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New here - have a daily fear of dying :(

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Posted 3/11/2013 8:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all my name is Tammy. I'm new here and I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am to have found you.

I have suffered from horrible anxiety ever since my last child was born in 2007. Depression and GAD run in my family. I have 5 kids and have been a single mom for the last year. I had varying degrees of PPD with them, the last 2 were the worst, and the last was when this particular form of anxiety developed. I have a daily fear that I am dying. Its horrible, I can never shake it and it terrorrizes me on a daily basis. I am convinced that I'm sick, terminally, and nobody knows it. It usually manifests itself as a fear of cancer. With every illness or ailment I have, I have a terrifying fear that this is it, its cancer and Im dying. Its so strong I feel like I can sense it, that its there and the Drs just aren't finding it. Im so afraid I wont see my children grow up and they will be left without me. This fear occupies my thoughts constantly, which in turn triggers panic attacks. I'm weepy, fearful and alot of times I'll be in the process of making plans or doing something and think to myself "why bother, I'm not going to be around to finish it anyway." I'm so tired of this thing destroying my life. My Dr thinks I'm a hypochondriac because I'm constantly in his office for one thing or another. I have aches and pains all over, abdominal area especially, and I get horrible headaches. I've had numerous tests done and they never find anything. I've been on multiple antianxiety/antideppresants but I don't tollerrate meds well and the side effects are awful which leads me to stop taking them. I have resorted to just suffering in silence but my quality of life is seriously taking a nose dive. I get a headache and I'm convinced its a brain tumor. A pain in my leg causes panic that its a blood clot. I have heart palpitations and I'm convinced its a heart attack. A sore in my mouth is instantly oral cancer in my mind.The list goes on. Im a smoker (trying hard to quit) so that just fuels the fire.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of living in fear and nobody seems to understand what I'm going thru. I just want it to stop. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Does anyone else have anxiety that manifests in this way, and if so have you found anything that helps? Thanks for listening :)
Posted 3/11/2013 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Mommy, start reading everyone’s post, make it a form of self discipline for yourself, some will not read like you wrote it but I promise you most of us are in the same boat as you, our tickets are just like yours,
same cruse, Please read as many as you can and you have my permission to contact me at my e-mail address, I'm a 70 year old Married man, I am not cruseing looking for a victim who has suffered the same as you for more than 30 years, there is help here but please read first. You will think you have found the land we all came from.

Larry ***
Posted 3/11/2013 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
: :-) Hello,
Sorry your having a horrible time. As I was reading your post it made me wonder if you might have fibromyalgia. Your all over pain, headache, mouth sores, is sometimes fibro. Symptom. Some of us have coexisting problems. I have fibro. Major depression & GAD, with a few other thing. You could go to the fibro.form and read the first post and see what you think a lot of info..there. I'm. Not a doc but if sounds like you maybe you could talk to your doc. about it.
Best wishes
Posted 3/11/2013 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MKC and welcome.

I am so sorry that you are living with this level of fear right now. I believe that a lot of parents have health anxiety that may stem from the enormous responsibility of taking care of little ones...and the fact that we have to stay well and alive to see them through to their adulthood!

Many of us here do deal with the same fears and symptoms that you describe. As Larry suggested, reading other's experiences can help you. If you choose to do a search (blue button, top right side of tool bar) you can find many threads on the subject of health anxiety/fear of dying. You may be comforted by knowing just how prevalent this is. You may also get some good ideas on how to help yourself through this tough time.

I can also make some book recommendations for you at your request. There are some good self-help books that deal with the specifics of health anxiety/fear of disease.

I always recommend talking with your doctor about other treatment options as well...whether is means trying a new med, and/or getting a therapy referral.

I hope that you will continue to post with us . We are always here to encourage, understand and support eachother...and we are always glad to welcome a new member!:)

Talk to you soon,

Scaredy Cat

Posted 3/12/2013 4:51 AM (GMT 0)
I've been dealing with this same exact fears/thoughts for a few years. I have two small children & fear dying and leaving them behind. Your thought of dying before a plan follows thru...me 100%!

I don't take medication for my anxiety but I go once a week to a CBT therapist. It helps to talk with someone & explain my fears & gain reassurance it is anxiety and understand where the thoughts come from. You learn great coping skills & how to not give your thoughts so much power.

