral. Let me give you a movie referral. Please try to have an open mind and rent the movie "God is not dead". It talks about why bad things happen to good people.

Lana, I am writing this with much love and I am not particularly trying to persuade you one way or another. But I do want to offer you my perspective and my experience in what you are struggling with. You said you are a "fact person"... It's a fact that Jesus Christ walked this earth 2000 years ago. He was a real person! He also performed miracles and these miracles were witnessed and documented. Jesus was sent to this earth by His father to seek and save those who are lost. Lana, I was exactly like you! But I put my faith and hope in Jesus Christ and it has truly changed my life and my perception of life in general.

I am a much happier person and I have a peace inside me that can only come from a higher divine. It's a Godly contentment... A simple prayer asking Jesus to come into your broken heart and to save you will change you forever and give you a peace inside that assures you that no matter what happens to you in this life, no matter how hard your struggle is, or how high your pain is that it's going to be alright. It's this Godly peace and contentment that keeps me sane and comforts me always.

Lana, you said not to mention the bible. But even if you are an atheist, the bible is the worlds best "self-help" book. It is full of wisdom and truth even for a "non-believer". I encourage you to read Psalms and Proverbs. I think you will find the answer to all of your concerns and questions.

Lana, I know this is not what you wanted to hear but I felt compelled to write it. I know your heart is broke and you are hurting and you are searching for something. If you can learn to "let go" and put all your problems in Gods hands, you will have a thousand pound brick lifted off your shoulders. Hope is a wonderful thing. That's what Jesus is... He's hope. Hope that one day when we die, that we will automatically be in His arms. Hope that we will one day be reunited with our loved ones (what a great day it will be when you embrace your mother and tell her how much you missed her).

Lana, I can tell that you are a good person. Your'ee just lost and looking for answers. I hope you believe me that I truly hope you find what you're looking for... You already know that you will find nothing but support and encouragement on here! Keep us posted!

PS. Please do not take this as shoving my religion in your face... As a matter of fact I don't like to call myself a religious person. I like to call myself a "Jesus" person. I do want you to know that I totally respect your views and beliefs. Hopefully, you can find something in my post to help you a little :)

Post Edited (Cornell) : 10/4/2014 6:03:13 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/5/2014 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
First I have a question for wearyRAsufferer - you said that you had fear of death before but no more. What changed your mind and how you found peace? Don't worry about the words, write what you feel and I will understand.

Answer to Cornell:
Than you for your time and effort! Truly appreciate! As I said earlier, I do respect people of all religions. My best friend is very religious and she is a Godmother of my son. She doesn't explain much why she believes, and I tell her the same thing "I want to believe but I can't". Jesus was real (I would think so), but I think miracles were created as beautiful fairy tales. Sorry if I insult you in any way, really don't mean it. I just write what I think. People always had Gods before (Fire, Water, Wind, etc..). They always prayed for something even killed people as sacrifices. I think these Gods were created from fear of death. Even Christian wars existed. Why would God always wants for people to kill other people? I lived in Muslim country for 8 years, and I've met the sweetest people there, but Christians hate them because of their religion. So, why God wants religious wars? Good people should suffer in order to get into Paradise? Am I going too far with my words? Please understand, that these are my personal feeling only. That's why I think that God do not exist (and million other reasons). But to clear my death' fears I'm want to believe in lie. I'm going to watch your suggested movie, and if something moves inside me I would be very grateful. I think people who prays are calmer, because it is form of meditation and it is healthy. If I can do that would be great, but not at the moment. I am open minded, so I'm open to any discussion (hope I don't go too far, forgive me in that case and blame my Baltic origin and not fluency in English :-) I find that some cultures have different mentalities, so I apologize if I hurt anyone.
Posted 10/5/2014 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Lana. You absolutely did not hurt anyone. I appreciate your true and heart felt honesty.

I can see your point but the God that I serve is the definition of "Love". I do NOT hate anyone, not atheists, not Muslims, not Jews,...no one! As a matter of fact, the Bible teaches us that God wants us to love our enemies (or the people who are against us). Can you imgaine that??? if we truly did what He would have us do and love our enemies, there would be no more war! Unfortunately, it's those radicals and extremists that shows a poor perception of our God. Believe me when I tell you that God hates to see us suffer, period!

Thanks again for your honesty.... It's refreshing to speak with someone who has different views and beliefs but can communicate in a loving and freindly way!

Hope you feel better soon, friend!
Posted 10/5/2014 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Lana this forum is a place where we can pour out our emotions and feelings, and nobody judges. The nice thing is we all have some form of anxiety and can relate to each other. One of my first posts I thought everyone was going to think I was crazy, but of course they didn't. We may not have the best answers for you but we are here to listen. Sending good thoughts your way today.
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