Me and my daughter update need hope

My husband and I just took our daughter to school because she is too upset to take the bus. I told her we wouldn't walk her in today but ended up letting my husband do it because I had just thrown on some junky sweats and looked like I just rolled out of bed. My heart broke as I watched my little girl crying her eyes out as he walked her in to school.

The look on his face when he came back out told me all I needed to know. She had cried the whole way in didn't stop when he left. He is so upset and bewildered by all of this. I am upset because I know how hard of a time I've had as an adult and how I could barely deal with it and did so with the help of medication. It was so bad I had to take a leave from work but here we are expecting this five year old tiny child to sit in school and manage this? I just don't feel right leaving her there knowing how she is feeling.

She describes to me how she misses me and how she just feels "not right" and worried. She says she doesn't understand and wants it to go away. I know in every bone of my body how she feels and it is killing me. I want to grab her and hold her and take her home and make her feel safe. I know that if I take her out of school it will eventually make things worse but right now it feels SO wrong leaving her there.

I just requested an appointment at Mayo Clinic for her hoping to get the doctor we took my oldest daughter to. I am going to try to get her in somewhere local for the time being too. Taking her to Mayo will be a huge hassle and I don't know how we will afford it. BUT it totally saved my oldest daughter's life and it was more than worth it in the long run. I will try someone here in the meantime because it usually takes awhile to get into Mayo but I don't have much hope that I will find someone good around here.

I believe my therapist sees children and I'm going to check on that. The thing is my therapist has been great for talking but I don't feel she has giving me any real tools to help with my anxiety. My daughter cannot understand things on the level that I can and needs tools like we got when we went to Mayo with her sister. They gave us concrete steps and actual things to do and that is what we need. I mean if I'm an adult and can barely deal with this I can't expect a five year old to.

I keep telling myself it will be okay. Thank god me moving up to 80mgs of Prozac has seemed to help because I don't know how else I'd hang on. When she is feeling really bad I can feel my anxiety but it seems like it is just sort of dulled now. I'm still terrified of it coming out of nowhere really bad again because I don't know how the hell I'd deal with it right now?

I also have such horrible guilt for passing this on to my kids. I am feeling terrible for my husband having just went through hell with me and my anxiety and now his other daughter has it out of the blue? With my oldest daughter she had always had an anxious worry wart personality so although it was still a surprise with her you could sort of make the connection. Also with her it started right after my mom whom lived with us and she was super close to died. So we could see a trigger I guess that made it slightly easier to process.

My youngest daughter is different as night and day from my oldest. Nothing has changed around here other than me going back to work after my leave of absence. To be honest my two youngest kids never even notices I was officially off work during that time. (I guess because I work part time) So I didn't imagine that being a trigger for my daughter. Her personality is so different than what it has become when she is deteriorated and broken down from this anxiety. I tried so hard to understand what snapped inside me and what made this come out of nowhere but there was no one answer really and I know there isn't for her. I'm not sure if having an answer would make it any easier or not. I just cannot shake this guilt. I know that she didn't pick up on my anxiety over the last months because I made sure to hide it from my children and really anyone that I could.

If you are religious please pray for my little girl. If not please send good wishes our way because we need them. It is taking all I have not to go get her from school. I cannot imagine how her poor teacher can even teach the class with her this way. On Friday the school counselor ended up spending the majority of the day in the class with her and when she wasn't in there my daughter came to her office. It just feels so unnatural to throw my child out there and leave her feeling like that. I want to protect her and comfort her. I do not know what to do.

Thanks! I know that the guilt is stupid and isn't helping but I just can't shake it. I'm sitting here feeling more anxious than I have in awhile and I hate it. How am I supposed to help my little girl when I can barely get by myself?

Thank you Scaredy. This is just like being kicked when I'm already down. I know that there would never be any good time for this to happen but my god it is just killing me.

I look back and wonder if my own anxious and overprotective personality made my kids this way? But my youngest daughter was never ever this way before. I mean it seemed like it came out of nowhere. I still can't help but wonder what part my parenting played. Don't get me wrong I know I've been a good Mom but I have always been overprotective. It comes from my childhood of not having any parenting.

I am also worried that anxiety is going to be something that is just always lurking under the surface in my family. I thought that what went on with my oldest daughter was maybe just happening because of the stress she was under. Ten years later and she has had no symptoms so I hoped that was that. Then boom, anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks and nearly takes me down. Still my kids were okay. Now out of nowhere it hits my five year old? Do I need to worry about my son too? I fear that as my kids grow up they will get hit horribly with this just as I have. I worry about them trying to self medicate the way I did as a teen.

All I know is that as of late life has been harder for me than it has been in a very long time. I am hurting so much and it feels like there is very little relief.

Thanks Angel. It does help to hear stories about kids who grew up to be okay. I guess it is in my nature to go to worst possible case scenario. I've been working so hard on that but when it comes to my kids my worry is off the charts. Thanks again for your story, it helped.

:(
Billy- I could feel the pain of you and your daughter's when I read her description of how she feels. Five years old- poor baby.
You are both in my prayers forever.
I wish you all the best.

My heart goes out to you, you sound like a wonderful caring mother. Hugs

BB.,

How did it go yesterday at school?...How about this morning?

Continued thoughts and prayers for you both!

S.C.

Thanks everyone. We are hanging in there. Lisa I'm trying my best not to feel guilty but it is tough. I've got an appointment for an evaluation here in town next wednesday and will start there. Until then we are doing our best.

Also been thinking of you Billy! Hope you can update when you have time and that you have seen improvements and happier times!

may peace be with you