I don't know if I can do this

I am so broken right now. I am just starting to get back on my feet after anxiety took my whole life and turned it upset down back in August. This is the longest stretch I've gone without feeling bad which is probably about a week. Now my daughter is doing horribly and I just feel so terrible.

I have so many real fears and no way to calm myself about them. The horrible physical feelings aren't as bad as they have been but they are still here and I don't like it. I've gone without them for a bit now and it is so uncomfortable having them back.

I'm having such a terrible time doing what needs to be done while trying not to go nuts worrying about my daughter. Her anxiety is exhausting for the whole family and it is taking it's toll on us. I'm already worn down anyway so it doesn't take much for me to feel mentally and emotionally wiped out.

I try to tell myself that someday I will just remember this as a really horrible time. I tell myself that my little girl will be alright because her sister who had similar problems came out of it and has been fine. I am terrified though that this isn't the case and that we won't be able to get my little girl better. I think of how much time it took me to get to point where I was handling day to day life pretty normally and that was months and with medication. That was also with being able to use positive self talk and thinking about things in a way that a five year old just cannot. What if this is it for her? What if she is to be cursed with this and we never get her back?

Then there is who we are going to take her to for therapy and how the hell we are going to pay for it. We are in debt up to our eyeballs and have no extra money. We could maybe ask my mother in law but I don't know if she has any money to spare. I really don't want to ask her because we already owe her a few hundred dollars as it is. We always pay her back and she says she doesn't mind but it makes me feel terrible.

I have to work nights twice this week and my daughter cries and cries because I won't be home when she gets home from school. I have to work and make money and I just don't know what to do. Then there are the mornings when she has to go to school and it is SO hard. So emotional and makes us both feel horrible.

How the hell am I going to get through this? I guess just back to one day at a time like I was when I was at my worst. It is one thing to feel bad myself though and quite another for my baby to be hurting. I think it is worse because I know full well how she is feeling and I can't make it better for her. Instead I just dump her off at school and expect her to fend for herself. I am so confused and don't know what to do or how I'm going to get through this.

Thank you Scaredy. I'm sitting here trying to do school work and I just cannot concentrate. I recently signed up for next semester and now I'm wondering if I should pull out? I've had such a hard time this semester and I really don't want to deal with school on top of everything else. Then again I will most likely pass everything this semester so maybe I should keep going?

I REALLY would like to be able to get an education to where I can help people with these issues. There are so many therapists and doctors out there that know nothing or just don't seem to care about anxiety and depression and things of that nature. I think back to the first therapist we took my oldest daughter to and shudder to think of what might have happened had I blindly followed her advice.

There is such a shortage of professionals that truly know how to help people like us that it is just pathetic. Then there is the whole problem of how to afford those professionals if you are lucky enough to find them. The mental health system in our country is atrocious at best.

As far as practicing my coping skills...well I never really got any. My therapist has been so great helping me work through some things with talking but I haven't really gotten any tools. All I've done is just try to get through it and increased my meds. When the feelings come back up again like they have today I get back into that "OH NO!" feeling and thinking again and just don't know what to do. I just tell myself that it will pass but I'd really like to have something better than that.

My therapist was going to do EMDR with me once I was able to calm down a bit more but that hasn't happened yet. The tapping thing didn't do it for me either. I guess I need to just flat out ask her for more tools. Meditating and breathing are suggestions she has given me but that only helps so much. I just try to keep busy and distracted and tell myself that "this too shall pass."

I just listened to some podcasts on the Anxiety and Depression Association of America's website about children and anxiety and that helped me a bit. At the very least it made me feel less like a piece of crap for taking my daughter to school. It talked about how it can be hard with kids with anxiety because it goes against parent's natural instincts sometimes to do what is best for the child when we see it hurting them, just like me wanting so badly to take my baby back home. I've got to try to remember that.

I have an appointment next Wednesday for an evaluation the the Mental Health Center where I go. And I will be waiting for an appointment with Mayo as well. My books I ordered from Amazon are on the way so hopefully that will help some too.

I feel so bad for her teacher and the school counselor and the other kids too. I don't know how her teacher manages this with a classroom full of kids. I feel like I should be doing something to help my daughter and the school but right now we're just sort of in this weird limbo.

Thank you for listening to my long rants. I apologize that I probably won't be on here giving support for others right now because my time is so wrapped up with everything at home. I promise though that you are all in my thoughts. I feel guilty about posting my problems and wanting help but not posting any encouragement or anything for others. I promise I will be back to do that when things start looking up. Until then I hope you guys don't get sick of my whining anytime soon!