i want to scream my head off!!!!!!!

ok! about a year ago my husband seeked help from our pastor to figure out ways he can minister to me as a husband. Well that went horribly wrong... My husband basically was given bad advice and thru himself into his work and basically ignores me and our children.
so four months ago we started attending a new church. Well the day before yesterday we had a sit-down with our new pastor,we just wanted some advice on a job offer my husband got...i had already asked my husband not to look for another job,that I would and I asked if we can work on us. He looked for work anyways, got a job offer then started the hiring process without speaking to me,..then lying over and over when asked about it. pastor simply told us, its not about this job offer its about our marriage and we need to work on it. We talked some more and I felt so awesome that we have a pastor now that don't take sides on who's right or who's wrong...but simply what's right. Well.....it seems my husband wanted the pastor to take his side. That while night and whole day yesterday my husband keeps saying things as if everything is my fault, like I wasn't there in the room when we all were talking. My husband treats me like I'm dumb...its so sad. He said what pastor said must have flew over my head. Noo I heard our pastor clearly say if I was worth that job, my husband replied yes....and now I'm not worth it?!👉because were home now !! So yesterday, the day after our sit-down my husband has a one on one with our pastor because he felt he needed to know he was right and I was wrong.....well pastor ends up telling him he lied and broke my trust again so now he has to own up to it. My husband didn't speak with me all day or want to be by me yesterday. This morning he work up for work, and just stood looking at me....looking at me as if he hates me. As if he wanted to grab me and just hurt me or something. It was very intimidating. I asked him what was wrong and he went on saying how unfair this marriage was....i asked if he hated me and he said he don't want to, that resentment is growing in him and he just might want to separate or divorce, I'm not sure but him having to choose me over this job offer sucks because now I no I'm not worth it to him.... I stood by this man side thru all his up and downs ,and accepted all his many downfalls!! I Still stood by him after he received bad advice from our former pastor and even after all our church members treated me differently because of how he perceived me to them. I took all three of my children with me to work when he didn't make it home on time, more then a handful of times..which duh!! Made me unemployed.!! I still stand by his side Even when he lied behind my back almost our whole relationship. I here for him more then anyone in this sorry ass world. Its me ! His wife! Now he wants out now that I finally THink there's a breakthrough!! So darn unfair of him to just be this way! I hate this. I hate him . He is deliberately ruining our family. !!! This man makes me feel like I'm losing it! He don't care how much I sacrifice, I sacrificed job before..good jobs to!!! One was a c.n.a position at a woman prison, my husband didn't want to help me find a sitter for our kids so I can go to orientation, they scheduled me twice to go in and twice my husband didn't help or even himself take a day off work or a few hours at least. .. I also stopped my schooling twice in the last 5years . I lost my just job because of no support.......i sacrifice my whole life ever since I met this man!!!!!!! How dare him!!!!!

Thanks 😸!!! He knows how this is affecting me... I'm in Cali. 1pm &I still haven't got out my pjs to start my day!! My anxiety levels are thru the roof!!!!! Aahhhhh... I can not cope. I'm trying my best to breath ,I've been in and out of prayer all day, asking others to pray for us also. I've spoke with him off and on most of the day, its unfair because I just pulled myself out of that habit of calling him well hes working about two months ago....and today I'm just so anxious!!!!! He keeps blaming me, and finally I told him No its not my fault,its ours stop blaming me! He said sorry but it hurts, he is really trying to hurt me with his words. Or maybe he just don't no how mean he sounds.

1039s Yeah... it dose scare me how far apart we seem...or are right now. So far we reading this Love & Respect book and the book my pastor gave us His Needs Her Needs. I'm highlighting what sticks out to me then he is going to read and highlight what stick outs to him...then after every chapter we tell each other what we highlighted means to us. I barley started the first chapter today....

1039s yeah...it seems that way. Which sucks because he should be genuine about his actions,and that's why I lack trust with him among many other things. He should be happy our pastor was mutual with us. But I guess it didn't matter because I still got blamed😓😢😢😭
.......he just called saying he was on his way home from work, before we hung up I told him I love him he said ok and hung up. Wow😞 pastor told him I need to be loved and it seems as if he hates me...

Yeah... I was planning on leaving with my kids last week but he talked me into staying, now riiiiiight after that counseling session I'm just Not worth it no more. Our family is just not worth it.... Our pastor told him "if you don't love her tell her now then you can go about your way doing what you do." he said he did love me. So why is he treating me this way behind close doors???? I feel so lost... One week im on track, controlling my anxiety, practicing my breathing , husband constantly telling me he loves me....now I'm lost!! Anxiety out of control, can barely catch my breath, and not feeling like I'm really loved at all....😣😢😭😭

Post Edited (MeMandy) : 12/5/2014 5:55:24 PM (GMT-7)

http://www.edvp.org/GetInformed/powerandcontrol.aspx

Mandy,

I'm linking this for self-reflection. Yourself, your husband and your relationship. There's no way I can understand your situation from one discussion thread, but you deserve respect. Period.

Thanks again AJ!!
I needed to see that link...

Hey MM,

I really feel for you. Marriage problems can take a HUGE toll on our hearts. It sounds like you have given and sacrificed a lot for your husband, and it also sounds like deep down he really does appreciate this. A lot of marriages hit rough patches.......and I am just so grateful that you are reading the Love and Respect book, because that was what I was going to go to next.

