A look back.....

I wanted to take a moment to look back over the past 6-8 months of my life. I just re-read my 'Controversial Topic' thread and a few things come to mine.

1. I want to just say that I think this group of people helped saved my life. While I was never suicidal, I felt that I was dying inside and your words are what saved me, lifted me up and kept me from feeling so alone.

2. I've realized that you should never lose hope. I felt hopeless in that situation and I truly believed that I may never be the person that I once was. I'm still in recovery mode and still a little broken, but the improvements in my life since September are so dramatic that it's almost like saying that I've lived a miracle.

3. I just thought I would provide a little update. I feel like it's my responsibility to share what I've learned from my experience. I will never forgive myself for ending my pregnancy. I cry over that loss multiple times a week and I think about that baby every day. If I could go back, I believe that I may have asked to be put into a psych hospital for a period of time to help me get through and figure out how to hold onto that baby. My husband and I disagree on this, but you can't win em all, right? Anyway.....I just want to bring awareness now. Depression and anxiety do not discriminate, but pregnant women are discouraged so often from having these feelings and ever speaking of them and after much research, what I've learned is that there are too many abortions being had due to the lack of options for pregnant women. You guys, it blew my mind to discover how often it happens.

Anyway, thank you all. Thank you for the prayers you gave me, thank you for the options you tried to present me with and most of all thank you for sticking by me and helping me through the darkest and most frightening time of my life. I don't know what I would've done without all of you.

For those who pray....if you could pray for peace for me and for the ability to forgive myself, I would appreciate it. And if you could pray for my husband and his health, I would appreciate that. We do still think that we may want another baby someday, but due to my recent diagnosis of PTSD from the IVF experience, we don't think that we'll be able to do that again, so out only hope is that my husband's counts improve and God blesses us with a natural miracle. I appreciate the prayers.

And I appreciate it even more if you just read this whole thing! I guess I'm having an emotional day!

Thanks S.C.

I appreciate those prayers a lot. Looking back is painful, but important because I felt discouraged today and when I re-read that post, I realized how much better I am now compared to where I was just a few short months ago. I believe that this is something I'll have following me around for the rest of my life, but hopefully I'll feel better about forgiving myself soon.

Thank you for all of the support you gave and continue to give me.

❤️❤️❤️❤️Hugs and prayers❤️❤️❤️❤️

Park,

I feel the same way about this forum. I'm still at the beginning of my journey but I don't know what I would have done if I never found this forum.

I'm glad your doing better.

Cornell!

I almost got a little teary seeing your reply just now. Thank you so much for saying that. It actually means a lot to me that you re-read that post and can see the difference in me. I know I will never forget this period in my life, so I hope I can just look back on it and be able to see the strength in myself instead of the weakness!

On another note, I hope you're doing awesome, work is good and your girls and wife are doing great. Update us when you can!!

Hugs!

Hi Park. I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you. What you went through, still are going through, was incredibly hard. You made some hard choices and did what you had to do. All the while being there for so many of us here. I hope some day you can forgive yourself. If you look back to that thread, I'm sure you can see that you really had no choice at that time. I'm praying for healing for you and for the blessing of another child when you are ready. Hugs

Side note: you mentioned your husband's counts improving. Isn't there a method to concentrate his sperm and use that to try to get you pregnant without using hormones and ivf?