Posting here on HealingWell & reading others posts helps reassure we're not alone even when we feel we are. It's an internal struggle many won't understand unless they have experienced it. Your not alone though and your thoughts are common anxiety fears. You can get thru this it just takes hard work, dedication & faith.
Posted 3/13/2013 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Dear LGM1942 - your post could have been mine.  The only difference is that I am mortally afraid of doctors, hospitals and everything associated with them so I never go to get checked out....I'm convinced I'm dying anyway so I'd just as soon drop dead one of these days than suffer through all kinds of meds and treatments, only to have the same end result.  I feel like such a coward yet I don't seem to have any control over it.  Right now (and I'm 65 years old and suffered with hypochondria since the age of 7!) I'm convinced I have lung cancer because I too smoke and certainly COULD have something serious at my age but the ironic part of it is that all of my life up to now I've been VERY healthy.  So look at all those wasted years of worrying for nothing.  I'm sure you're not dying from anything either, yet this affliction we have causes us to always feel that way.  I was always afraid I'd die before my son turned 21....now he's 22 and I'm afraid I won't make it to his college graduation in three months!  It never ends.

All I can say is that you're not alone in these feelings but just keep talking to yourself all the time saying "these are just negative thoughts with no basis in reality."  Maybe you will someday begin to believe it.

Posted 3/13/2013 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
Greeting Mommykiddycat!

Hope you are doing well today. I too am often plagued with the thought that death is after me. Especially with my father battling cancer. I am not too sure if you are a religious person but I am. I love this reading in Matthew 6:26-28

"Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? An who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his/her life? Any why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these."
Posted 3/14/2013 2:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much for your responses, I appreciate them a great deal. Im happy to see I am not alone in this, however it saddens me to know you all suffer as well, since I know how horrible this death fear truly is.

Scaredy Cat - I would love a list of those books you mentioned, I'm an avid reader and am willing to try anything that may help.

mrs. unique - I have thought I may be affected by fibromyalgia as well. I have so many of the symptoms it just seems to make sense. My Dr however doesn't seem open to the possibility, because of my age (Im 36) even tho my mother has it as well. That's a whole other battle there.

TheIsomotion31 - thank you for posting that passage, it's beautiful and inspiring :)

I think this will be a place I visit often, Im glad I stumbled across it and am excited to get to know everyone better.
Posted 3/14/2013 3:38 AM (GMT 0)
Here you go...take a look and see if these look like they could be of help.:)


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Health-Anxiety-David-Veale/dp/1845298241

http://www.amazon.com/Treating-Health-Anxiety-Cognitive-Behavioral-Approach/dp/1572309989

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Your-Head-Sick/dp/1572309938/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y

I hope these work for you!  Keep posting...we look forward to getting to know you better as well.:)

S.C.

 

Posted 3/15/2013 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I just started posting here last night but I also post on the fibromyalgia site. I would encourage you to read through fibro101 over there, it's filled with valuable information. I don't think you're too young to have it, as I believe that's the age I started with my fibromyalgia symptoms, even though I wasn't actually diagnosed with it until many years later.

I have to tell you that while my 2 grown kids were growing up, I went through the exact same thing that you're going through now. Every headache was a brain tumor, every bellyache was colon cancer, and on and on. When they became adults, I got a little bit better, but I still do torment myself with thoughts of every new pain being cancer. I'm better, but am still plagued with it.

Just know that I survived 30 years of living that way, and the fears I would die and leave my kids were never realized. I think you'll be fine also, and maybe you just need to talk to someone about your fears. This forum seems to be an excellent starting point in which to do that too!

You are not crazy, and you are most certainly not alone in this. Just thinking negative thoughts doesn't make them true. They are just that, thoughts. Maybe you have to learn a new way of talking things out in your head. For me, journaling helps a lot and also posting on forums like this. I wish this forum was in place years ago when I was at my worst.
Posted 9/3/2013 7:47 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a Dad, I constantly worry about being around to raise my daughter. I can relate to what you're feeling mommycat.
Posted 9/3/2013 8:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi errndog and welcome!

I am sorry to hear about your fears. Let us know how we can be of help and support.:)

If you like, read up on previous posts, check out our Resources (main page, 1st post) and start a thread of introduction for yourself at anytime.

We are here to understand and listen, so post anytime.

S.C.
Posted 10/7/2014 2:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, I came across this forum online when researching for death anxiety.I am having the exactly same symptoms you are having. Please let me know how you are feeling now! Thank you!
Posted 10/7/2014 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Elise and welcome!

This is an older thread...and therefore you are unlikely to hear from the O.P. (I have not seen from her since this posting)

However, we have a great forum here for anxiety support, so please feel free to make an introductory thread of your own, so that we can welcome and support you.:)

Talk to you soon!