Love and Respect Book from a quick view:

Your husband's biggest desire is not to be "loved" though being loved is good for him. His biggest desire is for you to respect him and all of his decisions. Even if you don't fully agree with them, he was born (as were all men) with a strong need to have a wife that esteems his decisions and thinks he is the smartest, best, greatest decision makers in the whole wide world! Ok, I over-dramatized that there, but for a purpose. He may not always make the best choices, obviously, from your vantage point, but he is the "head of the household" from Biblical terms, we should do our best to encourage him, uplift him, and "enable" him to meet his decision goals.

Now on the other hand, your greatest desire, as a woman, is to feel that your husband loves and adores you. You would of course like for your ideas and decisions to be respected too, but overall, as women, we'd much rather have that romantic loving husband who is genuine in his attempts to pursue our hearts! Sooo---the book suggests that us women, do our darndest to respect our husband's decisions. To encourage him to be the best spouse that he can be. It also suggests that when we do this, it opens up our husband's hearts to pursue us in the loving way that we desire.

I can vouch that it does work. To be really practical about this. When I was first married, I was a very "type-A" personality. I liked things done my way, and I usually thought my ways were WAY better than my husband's. This ran into some conflict, obviously, because he thought his ways were WAY better than mine. So----as I started to understand marriage from God's point of view, I realized I needed to be willing to submit to my husband's decisions....even when I thought they were terrible, as long as they weren't sinful. I started doing this. And let me tell you what.. It was not easy.. Not even a little! In private, I cried, pouted, and prayed that God would just CHANGE the situation.

God didn't change the situation, but he did change my heart to be a "servant wife." And God also kept my husband's love for me running strong. So my encouragement to you today, is to try not to say anything critical of your husband's decisions today. If something critical comes to mind, say nothing at all. Try to say one positive encouragement to your husband each day for the next 7 days. Remember, no negatives. Only 1 positive a day... This would be a good start to hopping aboard the Love and Respect idea!

Ok.... TTYL! *Best wishes today!*

One of the greatest struggles when you have anxiety is knowing your worth and how to achieve your personal goals. Don't be afraid of change because before you know it you may have spent the better part of your life with someone that doesn't see your worth. Divorce is always the last resort of course because it's a commitment you made to each other and to god, but that goes both ways. I wouldn't want my children to grow up seeing a man treat their mother with disrespect. You are worth the world and you deserve more!

MM--

Ya, that silly crazy cycle. My husband and I used to go round and round with it as well. Anyway, it sounds like you're still feeling a bit unsettled in regards to him lying about looking for a new job... :( No fun, I know. Have you asked him what his motivation was in keeping it a secret from you? I truly have no idea what his motivation would have been, but surely he was keeping it secret from you for some reason.

I have been in a very similar situation in which my husband lied to me, and then denied it----and denied it....and denied it again! LOL. So I totally understand how you would feel in this situation. And I also happen to have an inability to trust fully---so I get that too! My situation was a bit more "scary" than yours in that my husband was out of town, and pretended to be "going to sleep" had to get off the phone... and then went out to a bar---! Sounds like he had a really nice "sleep" that night.... Ya, not so good! This was 5 years ago, so I can joke about it now, but it surely was no joking matter while we were working through that mess!

My encouragement to you is to very nicely ask your husband to think about what his motivation was in hiding this new job searching from you. And then take a day or so to think about why he would be motivated in that way. It could be something as simple as he wanted to provide better money for you and your family, and didn't want you to know yet... I guess the only person who knows right now is your husband and God.

My husband's motivation for pretending he was "going to sleep" and then going to the bar with his buddies is that he knew I would totally FREAK out if he went to a bar while out of the state... (and I would have at that point in our marriage! That's where the trust issues come into play!) He decided that since he wasn't going to do anything "wrong" at the bar, he would go anyway and just not tell me so that way I would still "trust" him. LOL. That one really backfired on him, but oh well! We have worked through it.

So in this long choppy message (LOL) I am hoping just to share a bit of wisdom in trying to understand why your husband felt the need to hide this from you. Then together, with God to figure out what to work on in the future so you can both be open with each other and he doesn't feel the need to hide such things.

OK. I hope I made sense there!! Best wishes to you guys!

Hey MM!

It sounds like you and I were meant to talk.....Lol. My husband did pretty much the same exact thing 3 years ago. Slightly different, but he wanted to start a business. I told him NO WAY JOSE, because of the start-up issues I foresaw. He said that it would be easier with my full support, but he was going to move forward with pursuing this even if I chose not to support him. Yep, my husband's a tough cookie in that respect.

I think your situation may be slightly different, in that my husband is a HUGE budgeter and had crunched every little number prior to making this decision, but the theme is pretty much the same. My husband went ahead and started the business, and I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would change my heart so that I could be supportive of him instead of being his nemesis.

Is there something about your husband's current job that you like better? Was communication tough for you guys prior to this job change ordeal? Is there any way that you can be supportive of his wants at this time? Or meet him halfway? Maybe tell him that you'd like to be supportive of his endeavors but fear that it would take away from family time? From what you've said so far, he seems reasonable....meaning that he would likely agree to make time for family.

Maybe I'm completely off there, but maybe not...?!

By the way its going I doubt if anything is going to ever change. I feel no longer hopeful. Change sounds good... But I highly doubt it.