Social phobia and anxiety attacks

Hey Everyone,

Let’s get straight to the point then. Once or twice a month I have those frightening thoughts about death and dying. It's like my whole brain only rotates around these two things. Who does it feel and what will come afterwards. I'm only 20 and if everything goes right I have my hole live before me, but it won't stop. I can't control myself in this moments, my thoughts go their own way, deeper and darker with every moment, until something or someone can distract me enough to get my thoughts back, away from the very end.

I'm frightened to write about it, 'cause my mind tries to slip away again.
More horrifying are my bodily reactions. I start to cry uncontrollable and shiver. I often curl up in my bed and try to find some sleep, talking to myself about nice things in an attempt to let my mind astray.
This about my, I call it panic attacks.

The next thing is some kind of social phobia. During my examination for the Army I got diagnosed with social phobia. It wasn't that surprising for me or my family. I mostly like it to be alone and have very few but good friends. I can literally count them with one hand.
But the thing is I don't "hate" people, okay sometimes I really do, but what I mean is that I sometimes like to be surrounded by other people. Not interacting with them or anything, just sitting there and watch people walking by.
And then are those other moments, when I have to talk to strangers for example or make a phone call to a company or something. Most of the time it takes me at least 5 ~ 10 minutes to mentally prepare myself and it is always so ... exhausting.
On of my friends, only god knows how he did it, managed to take me with him to a disco last week. The whole time I felt like a trapped animal. Surrounded, caged, examined. My heart started to beat so fast and strong I thought it tried to run away, my eyes looked constantly around, searching for possible threats. I had the feeling someone in this room tried to hurt my, that it could have been anyone.
I sometimes have this feeling when walking on the street or in a park, totally random people are looking like a threat to me and the only thing I want is to flee, far, far away.

I got distracted again, the same as in my last post. ^^ I like to write, it's easier when you can write your thoughts down.

Long story short, I kind of dislike interactions with other people since I was a little child. I got bullied a lot and since my school time my mind is in a constant state of fear. What have I done wrong? Why do they hate me? etc. I try to interact with others as little as possible because I have the fear of failure, to embarrass myself and make myself a target again. It's a constant pain in my head, I can't go anywhere without this thoughts. It's a pounding in my head "Stay in the background. If they won't notice you, they can't hurt you." and so on.

I'm tired of my own fear, of my own thoughts. I want to walk outside the house without the feeling of constantly being judged and despised. The world doesn’t know me and though I have this feelings being hated by people I never met before.

Oh, and I have problems falling asleep. It’s almost 4 AM here in Austria.

Greetings~

Hey Cat.

My treatment was mostly isolation. Even my parents don't know most of the stuff I write here, I got used to disguise my true feelings, you know like a clown with his happy make-up. During my school time there was this "get along" mentality. They are kids and kids do stupid things and sometimes are cruel to each other, they get used it. ... So I got used to it, got used to the feeling of being alone and hated etc. ... I became really quiet and hardly talked to anyone.

Some form of treatment I guess was the moment I finally had the guts to ask a girl for a date, not more than a year ago. She became my first and to this day my only girlfriend, but in the end she started to brag about me and my quit, protective self. She started to remind me about those persons who bullied me in school for just being myself ...
I try to go out more often end just enjoy myself and the nature, go to the cinema and watch a movie etc, but at the end of the day it's a relief to be at home again, safe and mostly isolated... and that’s sad.

I never met a therapist or anything like that nor have I taken medicine. It's like ... I don't know how to call it ... maybe "giving up".
I normally don't feel well when I talk about my feelings. So it's a very rare occasion, me giving insight in my mind.


The middle part from your post sounded a bit sarcastic though :P Just say if my posts are to long, I will try to keep them short(er).

Good night, or day or what time it might be. :)

Hi Flametiger

Sorry you have been going through all of this on your own :(
Just want to say welcome to the forum! :) I'm sure you will get lots of support here like the rest of us have! :)

Have you ever spoken to your family Doctor about any of your feelings? Might be the first step to take because they can advise you on the best route to your recovery! :)

Hope to see you posting again :)

Every day doesn't have to be bad Flametiger. Make the decision to have just one day where you don't think about dark things. It might be difficult, but tell yourself "I am going to ignore you today" then move on to something different. If you have somewhere where you can volunteer to do something - maybe fill baskets of food for the needy - or even do it all by yourself at home. Learn to knit (lots of guys do). Go visit the elderly - they don't judge and appreciate the little things.
Find a counselor/therapist if you can...sometimes it is hard to find the right one for you but keep trying...I am.
Just some suggestions. Wishing you happier times.

F.T.

I am sorry that you did no get more support from your mom in regards to seeking a therapist.:( It is hard when we don't have the back up that we need. I'm assuming you are still on your parent's insurance then? If so, and she is not helping...one possible move is to see your GP, explain all....and get a referral. In this way, she can't really argue.

If you are not dependant on their insurance...than just go ahead and do what you need to do to feel your best...and go to therapy anyway. You do not need anyone's approval...though it would be nice. You need to do what is best for YOU! :)

In the meantime...here is the link to our Resources here. They are free and accessible....and full of great info and help.

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=104206

Speicifically, here are two on-line therapy programs, that while not as good as seeking therapy in person, are still very reputable and helpful.

Free on-line CBT programs:

http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

Keep posting with us if you find it helpful. We think you are great, and would love to see you stick around.:)

S.C.