Update...super long

Hello everyone I hope you are doing well during this crazy time of year. I apologize for not being around to update. So many of you here got me through my toughest times and I truly don't know how I would have made it without you. It is for those of you (you know who you are) that I post this update.

The last time I was here I believe I spoke about increasing my prozac to 80mgs which is the highest I've ever been on. I found the doctor from Mayo Clinic's notes online and saw that he supposedly suggested this dose to me if the 60 didn't work. Well he never said anything about it and thank god I stumbled upon what he said that day because the 80mgs has made a huge difference for me.

In the time I've been gone from the forums I've been working between 40 and 50+ hours a week while trying to finish school. I'm working both of my jobs and doing well at both. My main job is at a major retailer and it is INSANITY right now. Truthfully though it is kind of an addictive rush for me that I've come to love/hate this season. I'm about to finish my last class and will have an A- and C's for all my other grades. Not exactly what I'd hoped for but considering when I started the semester I literally wanted to be put in an institution I will take those C's and be happy for them. I worked my butt off to come back from being weeks behind from the anxiety and I'm very proud of that.

I'm still going to therapy but my therapist has become very popular lately and is so hard to get in to. Adding that to my hectic work schedule means that I went over a month without seeing her. I still feel like she's really helping work on issues I've held for years but nothing was really coming as far as tools for the anxiety.

Increasing my dose of prozac has been the thing that has made all the difference. It is the strangest thing because it is like I can still feel the physical anxiety symptoms at times but it seems as if they are dulled. Like being underwater or something if that makes sense? I haven't had a bad day in weeks. Today I am having major MAJOR money worries and am having the most physical anxiety I've had since I can remember. I also binged out on cupcakes and have been up all night taking care of a sick kid so I think the sugar and the lack of sleep aren't helping. Still I haven't had to take a xanax or anything and I'm sure I'll be fine. It's just there as a reminder of what was and where I hope to god I'll never be again.

As for my little girl and her anxiety I think we have turned a corner. It was a very dark few weeks and it took all I had to keep it together. We kept taking her to school although it broke our hearts. We had her evaluated at the place I go to and they said what we already knew. Basically that she was anxious and that we were doing a good job of trying to nip it in the bud before it got any worse. We had been using some of the things that we were taught at Mayo with our oldest daughter and thankfully some of those things worked and got us through the worst with our little one. She just had her sixth birthday and has been sick during that and the entire week. Prior to this week we had about a week and a half of excellent days at school where she was back to her old self. Her teacher is now in only sporadically because she is pregnant and has been put on bed rest. She misses her teacher very much and that hasn't been easy. Now that she has been so sick and off of school for the week sick I worry about how Monday will go. I'm hoping that she will still continue to show improvement and if not we will take her to therapy but so far so good.

So all in all I'm doing pretty well. I admit that the craziness of my work schedule has made it easier for me to not think about the anxiety. It is still those quiet times alone that I battle the most. Throw me into a store full of angry shoppers who I have to help and apparently I'm all good, it's my own mind that does me in. I'm also signed up for school next semester and am happy/anxious about that. It was so tempting to just say forget it because it has been so hard but then I remember why it is so important to me. This semester I will be taking a class on campus which is a huge fear of mine and it is MATH which is the worst four letter word I know. I'm terrified but I know that I have to just push through those fears or I will stay stagnant forever. I was terrified at the start of last semester but I made it through and I will next time as well.

I don't want to make it sound like everything has been rainbows and butterflies because it most certainly has not. I still live in fear that this anxiety is in me waiting to attack. Knowing the dark place that I was taken to and how I felt I had no control over my mind or body is something that haunts me. I worry that the prozac will poop out and I will be back to where I was. When I can feel the physical anxiety symptoms even though they are sort of turned down it is still that reminder of how quickly everything about my life can be turned upside down and taken away.

I wish that it wasn't the medicine that got me back and that it was something I learned in therapy to do on my own. I so badly wanted to be off of prozac and here I am on a higher dose than I've ever been. For now though I've got to do what I've got to do.

I'm also working on losing weight again and have lost another six pounds. I have a history of eating disorders so it's tough for me. I now binging and restriction and no in between. I'm trying hard to find that in between while still losing weight. There are other issues I won't go into here and now because I've already dragged on and on already. I just really wanted to make sure that those who were really angels to me here know that I'm out of my darkest times and back to life an usual. You all will forever have my gratitude for being there for me.

I'm debating whether or not I want to continue to post here. Part of me wants to just to keep in touch with those I've befriended and to give hope to those who are where I was. I have to be honest though and say there is a huge part of me that just finds reading all these posts so triggering. They threaten to drag me back to a place I don't ever want to be again. I don't quite feel strong enough that I'm not affected by reading stories of other people's hurt so I just don't know if I will be able to be around. I feel guilty for that because I'd like to give back the way others have given to me here but again I have to do what is best for me. So I think for now I will just try to pop in every so often to say hello. I hope that it doesn't come across as abandoning this place because it was such a huge tool in my journey. I just need to not be in the anxiety head space for awhile if that makes sense?

I wish you all the best. Please please believe me when I say YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS AND GET BACK TO YOURSELF! I seriously doubted that I would ever feel like myself again but I do. Do not give up hope. You must always ALWAYS keep hope alive that you will make it out to the other side. I love you all and send you the best wishes!!!!!!!

BB.,

Thank you for the update! :)

I am so glad to hear that things are, all in all, improving...and you are feeling well at your new Rx dose.

So happy also to hear that your little one is showing improvement...I am wishing her a speedy recovery from her illness...and then continued success!

Keep up the good work...try not to anticipate any negative happenings, and work on staying in the moment...breathe!!

You are doing great, and will continue to find recovery...even with your hectic schedule! Make time for you and decompressing/coping skills!!

Post when you can. Avoiding triggering threads is fine! Just pop in when you are able...no pressure!! :)

Hugs and high fives my friend!

S.C.

Best news I've heard all day! Bravo Billy, I'm proud of you! I will continue to pray for you & your daughter.

I understand not wanting to be triggered. That's not selfish at all- that's you taking care of yourself & practicing self compassion & is a-ok!

Sending you much peace & continued healing!!
Lisa

Sounds like things are uphill for you! Simply wonderful! Best wishes to you!

You guys are truly the best. Im so very thankful that I stumbled onto this forum when I did. You all kept me going in my darkest hour and helped me to see what a difference thinking positive thoughts and never giving up can do. We are all just very lucky to have this place and to have found eachother. I think of those in decades last who didn't have options like internet forums and had to suffer alone. The hardest part for me was just the fear that something had broken in me and that I would never feel like myself again. Its so strange to literally wake up one night and feel like you'll never be right again. It was those of you here who have lived through this hell before that gave me the hope to keep going because you told me it was possible. I learned here I wasnt insane and that someday I would be ok. It wasn't easy to believe most of the time but I clung on to that hope guys gave me for dear life. That was my light life perserver and I'm forever grateful for it. I hope I get to a place where I'm comfortable giving that support on here. I'd love to help others like you guys did me. Right now though it is still just too much and too raw still. I belueve I will get there eventually though.

...when you can BB!!

I understand feeling fragile, as that is part of the healing process. You have gained ground, and naturally want to protect yourself...that is alright!!

Come and talk whenever you feel the time is right for you.;)

Continues prayers and progress!

S.C.