Scaredy Cat
Posted 10/7/2014 5:00 PM (GMT 0)
You are so not alone!!! Your post read just as if I had written it myself. I have had the same exact fears....I get so caught up in thoughts like what if I don't see my kids graduate from college, what if I'm not there to see my girls get married and have their own babies, what if I'm not around long enough to do things with my husband in the future, etc. I even start panicking if I see on Facebook or hear in church that someone else as cancer! However, I do feel like I'm doing this less and less. One major turning point for me was finding a doctor that I trust 100%. She's a female, she listens to me and she acknowledges all my health concerns while also helping me work through my anxiety. Hang in there (I know it's easier said than done).
Posted 10/7/2014 5:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome, you can include me, I could of also wrote your post.
Posted 10/7/2014 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
Health anxiety... Snap.. Cant leave the house anymore for fear of catching something ... Got spots on hand and now its the end of the world.. Toothache with abcess tough one as iam just putting up with it as i cant leave the house and on top ... Panick attacks and anxiety through the roof... Humffff maybe i am not affraid of dying like yourself which i feel for you must be hard but... Iam afraid of living if that makes sence :-( x
Posted 10/7/2014 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
@ mommy
Well I don't know if you can relate to me or not as it's not exactly the same for me but ever since my mum died of a heart attack some years ago I have had anxiety about my heart, it's only been in the last six months that it has reached an all time high but it goes something like this.
I constantly have a slight ache in my chest in left arm and this is from anxiety from what I understand but if it gets too bad then this is where all the badness really kicks in! I basically fool myself into a false heart attack and what I mean by this is as follows.
I start to get a light FLUFFY feeling in my tummy which rapidly gets worse until it turns into an actual pain and then my heart starts pounding out of my chest and I get pain in my neck jaw and arm....all on the left side, by this stage I'm really convinced that today is the day I will die.
My vision goes blurry and my mouth dry and I'm so dizzy and feeling faint and when it hits its peak I start to have a full body shake and all this can last for hours and even when recovered I still feel terrible. Then there is the constant feeling of impending doom that hovers over me like a dark sinister cloud.
I still force myself to go to work every day and I have these attacks most days and normally 3 ish times, even get woken from sleep to it... life is a struggle and a constant battle but hay..what can you do! I'm still learning to cope and the guys here on this forum are the best, I'm sure you will find some sort of help here even if it's just to know your not alone 😉💛
Posted 10/7/2014 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
Wow! This old thread has really been revived...it must have needed to be, as it struck a chord with so many this morning.

I hope that you all read through the whole thing, and saw the comments above.

The book recommendations that I posted are really good! Health anxiety and fear of dying are treatable!

Check out these links everyone.:)


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Health-Anxiety-David-Veale/dp/1845298241  (this book has a chapter specifically on the fear of death)

http://www.amazon.com/Treating-Health-Anxiety-Cognitive-Behavioral-Approach/dp/1572309989


Scaredy Cat

Posted 10/8/2014 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for sharing your story @anxious. My mother and my husband passed away from a heart attack and for the past year I have been having death anxiety/fear of dying/panic attacks. I have the same fear as you, I am scared to have a heart attack like they did. With the support of family and friends I am doing better, I also changed my diet and that was very helpful as well. Now I know that I am not alone, I am glad I found this forum. :)
Posted 10/8/2014 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you @scaredycat
Posted 10/9/2014 1:49 PM (GMT 0)
I have these same fears. Nothing is ever small - it's always fatal. Tooth ache? Oral cancer. IBS symptoms? Colon cancer. Pain in chest? Breast cancer. Headache? Stroke. And on and on it goes. And it's worse the older I get, since as you age, more aches and pains appear for me to fret about! Know you are not alone. Sadly there are many people on the ship with you. But the good part is we are all still here and our feared illnesses have not done us in! Keep watching this site. There are many, many others who suffer as we do and there is much support to be had in numbers!
Posted 1/3/2015 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
I am so glad I found this post. I too feel like I could have written it. I have had these fears since I was five years old. Every pain is something deadly. At some points in my life it is worse than others. At some times it might just be a fleeting thought in the back of my head that I can move past, and at other times it is constantly on my mind and almost paralyzes me. I too, am afraid I won't see my son grow up. I tell people about it sometimes to try to get it off of my chest, but I don't think unless you have truly felt this way you understand. I am just mentally exhausted from these thoughts!
Glad you guys are here!
Posted 1/3/2015 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome. We're glad you're here :)
Posted 1/4/2015 2:27 AM (GMT 0)
I have the same fears and thoughts as you as well!!! The only difference is, for some reason I never fear cancer, or things that would technically slowly kill me. I worry more about emergency situations that I can drop dead suddenly of..stroke, aneurysm, heart attack, not being able to breathe, pulmonary embolism, etc. I also alwayssss think i'm dying..I'll hear friends talk about making plans for this summer and my first thought is "will I even be here?' I'm 30 years old and have been to the ER almost 10 times the last few months...after countlesss EKG's, X-rays, bloodwork checking my cholesterol/lipid levels/diabetes, stress test, MRI, catscan...list goes on. It doesn't make me feel like i'm healthy though! Health anxiety is the worst, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that's what i'm working toward:) You will find yours as well. We're all here to support you!!
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